It’s October 28th already, and you don’t have a Halloween costume. But worry not, because we’ve got your back.
True Blood Finale Recap: Radioactive
by Jill Pantozzi | 12:33 pm, August 19th, 2013
True Blood is now officially that friend who keeps making bad decisions in their life, but you love them unconditionally anyway. Hit the jump for our spoiler-filled recap of the Season 6 finale.
So Terry’s funeral (which felt like it lasted 6 days) is finally over. Sookie invites Alcide to join her for a walk and WHY THE SHIT ARE YOU WEARING THAT WIG JOE MANGANIELLO??? That was not there last week in the same scene. Let’s try and forget about that, shall we? Much like everyone has forgotten Jason always gets himself into trouble. But Jason is a survivor, says Alcide. Well sure, I guess.
The two share brief memories of their might-have-been relationship until Alcide smells vamps in sun. And they’re getting naked and dancing to 20s music. Oh hey, there’s Jason. His new girlfriend/master Violet freaks out when Sookie arrives thinking she’s competition but after he gets private time with his sister we find out he feels his relationship with Violet is akin to her relationship with Bill – someone who will always have his back. I’m sorry, but what? This connection came out of nowhere. This woman claimed you so she could feed and suddenly you’re into it?
Back in faery land, Warlow is busy setting up wedding shit, aka a maypole. But when Sookie arrives you can see she’s got her “I need to let him down easy” face on. A lot has changed, she says, I just watched my friend get buried, how about we date instead of get married? Well sure, that makes sense but after a few more minutes of her trying to convince him, Warlow shows his true colors and slaps her, turning immediately uncaring and violent. Oh, so I guess that means no deal and all the time we spent trying to make this other nonsensical relationship on the show this season matter was actually a huge waste of time.
After making a Target run, all of the sun-soaked vamps play a friendly game of volleyball. Except not so friendly because Violet is a psycho. Pam’s buzz has apparently worn off and Tara asks her not to go after Eric. But she does, because she’s Pam.
Cut to Bill who has apparently lost his Billith powers (because the other vamps fed on him so much?) And now that he feels like Bill again, he magically cares about Sookie again, too. Excuse me while I vomit. Jessica insists they must do whatever they can to help Sookie not be turned into a vampire, even asking Andy for help. But before that, Bill remembers to let Professor Takahashi go, glamoured, and with a bag full of cash. Hey, why not?
While Andy is resistant to the idea, Adeline is more than willing to help get the crew to faery land since Sookie is the only other person like her she knows. Sookie is now bound to the maypole and insists she was never meant to be a vampire, threatening to throw away her faery powers if Warlow pushes the subject. At this point, Bill, Andy, Jessica, Jason, Adeline, and Violet show up to rescue Sookie and Bill starts to fight Warlow. They eventually all wind up back in Bon Tempe and eventually at Sookie’s house, which ha ha ha, Bill can’t enter.
Sookie finds herself in the bathtub where Niall has finally managed to break through from the other dimension and grab Warlow. With an assist from Jason, he’s staked.. He turns faery-ish and then winds up a puddle of sparkly blood. So that’s that.
Suddenly, all of the faery blood escapes from the vampires who tasted it (I guess because Warlow is dead?), including Eric. At the time, he just happens to be getting a tan on top of snow covered mountains in Sweden. HBO gets to put another notch in the “penis” column on their big white board and Eric catches fire. He’s dead? I guess? I don’t want to talk to you anymore, True Blood.
Six months later we open on a news report featuring Bill, the author of a new book covering his experiences with Lilith called, “And God Bled.” Are you insane, asks the anchor (we know the answer to that). Turns out, Sookie is watching from home and I KNEW IT WAS A WIG!!!!!! Alcide and her are apparently an item again. Hey, remember when Eric glamoured Alcide into thinking Sookie was gross? Yeah.
In Jason’s newly designed basement, we learn he’s given Violet 178 nights of oral sex but has received no pleasure from her. I don’t know what’s going on here and I really don’t care.
Sookie and Alcide show up at church where blood tests are being done to see if citizens are infect with Hep V. We find out Sam is the Mayor now, Nicole is more pregnant, and uninfected vampires are stronger than those with Hep V. So he’s got a plan. They’ll have a mixer at the new Merlotte’s – the Bellefleure Bar and Grill – get the test results and humans can take a vampire buddy. The vampire will protect your family and you will give them your blood. It’s a win-win situation he says, as really grossed out people get up to leave.
At the mixer, we find out Jessica’s boyfriend is in a band now, Sookie and Alcide are negative for Hep V, and Willa and Tara are now best buds. Tara’s mom asks for a private conversation and proceeds to apologize for her whole life. “I forgot to feed my own daughter,” she says, the offers to feed her now. I still don’t trust Tara’s mom and worry she might be infected. Meanwhile, Andy declines Sam’s invite to the mixer and is at home with Adeline, who seems to be no older than we left her. Jessica comes knocking, offering apologies and protection for nothing in return.
Just as Sookie and Alcide are about to leave the party, Bill finds them and offers his own protection. “You need a vampire,” he says, to which Alcide growls adorably. He’s changed! He can be trusted!! Yeah, right, says Sookie. All of this happens just before a large pack of Hep V-infected vamps are about to crash the mixer. Until next season!
What do I say about this finale episode? It meandered. A lot. And it made me realize a lot of what went down this season was a huge waste of time. Namely the build-up of Warlow and how it didn’t amount to much of anything. I knew Sookie wasn’t going to be turned but I got to the point where I accepted their relationship, no matter how ham-fisted it was, only to have them go, “You know what? Nah. He’s still just a bad dude. Let’s kill him.” And then he was taken out without much trouble at all. Just…bleh. And then of course there’s Alcide’s detour into pack life which had no effect on anything whatsoever. And hey, now he’s back to the guy we really liked for Sookie. And poor Lafayette didn’t even get a word in edge-wise in the finale. Let’s hope HBO remembers he’s pure gold and gives him something substantive to do next season. But will you be watching?