The Texas senate race between Democrat Beto O’Rourke and incumbent sea cucumber Ted Cruz is one of the most anticipated face-offs in the midterm elections.
With such a close race, The Late Show with Stephen Colbert borrowed one of the shrewdest political minds from Conan and sent him down south to cover the campaign trail. That mind is none other than Triumph the Insult Comic Dog (and the man behind him, SNL vet Robert Smigel).
Triumph attended rallies for both O’Rourke and Cruz, with hilarious results. He first stops at a rally for Beto O’Rourke, where he jokes that all the supporters share the same Netflix account. Triumph also pokes fun at Beto’s punk rocker past, saying that his music is bad enough to deter anyone from trying to cross the border.
He also talks about voter disenfranchisement and the repeated attempts to keep people of color from voting. Triumph jokingly suggests that voters of color should “act more white” by dropping The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel into conversation, and mentioning Ed Sheeran as much as possible. He also distributes stickers to voters with slogans like “I’m pretty sure I voted” and “I think I voted”.
Triumph gets some face-time with O’Rourke himself, saying “I love the way you are anybody but Ted Cruz.” He asks the candidate if he’s concerned that his young voters think they can vote for him through Instagram, and tries to get O’Rourke to endorse voting twice thanks to the broken voting machines. He finishes the interview by saying, “what does Ted Cruz have that you don’t have, aside from the ability to regenerate his tail?” You can see Beto trying (and failing) not to laugh.
From there, Triumph heads to a Ted Cruz rally, which he calls a “Duck Dynasty cosplay convention.” He interviews a group of Cruz supporters who crack up throughout his roasting of Cruz, which include a joke that if Ted loses, “he’ll end up back with his first love, the mute lady from The Shape of Water? Because he’s a hideous fish monster!”
He also references the “Cruz is the Zodiac Killer” joke by saying that Cruz’s stance on repealing Obamacare would kill way more people than the Zodiac ever did. It’s wild that these people are laughing along and agreeing with Triumph, yet are STILL voting for Cruz. Conservatism is a hell of a drug. Triumph wraps up the interview with, “I’m not saying Ted Cruz supports racist policies, but he was just given the 9AM slot on The Today Show!”
Triumph finally gets his long-awaited face-off with Ted Cruz, who tried to hold his own against the insult comic dog. Cruz said, “Just remember: It wasn’t the Republicans, it was the Democrats that took you into the vet to get fixed and there is freedom on the other side.” Triumph responded by saying “I support spaying and neutering, just like Trump did to you.”
Good luck voting out there today, and happy election day to everyone but Ted Cruz!
(via Huffington Post, image: screengrab)
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