Feelings about sex and virginity are very individualized. Everyone matures at a different level, and even though we claim to live in a sex-positive era, there is still a level of judgment when it comes to people who are virgins. In her amazing sex/relationship column, Ask AnnieThing, actress Annie Murphy of Schitt’s Creek answers a question from a reader who is 22, a virgin, and feels behind because of it.
Q: I’m 22 years old and—yikes!—still a super virgin. I’ve tried dating through apps and have had no success because everyone seems to be looking for an “instant gratification” that I can’t give them. I feel so behind the curve. How do I date when everyone I meet expects to have sex right away? Should I feel badly for being a virgin when my peers are sexually active?
Murphy’s answer, which you should definitely check out in full, is amazing and hilarious, but here are some of my favorite bits from the response:
“Here is my short answer: No, no, NO. You should absolutely, positively not feel badly for being a virgin at ANY age.
[…]
Losing the oooool’ V-card (ugh, I’m sorry) means different things to different people. There are people who make mixtapes comprising mostly of Goo Goo Dolls and Enya, and wait and wait and wait for a rainy day when their parents aren’t home, then slap on some fairy lights and invite their longtime boyfriend over for “the big event.” (Why are you looking at me like that; that’s not MY story. OK it was me.) Then there are people, like one of my best friends, who just wanted to get it over with, so they had sex with one of their friends in a bathroom at IHOP. (Don’t worry, I’ve been assured that bathroom was one of the “bigger, cleaner ones.”)
[…]
There are lots of fun, sexy things to do that don’t have to involve losing your virginity. Laser tag and handjobs, for example. […] Be honest about your virginity. Let things happen on your own terms. Losing your virginity doesn’t have to be “special” in the sense that you should spend 10 years crocheting a blanket upon which you shall be deflowered, but it certainly should be special in the sense that you are in control of, and comfortable with the situation when it happens. Go forth!!”
What I enjoy so much about Murphy’s response is that it makes it very clear that a person’s virginity should mean whatever they want it to mean. Bring sex-positive doesn’t just mean ending slut-shaming, it also means not treating people who don’t want to have sex, for whatever reason, as if they are prudish or cold.
Regardless of whether someone is asexual, waiting for marriage, or just waiting for the right time/date/location, virginity does not define someone’s worth, sexually or otherwise. It’s not something anybody should be ashamed of.
Besides, if anyone pressures you into having sex when you don’t want to or makes you feel bad about your virginity, they’re a jerk, and it’s for the best that you didn’t share any intimacy with someone who can’t even muster some respect for you, your body, and the choices you’ve made for it.
(via Flare, image: Cindy Ord/Getty Images for SiriusXM)
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