10 Worst Case Casting Scenarios Power Grid by The Mary Sue Staff | 12:34 pm, February 22nd, 2012 You are seeing this message because you have javascript disabled. To use our slideshows you need to enable javascript. There's no cross domain hackery or tracking voodoo, it's just some sweet jQuery animations. Please, think of the animations. In the meantime, enjoy the html version below. I guess. If that's your thing. Allow Us to Explain Whenever we hear about a movie being remade, or a book being turned into a movie that probably should just be left alone, or a TV show that has no business being made into a movie, the next thing we do, after swallow a small amount of bile, is wonder who will be cast in this abomination. Sometimes, you luck out (see: J.J. Abrams' Star Trek). But sometimes, you cringe at the thought of who might be stepping into a role (see: M. Night Shyamalan's Avatar: The Last Airbender), or what childhood memories would be crushed next (21 Jump Street). But what's even more offensive is when Hollywood tries to twist an adaptation into something it just shouldn't be, or tries to blatantly pander to the lowest common denominator by casting a big name who in no way is able to carry the weight of a role. Sometimes it seems that Hollywood not only doesn't care about the fans of what it's adaptation (almost always the case), but is actively trying to offend them. And sometimes it's fun, in a sadistic way, to come up with the worst case scenario. It's like... inoculating yourself against later sickness. Allow us to present a list of possible movies and the worst case scenario casting that could take place. We're going with ideas that, as far as we know, are not actually going through the heads of Hollywood executives at the moment. And heaven help us all if they do, and they end up invading our movie theaters like a flesh-eating virus. We warn you: This is going to hurt, and you're going to be greatly offended. But just remind yourself: it's not actually happening. (Yet.) (As far as we know.) Hollywood doesn't actually purposefully try to adapt good ideas into bad movies; we're just showing some simulated results of what would happen if they did. Hollywood? Stop reading now. No, seriously, we don't want to get blamed for this later. It's not that we want any of these things to happen. It's just that we watch you Hollywood, and we notice patterns. And sometimes we like to laugh at our own pain. We don't often institute challenges like this on the site but for this grid it applies: you rage, you lose. Cowboy Bebop This is actually the one that started off the whole idea of Worst Case Scenario Casting for us, a big budget, expodey Hollywood adaptation of the low budget, slow and all about tone and visual pacing Cowboy Bebop. It started when a friend suggested that when Hollywood gets around to the inevitable whitewashed adaptation of the seminal anime series, the least they can do is cast Benedict Cumberbatch, with his spindly figure and penchant for wearing a touseled shock of black hair, as series main character Spike Spiegel. "Oh?" I said, "I'd always assumed that whitewashed Spike would be played by Keanu Reeves," and the game was on. Once we've replaced "spindly non-emotive main character" with a spindly non-emotive actor, lets replace the gruff, older, ex-military, ineffective mentor with someone equally Hollywood inappropriate who has a penchant for choosing projects that have great tag lines but less than great execution... like Gerard Butler (okay, before you go nuts on me I'm referring specifically to choices like Gamer, Reign of Fire, or Beowulf, and personally I'd include 300, but your mileage may vary). Yes, Butler, who never met an accent he couldn't overlay with his own thick Scottish brogue, could don the pointy beard and metal arm of Jet Black, and the doubtlessly reduced role of Spike's senior partner. Now, lets move along to the female characters of the story... obviously a character as androgynous as Ed is never going to make it into a major mainstream Hollywood production, and so her character is going to have to be genderswapped to something more normative. Now, young teens can't be in action movies unless they're the MacGuffin or the sidekick, so we're going to have to age Ed up a bit, and get a nice skinny nerdy boy to say a couple weird lines from the bowels of the Bebop as he hacks Spike into places to move the plot forward. Lets talk in full blown Hollywood Marketing speak for a bit: Alternatively, since, I mean, what does Faye do? Basically the same stuff that Spike does, right? Well, if we're going to be setting her up as his romantic option (because the adult woman in the story must be set up romantically with the main male character) we should giver her an edge on him: that way the audience will be initially alarmed, but later comforted in its ideas about heteronormative relationships when she subverts her own initiatives for Spike's, as any good morally-ambiguous female action movie love interest should. But what skills... I know, lets merge her character with Ed's! Two birds with one stone: we get rid of the weird kid and give the lady mad hacker skills. Now lets just cast her with somebody with name recognition who looks good in a low cut shirt... Megan Fox. DONE. And thus, the market-tested-into-a-grey-paste version of Cowboy Bebop is born. The Venture Bros. The idea of a live-action version of The Venture Bros. is slightly horrifying all by itself. We got a completely not-serious preview of what this might look like in the special features of the Season One DVD. There is always the conundrum of Dr. Girlfriend, who would be nothing without her distinctive (read: distinctively male) voice, but has to be played by a hot, hot actress. Creators Doc Hammer (who provides her voice) and Jackson Publick have said she should be played by Gina Gershon. As for the eponymous Venture brothers, Dean and Hank, there is probably a bevvy of appropriate actors in the sketch comedy community who would do them justice. And how perfect would Community star Jim Rash (Dean Pelton) be as Doctor Venture? Of course, can we really picture any of these characters being played by people who don't provide their voices? Dr. Girlfriend? Easy solution: played by a woman with Hammer's voice dubbed in. The boys? Either pull a Wet Hot American Summer and cast Michael Sinterniklaas as Dean and get Jackson Publick in that blue neckerchief. Ideally, also get James Urbaniak to play Dr. Venture and Patrick Warburton to play Brock Sampson. Herein lies the problem: While The Venture Bros. is undoubtedly precious and famous to its fanbase, trying to sell such a movie to a larger audience might be a little harder. Some, er, liberties might have to be taken with the casting, and someone more recognizable might have to be brought in to attract a large moviegoing crowd. And let the nightmare begin... Jim Rash as Dr. Venture: I believe that it's entirely possible, even in the worst case scenario, to have one person who would still be okay. That person is Jim Rash. If we can't get Urbaniak, Rash will be just as good. Chord Overstreet as Hank Venture: The blond, lippy guy from Glee. You can probably sense where I'm going with this now, right? Ed Westwick as Dean Venture: The guy from Gossip Girl. He's actually English, too. Feel my faith in Hollywood drain... Jessica Alba as Dr. Girlfriend: She is very pretty and generally inoffensive as a person, but for some reason, she cannot get herself cast in a decent movie. Which is why she'd end up in this horrible thing. Will Arnett as The Monarch: I love Will Arnett. He plays an amazing villain. But his voice is all wrong. Hollywood will decline to care. Finally, the killer, the one that will absolutely make you throw up in your mouth and possibly up your nose as you try to hold it in... Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson as Brock Samson: You know they'd do it. You just know it. While Warburton could easily pull off playing Brock by his own damn self (see: The Tick and Scream 3 to say the very least), there could be a need to turn this thing into a PG-13 abomination that younger people can see. (That means no Molotov Cocktease. By the way, guess who's being approached for that if it happens, just in case? Scarlett Johansson.) And you know who's a bodyguard type guy who's been in a bunch of family friendly adventure flicks where he took care of some mouthy kids lately? That's right. I don't even dislike Dwayne Johnson. (How could anyone when this picture exists?) But he is just way too smooth for Brock Samson. In other words, he's the perfect family-friendly version of Brock Samson. But The Venture Bros. is not family-friendly. Don't worry -- this will probably never happen. Back to the Future True, Zac Efron is a little "2007" to be considered that much of a tween heartthrob these days. But that's just what Tinseltown execs would go for: a tween-friendly version of Back to the Future. And Zac Efron needs a hit, and he's just far enough out of the spotlight to make a comeback. Plus, he's still only 24, still very young-looking, and still swoon-worthy enough for the younger version of his mom to fall in love with him. And this will piss off my entire generation. That's why it could totally be what Hollywood is thinking: let's get this boyishly handsome young buck -- who can also sing! -- to lead a reboot (it will be a reboot, and neither Michael J. Fox nor Christopher Lloyd will have anything to do with it) of a beloved sci-fi/comedy franchise. We'll pair him up with some young, hot chick -- probably a blonde that no one over the age of 11 really knows about, like Nickelodeon star Nathalia Ramos (because Taylor Swift is too tall to stand next to Zac Efron, though she's probably the first choice) -- for the sheer eff of it, while he travels back in time to -- get this now -- the 1980s. See what they'd do there? They would totally do that, mark my words. And who, pray tell, will play the eccentric Doc Brown? My guess is a comedian. Not an actor, because I really don't think any self-respecting actor would be a part of this crapfest. (Is it possible that a reboot could not be a crapfest? Sure. But scientists would have to work on it. Scientists.) So, who could possibly have the nerve to play Doc Brown? They will ask Bill Hader, and he will say "NO." So, who do you get when Bill Hader says "NO"? And then everyone else says "NO"? .. Dane Cook. Dane Cook as Doc Brown. I know...I know. Labyrinth Labyrinth was a product of the times. Rock stars taking on film roles, enormous puppets, and off-the-wall fantastic plots. And all of that is what made it great. Part of me has longed for that type of magic to return but another part really, really wishes Hollywood wouldn’t try because it just wouldn’t work. But that doesn’t mean they won’t (try to ruin our childhoods). Imagine it now: In the role of Jareth the Goblin King, we’d see comedian Russell Brand. Mostly because he looks more like a rock star than most rock stars today and that would be their train of thought. Playing Sarah? Well, Miley Cyrus of course! And she’ll duet with Brand on a remade, country version of “Dance Magic Dance.” Here’s the real kicker. Obviously, they won’t be using any puppets for the film at all, they’ll use CGI. But! The only character that will be CGI is Sarah. Sort of a reverse-Enchanted type of thing. All the goblins and other creatures will be played by actors in heavy prosthetics except Ludo. Ludo will be played, sans costume and make-up...by George Lucas. Baby Toby, depicted by Zach Galifianakas in a diaper, will turn out to be a complete figment of Sarah’s imagination. The end of the film will find her waking up in an alley after a really terrible bout of food poisoning, cuddling a giant rat. Ferris Bueller's Day Off Our hearts skipped a beat when we saw Matthew Broderick revive his Ferris Bueller persona in a brief Super Bowl commercial. You really didn’t want them to make a sequel but watching the actor play Ferris again was kinda cool. But then you realized, Hollywood must have already thought about doing a remake/sequel with Broderick playing the dad. And then you vomited in your mouth a little. Well guess what? They wouldn’t even include Broderick if they remade Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. Prepare yourselves for what you’re about to read. Justin Bieber would play Ferris. *This is where TheMarySue.com readers go berserk.* I’m sorry, I truly am, but it’s the truth. It’s absolutely what they would do. Bieber would totally be the one acting ill and ditching school. Though, they’d probably do something really dumb and call it Justin Bieber’s Day Off. Anyway, his partners in crime? Cameron would be played by Rupert Grint. His girlfriend Sloane? Lea Michele from Glee. Mom and dad would be played by Megan Fox and Will Ferrell, respectively and sister Jeanie would be played by none other than the Jersey Shore’s own Snooki. The excursion would be based in L.A. rather than Chicago obviously, and the “borrowed” car would be a ‘87 Pontiac Firebird. Bieber would crash the Academy Awards ceremony and instead of singing a Danke Schoen/Twist and Shout medley, Bieber will do a rendition of 99 Luft Balloons/Party Rock. The audience will eat it up but he still won’t get caught because no one’s actually watching the Oscars. Oh and we can’t forget Ferris’ antagonist Principal Rooney. Hollywood would of course cast Charlie Sheen in that role as a nod to fans of the original. And in Sheen’s former drug addict/boy in the police station role? Robert Pattinson. Portal Hollywood has a tendency to take the success of one medium and make the assumption that that success will automatically translate to another. Unfortunately (for us) the translation isn’t always quite what we expected or hoped for. Take video games for example. There have been a LOT of movies based on video games. Resident Evil, Street Fighter, Super Mario Bros., Mortal Kombat, Tomb Raider, Silent Hill....shall I go on? You may enjoy any number of the films I just listed but in the general sense of the word “good,” these films are not really considered as such by the viewing public. So, why do they keep getting made? Well, video games are a $60+ billion global industry and if they can manage to grab even a portion of that, they’ve done their job. Films that make no sense are produced constantly but one particular video game we hope never gets adapted is Portal. Granted, we adore Portal, and Dan Trachtenberg made a tremendous fan film that captured its magic so we can see how the visuals would work but it had no dialogue and starred a no-name actress. Those two things do not equal success in Hollywood. So of course they would cast Jennifer Lopez. The only film I really like Lopez in is Selina, and that’s probably because it was easy for her to play a singer, but she’s the kind of big-name draw that Hollywood is addicted to and would likely cast as Chell. And they couldn’t hire someone like that and not let her speak so obviously they would come up with a horrible, convoluted backstory to give her where we get to see her interact with people outside the Aperture facility thus ruining the very idea behind the plot of the game in one swift stroke. In a bizarre artistic twist by the director, the film would be shot entirely looking at Lopez via security cameras, turrets, etc. Lopez will not wear boots with heel springs, she will wear high heel shoes with a type of flubber on the bottom. As for GLaDOS? Well, she’s supposed to be funny with a distinctive voice so they’d obviously cast Kathy Griffin. And the Companion Cubes will be motion-captured by Andy Serkis. Discworld Discworld is an oft adapted series, at least in the realms of BBC television specials and animated movies. It's much like the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy in that the very nature of its prose, with numerous digressions, asides, footnotes, and close descriptions of internal dialogue makes film adaptations feel like they're missing a vital part of the feel of the books. Still, that doesn't mean an adaptation has to be bad, just that in the wrong hands it can go riotously wrong. So what's the worst way Hollywood could go about doing a Discworld movie? Well, Hollywood probably wouldn't the witches or Death's granddaughter for the same reasons they renamed A Princess of Mars, and I'm guessing that if they had to choose between a movie about middle aged cops in a fantasy world and a movie about a roving wizard who can't actually do magic... they'd probably bank on the more Harry Potter related content. Yes, we're thinking that one of the ways Hollywood could completely misunderstand the appeal of Discworld's original main character would be by repackaging Rincewind as a savvy conman trying to get a buck out of hilarious racial stereotype tourist Twoflower (played by Ken Jeong a la The Hangover) by convincing him that this Wizzard knows some good magic. Eventually this Rincewind would learn a valuable lesson about true magic and telling the truth, develop a romance with Twoflower's daughter (Olivia Munn) and save their society from being overrun by Cohen the Barbarian, in this version played, ironically enough, by Jason Momoa, not a seventy year old man. But it could get even worse, judging by Warner Bros. desire for a series to replace Harry Potter: it could be Rincewind: the Teen Years, the wizard college frat comedy. Sandman Now, in a lot of ways this one is the mootest point there is on the grid. Neil Gaiman is incredibly conservative about movie adaptations of his work. He's said, time and time again, that he's in the comfortable position of being financially secure enough to say no, and so he does. Regularly. (Yes, he's still working on a pilot script of American Gods for HBO.) And unlike some of his contemporaries, he's retained creative control of his most well known work. So, no, nobody is likely to get to make a wildly inappropriate adaptation of Sandman any time soon. But likelihood is not what this grid is about. This is about saying "if... then..." So lets look at how the Hollywood sausage grinder would choke on Sandman. First: it's obviously too long. Generally, the industry likes to go with an origin story, but I don't really see much that would appeal to an executive in the early volumes of the series. There are a lot of short stories, and other story arcs that are not easily condensed to a quick tag line. Also the first volume is full of more licensed DC characters. No, I think the story that would most appeal to an executive looking to make a fast buck would be Brief Lives, the story of Dream and Delirium walking the waking world to find their brother Destruction. See... it's a paranormal road trip movie! Featuring an uptight older brother and a manic-but-in-a-cute-way sister, who learn to love each other and appreciate their differences. Or at least it would be in the Hollywood version (which is not to say the story doesn't already contain some of those elements, but just that a tone-deaf Hollywood adaptation might reduce it them). I'm guessing that an ancient goddess of sex and love committing suicide in the form of a lethally pleasurable strip tease in a some backwoods titty bar would not make it in. Neither would the scene where a highway patrolman pulls Delirium over for driving on the wrong side of the road for several miles, and she pouts at his legitimate criticism and makes him feel like invisible bugs are crawling all over him forever and he gets put in a home. Oh, and the character of Orpheus wouldn't even make it to script stages. I mean, you can see how that conversation will go, right? (This evening the part of the movie studio executive will be played by J.K. Simmons.) "So wait, who's this Orpheus guy?" "Well, he's a Greek mythological figure -" "Greek mythology! Great, like 300! So he's a warrior." "Well, no, he was a musician." "What!?" *flips pages* "He plays a harp?" "Well, it's technically a lyre -" "YOU'RE technically a liar! You said you had a movie I'd actually want to see!" But anyway. We haven't even gotten to the casting of the main characters. The Dreamlord himself is an impossible casting job, and one that I personally think would be best served by multiple actors. He is an entity, after all, who looks different depending on who is doing the looking. It's a bit like casting the Doctor. But undoubtedly Hollywood would choose somebody with experience in mostly "cute" films with a few, family appropriate darker elements, and also with experience in science fiction and fantasy... like Johnny Depp. Who, in all honesty, probably wouldn't be the wrong person for the role, as long he was only one of the people in the role; one aspect of Dream. Delirium, on the other hand, is a prime pitfall for Hollywood. In the comics, she is a goddess driven mad by her own nature, whose innate benevolence is tempered by an unpredictable mania that can make her quite dangerous to mortals and herself. Through Hollywood's lens, we're looking at another Manic Pixie Dream Girl, except this time with actual pixie powers. They're going to cast Zooey Deschanel or her equivalent. Dream's Inevitable Love Interest: It wouldn't be a true "uptight guy learns to love his weird sister" story if he didn't fall in love with someone who he never would have made time for if he hadn't learned his valuable lesson. Since she's likely to have a minimal role, and be someone who the audience accepts as "the love interest," the role will likely be offered to whatever romantic comedy actress is willing to take it. An Amy Adams, or Emma Stone. As for Destruction, the prodigal son, Cris Hemsworth fits the physical bill, even if he'll have to put on a few years before he really starts to look like the character. Under the right script and director I could see an older Chris Hemsworth turning out a really appealing Destruction, but under the wrong one... Oh, and in a terrible Sandman adaptation that gets everything wrong, Barnabas, Destruction's dog sidekick, would be voiced by Eddie Murphy. The Last Unicorn For this dangerous casting scenario, I (Jamie) consulted a fellow die-hard fan of The Last Unicorn: Danny Sexbang from the comedy band Ninja Sex Party. As people who truly appreciate the magic of the modern fairy tale and have great sentimental attachments to the book and the movie, the idea of even a fake live-action remake skeeved us out big time. Especially because you know they'll have a CG unicorn that will talk. Creepily. It will just never, ever be right. Ever. But just in case Hollywood does chase this beast, let's prepare ourselves for the horrible cast. First: Let's imagine this as I think Hollywood execs would -- a humorous take on this whimsical story with a whimsically hipster cast. Lady Amalthea/The Last Unicorn. Probably a singer trying to become an actual actor who is more image then actor. One terrifying prospect: Ke$ha. Even more terrifying: Lana Del Rey, who might actually be the Last Unicorn in human form, and that's why she's like that. Equally hipster-friendly, and perfect if execs wanted to go "quirky" and "adorable": Zooey Deschanel. On that same note, Joseph Gordon-Levitt: wouldn't he be just the most adorable Schmendrick the Magician? Just kidding. As perfectly wrong as he'd be for that part, he'd have to be the Prince Lir to our hipsterific princess. And yes, there will be a musical number. There will be several of them. Another suggestion that would be less hipster, more blockbuster: Shia La Beuf. As Schmendrick. Oh yes. Or Jonah Hill. I'm kidding, it would definitely be Jonah Hill. Oscar nominee Jonah Hill. That leaves us with Molly Grue, who will be a sardonic, wisecracking type and, in this movie, fall in love with Schmendrick the Magician in the B-story: Like Aubrey Plaza or Kat Dennings. Barf. And King Haggard: Someone so incredibly inappropriate for this role, but who would be so totally fitting for this horrible interpretation...Christopher Walken. You can...picture it...NOW, right? Who Framed Roger Rabbit Reach into the murkiest, most disturbed depths of your mind. What you will find there is an idea that has maybe crossed the minds of several Hollywood executives: A remake or unofficial sequel to Who Framed Roger Rabbit featuring a computer-animated replacement for Roger Rabbit. Can you even imagine this travesty? Personally, I feel like it would never happen. But then again, things like Son of the Mask end up getting made, too. So, it wouldn't surprise me one bit if the thought had occurred to Hollywood to do a grown-up Pixar- or Dreamworks-style movie that was an innovative but fun(!) mix of live-action and animation, in which the two worlds didn't have to blend into one like in most movies that feature CGI for special effects. That was the magic of Roger Rabbit: Toon Town. A place where Disney and Looney Tunes co-existed, then the human world alongside them, but the 'toons were still 'toons, and not the same as their fellow flesh-and-blood neighbors. And surely, someone has thought about Woody, Buzz, and Wall-E chilling out with Shrek. Not to mention creating a new character just like them, just as child-like and family-friendly, but who becomes involved in some very adult situations. Because some people are a little demented. This is why I'd fear a CG version of Roger Rabbit. Maybe they'd go with Roger, putting him through some painful Hollywood surgical process so he can restart his career after his Fatty Arbuckle-like collapse. And this would be just terrible. No one would want to see that. Ever. Forever. Never. That's why Hollywood might call on someone like Brad Bird, perhaps, to create (perhaps even provide the voice of) a brand new character who seems innocent enough, but will be framed for murder. Could this provide David Cross a wonderful opportunity to exact his revenge on Alvin and the Chipmunks? It would probably be perfect, but after his previous experience with the computer-animated rodents, he would probably pass. Unless it was amazing. Now, there's nothing wrong with Brad Bird. And maybe, if this kind of project was to get off the ground, they'd team Bird up with a gritty comic artist/writer or Adult Swim showrunner (Dino Stamatopolous, perhaps, or even the Venture team). Such a story actually could be amazing, but would it be original or groundbreaking the way Who Framed Roger Rabbit was? Not anymore. We've crossed that bridge, many, many times. And the idea of taking characters from just the past 20 years or so (compared to the several decades we got with Mickey, Bugs et al by the time Roger Rabbit came out) just seems like it would be way too soon. But we're not talking about good ideas. We're talking about the best way to make this horrible. And here is a sure-fire way to make it excruciatingly horrible: The new Roger character is played by Charlie Sheen. And he is a womanizing, drug-addicted anthropomorphic teddy bear (a naughty Care Bear, if you will) who once famously entertained children -- until he was caught with a prostitute. A dead prostitute. A dead, computer-animated anthropomorphic deer prostitute (played by Kim Kardashian!). And it will be a madcap adventure that will be ultimately saved by a hacker who can obliterate the secretly CG villain, played by Tim Curry (who is wonderful, but tends to end up in terrible things), who framed this creature, who is clearly a cartoon version of Charlie Sheen. That hacker is a human who will be played by Bobby Moynihan, by the way. (He will be the one saving grace, because there's always one of those guys, as if Hollywood knows what it's doing is bad. As in, "This movie is the worst thing I have ever seen, shitting all over the legacy and genius that was Who Framed Roger Rabbit...but man, do I love Bobby Moynihan.") Jessica Simpson will provide the voice of his sexy stripper wife, on whom he's been cheating while she does all her own cheating (with a character played by Wayne Knight, who owns all the copyrights, patents, etc. and leaves them all to the new Toon Town, saving it from being obliterated by a computer virus...or something). She will also be killed, and Sheen's character will be framed. Again. Lindsay Lohan will play the "sexy," raspy-voiced human reporter who uncovers The Truth About Everything. Which leaves the live-action, human detective with whom she'll fall in love: Breckin Meyer. Obviously. Follow The Mary Sue Follow @TheMarySue Like us on Facebook filed under Back to the Future, Cowboy Bebop, Discworld, Ferris Bueller's Day Off, Labyrinth, Portal, The Last Unicorn, The Sandman, The Venture Bros., Who Framed Roger Rabbit
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