When it comes to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles as a whole, everyone has their favorite. Out of the boys, I was always partial to Donnie as a kid because purple is my favorite color. However, the older I get the more I realize that my favorite character in the franchise is actually the boys’ father. Yes, I love Splinter very much. Played by Jackie Chan in the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Mutant Mayhem, Splinter is just a good rat dad trying to protect his boys from the disgusting humans who live above them.
When I think about the Rat King of New York, I will now only think of this version of Splinter, because he’s my boy and I would die to protect him. Splinter in Mutant Mayhem rightfully hates the humans. When he finally wants to introduce the boys to the human world, he makes the mistake of taking them, as babies, to Times Square, and the rest is history. Still, that doesn’t stop Leonardo, Michelangelo, Raphael, and Donatello from wanting to see what the humans are up to. It’s very The Little Mermaid of them.
In a move to try to get his boys to come home and be excited about it, Splinter throws them a human party. It includes their favorite things (like pizza), but it also includes cardboard cut-outs of some very choice human beings. The humans that Splinter decides to include? Well, the Hollywood Chrises, of course—three of them, to be exact.
Splinter is joking around with them, talking as Chris Pine while standing next to cut-outs of Chris Evans and Chris Pratt, and he says the best thing I’ve ever heard in a film: Chris Pine is the best Chris.
He is the best Chris. You’re so right.
For years, I have been making this statement. Many times, I’ve been met with pushback. “But what about this? He’s great! Why not that one? He’s amazing!” has been a chorus around me. I’ve had allies—my best friend being one of them. Still, the pain of being a “Chris Pine is the best Chris” realist has been met with so much confusion that I’ve needed the world to see what I saw in him. Then came Splinter.
It’s not often that we see ourselves depicted so beautifully onscreen as the giant sewer-dwelling rats we are, but Mutant Mayhem has given this to me. It’s given me a king. Splinter says he’s the best Chris and then just goes on trying to understand what’s happening with his boys. It makes me wonder what Chris Pine movies Splinter loves most. Is he a Just My Luck kind of guy? I hope he likes the Kelvin verse and is also waiting for Paramount Pictures (his parent company, I might add) to announce that fourth Star Trek movie.
Having Splinter on my side? Perfection. I hope we get to see Splinter’s love for Chris Pine continue to play out in the series, because it’s what Splinter (and I) deserves.
(featured image: Paramount Pictures)
