So I was in the car the other day talking with a friend of mine about one of the greatest shows of the 00s, Spongebob Squarepants, and I realized something: Spongebob is fundamentally a show about assholes. Let me explain: I don’t think everyone on Spongebob is an asshole, but I would argue that assholes make up the majority of the population of Bikini Bottom. Squidward? Pretentious asshole. Mr. Krabs? Money-Grubbing Asshole. The Flying Dutchman? Spooky Asshole. Hell, even Patrick can be an asshole sometimes when he doesn’t get his way. And they’re not even the worst. The literal citizens of Bikini Bottom are assholes. Any random fish on the street usually has something witheringly nasty to say.
So, now that I understand that there are so many assholes one could possibly include on this list, the real question is, who is the biggest one of all?
I know what you’re thinking: it’s gotta be Plankton right? Plankton is the biggest asshole on the show. Well, as some of you may know scientifically, plankton is actually only 1% evil and 99% hot gas. And makes sense: he’s a down-on-his-luck restauranteur in competition with the most ruthless businessman in the industry: Eugune Krabs himself. I’d probably resort to a little evil too. But see, the thing is, Plankton didn’t make it on to this list. Neither did Mr. Krabs. And no, Squidward didn’t even either. Why not? Because they don’t even scratch the surface of the levels of sheer assholery that other characters on this show are capable of. These characters are at least 85% to 99% evil, with perhaps a fraction of hot gas thrown in.
6. Bubble Bass
You thought Squidward was pretentious? At least he keeps it to himself (and to be fair, Squidward actually is surrounded by idiots). But Bubble Bass? He just rolls into town and makes his problems everyone else’s problem too. Old B.B. is a veritable wine snob of fast food. In his first appearance, he waltzes into the Krusty Krab with a sour-ass attitude and proceeds to place this order: “I’ll take a double triple bossy deluxe, on a raft, four-by-four animal-style, extra shingles with a shimmy and a squeeze, light axle grease, make it cry, burn it, and let it swim.” What does that mean? It’s actual fast food/short order cook jargon that basically means a double Krabby Patty with fries and all the fixins’. But he couldn’t just say that, could he? He’s the equivalent of a guy named Gavin who goes, “Oh is that a Nirvana shirt? Name three songs off of Bleach.” Well Gavin, just because people don’t know every single deep cut of their favorite band doesn’t mean that they can’t like that band. But Bubble Bass is worse than our friend, Gavin, here. You know why? Because he orders pickles on his patty and hides them under his tongue so he can squeeze free meals out of the Krusty Krab. Normally, I’d be like, “fuck it, stick it to Mr. Krabs,” but he isn’t hurting Mr. Krabs, is he? No, he’s hurting Spongebob, the one guy in Bikini Bottom who doesn’t have an asshole bone in his body. Bubble Bass gaslights Spongebob into thinking he keeps forgetting the pickles and it almost makes the poor sponge have a mental breakdown. You have got to have serious problems if you think it’s cool to be mean to Spongebob.
5. Kevin C. Cucumber
So if Bubble Bass is an asshole, then Kevin, is the excrement coming out of that butt. Kevin is a sea cucumber, basically the dick of the ocean. And like Squidward’s old college rival Squilliam Fancyson (don’t worry, we’ll get to him), Kevin thinks it’s cool to be a dick because he’s successful. And what does Kevin do? He’s a jelly-fisher. A famous one at that. And poor, sweet-summer-child Spongebob is his biggest fan. He will do anything for Kevin, and Kevin (bastard that he is) makes Spongebob prove it. He makes Spongebob jump off buildings and punch himself in the face. Spongebob isn’t the only person Kevin does this to, in fact, he does this to all of his fans. When Spongebob goes on a jellyfishing excursion with Kevin, he finds a crevasse in jellyfish fields filled with all of the other “number one fans” that Kevin has used and abandoned over the years. Kevin even goes so far as to use Spongebob as live bait to catch a queen jellyfish. It doesn’t go as planned, and Kevin’s entourage of anchovies soon find out that he is a talentless hack who was only into jellyfishing “for the fashion.” You know how the proverbial “Gavin” is a jerk? Well, imagine if Gavin has never listened to any Nirvana songs and only bought the shirt because he liked the way it looks. Under different circumstances, this would be fine, fashion is fun, but imagine if Gavin then started calling himself a scholar on Nirvana’s discography. It wouldn’t just be a dick move, it would be a series of complex “dick movements” that make up an entire dick modern dance piece. It’s a no for me.
4. Flats the Flounder
Okay so if Kevin is walking excrement, Flats is the bowl that shit is falling in. Flats is a bully with one single-minded purpose, to kick Spongebob’s butt. It sounds cute, but only because it’s toned down for kids. In a different context, Flats is the psychopathic Steven King type of bully who desires nothing but wanton destruction. He hurts people simply because he wants to. Flats tries to hurt Spongebob in a myriad of ways, even attempting to run the sponge over with a garbage truck. Flats ends up crashing the truck after he runs over a banana peel, and wakes up in the hospital. The doctors inform Flats that Spongebob performed CPR on him to save his miserable life, and without the heroic sponge he would be a goner. But is Flats moved? Does Flats have a change of heart? No. Flats still wants to kick Spongebob’s butt. Flatts is Gavin if Gavin liked to hurt people for wearing Nirvana t-shirts. Or just regular t-shirts. He’d probably punch you for not even wearing a shirt. 100% evil. No hot gas there.
3. Squilliam Fancyson
If Flats is the bowl for the shit, Squilliam is the sewer that it flows into. Squilliam turned being an asshole into an art form. Squlliam Fancyson, like his name suggests, is the quintessential rich asshole. His name also suggests that he has never worked a day in his life and he DIDN’T. He inherited all of his wealth from Fancymom and Fancydad. He’s Gavin with a fucking trust fund. What could be worse? Squilliam shows up everywhere in the most L.A. style possible, with an entourage of hangers-on. And his only objective is to torment his old high school classmate, Squidward. Sure, Squidward is an asshole, but Squidward doesn’t deserve that. Squilliam is loathsomely mean-spirited, and takes pleasure in making people who have less money than he does feel ashamed of themselves. And then what does he after ruining Squidward’s day? He throws a party on his balloon/casino and invites everyone but Squidward. Somebody needs to do us all a favor and push him out of it.
2. The Con Fish
If Squilliam is the sewer, this fish is the festering septic tank that the sewer feeds into. This fish is the evil genius that Plankton only wishes he could be. All this fish does is con people out of their money, and he’s good at it. When Spongebob and Patrick get the idea to raise a little money selling chocolate bars, this asshole is the first one to swoop in and try to make a buck off of them. First, he convinces the duo to buy a “candy bar carrying bag” for each one of their candy bars. Then he appears again and sells them each a “candy bar bag carrying bag” to carry the bags carrying the candy bars. And then what does he do? Does he sell them a bag to carry the bag carrying the candy bar bags? No, he’s too good for that. He wraps himself up in bandages and pretends to be an invalid with “glass bones and paper skin” in order to guilt Spongebob and Patrick to buy more chocolate bars (and probably more carrying bags) to pay for his nonexistent “medical expenses.” That’s like if Gavin hospitalized himself and was selling Nirvana t-shirts to pay for his experimental “cancer treatments.” It’s a new level of low, even for Gavin.
1. The “Where’s My Drink?” Fish
This fish. This fucking fish might be the biggest asshole in the history of Spongebob. He is the scum clinging to the bottom of the septic tank. He is 200% evil. What does he do? First off, he calls the Krusty Krab (a burger joint) and orders a fucking pizza for delivery. That’s all. Just a pizza. Mr. Krabs whips one up and sends Spongebob and Squidward to deliver it. It doesn’t go as planned, and the two end up almost dying in the desert. Finally, they reach the guy’s house. They hand him the pizza, and he asks for his drink, his Diet Dr. Kelp that he never ordered. Spongebob, impeccable service worker that he is, reminds him of this, and the fish screams a Karen-level tirade at the poor sponge and slams the door in his face. Spongebob is left in tears. Yes, this piece of shit is the only character on this list to ever make Spongebob cry. This fish is pure, unleaded asshole. He is the trash of the ocean. This fish does what Gavin probably does to some poor delivery driver every Tuesday night. But he gets his comeuppance when Squidward (in a rare moment of selflessness) knocks on the guy’s door and slams the pizza in his face. It’s immensely satisfying, and one of the many reasons why Squidward doesn’t belong on this list. And think about it, if Squidward Tentacles thinks you’re an asshole, you need to seriously reevaluate your life choices.
(featured image: Nickelodeon)
