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Someone is Suing Apple Because the Internet Has Porn On It, Yes Really [Video]

We're shocked -- SHOCKED -- to discover that there's porn on the Internet.

iPhone

Despite Apple’s draconian anti-porn policies, the Safari browser on the iPhone and iPad remains one of the best porn apps available for Apple’s mobile devices. That’s because it connects to the Internet, and there’s porn on the Internet. So. Much. Porn. Tennessee lawyer Chris Sevier is suing Apple because he accessed porn on his Apple device. He’s even submitted a bizarre YouTube video to support his case.

Sevier’s case is based on the idea that the Internet porn he stumbled onto essentially ruined his life. He claims to no longer be able to distinguish between real intercourse and porn. The complaint says:

The Plaintiff could no longer tell the difference between Internet pornography and tangible intercourse due to the content he accessed through the Apple products, which failed to provide him with warnings of the dangers of online pornography whatsoever.

I can’t imagine a reasonable person would find that to be Apple’s fault. Sevier is demanding that Apple sell their devices with some kind of “safe mode” to protect people from all that scary pornography. Sevier promises to drop the litigation if Apple complies with his puritanical demands.

Apple products have “safe mode” already, Mr. Sevier. Put your device on “Airplane Mode” and it won’t be able to connect to the Internet anymore. That’s where all the porn is. Problem solved.

Sevier’s complaint makes several claims to Tenn. Code Ann. 37-17-911 which reads:

(a) It is unlawful for any person to knowingly sell or loan for monetary consideration or otherwise exhibit or make available to a minor:

(1) Any picture, photograph, drawing, sculpture, motion picture film, video game, computer software game, or similar visual representation or image of a person or portion of the human body, that depicts nudity, sexual conduct, excess violence, or sado-masochistic abuse, and that is harmful to minors; or

(2) Any book, pamphlet, magazine, printed matter, however reproduced, or sound recording, which contains any matter enumerated in subdivision (a)(1), or that contains explicit and detailed verbal descriptions or narrative accounts of sexual excitement, sexual conduct, excess violence, or sado-masochistic abuse, and that is harmful to minors.

(b) It is unlawful for any person to knowingly exhibit to a minor for monetary consideration, or to knowingly sell to a minor an admission ticket or pass or otherwise admit a minor to premises whereon there is exhibited a motion picture, show or other presentation which, in whole or in part, depicts nudity, sexual conduct, excess violence, or sado-masochistic abuse, and which is harmful to minors.

(c) A violation of this section is a Class A misdemeanor.

(d) It is an affirmative defense to prosecution under this section that the minor to whom the material or show was made available or exhibited was, at the time, accompanied by the person’s parent or legal guardian, or by an adult with the written permission of the parent or legal guardian.

You can’t sell minors porn in Tennessee. Apple isn’t selling anyone porn anywhere. They’re selling devices that access the Internet, which just happens to be 100% made of porn.

For some reason, Sevier thinks this borderline NSFW video, which he included a link to in his complaint, helps his case:

Besides this video, Sevier also make references to 9/11. That’s right. He compares finding porn on the Internet to 9/11, writing on page 13:

History has taught us in the of 911. The United States Government knew where the terror camps in Afghanistan were, but we did nothing about them. The ultimate result of our non responsiveness to that festering problem was that two planes crashed into the world trade center, and 3,000 Americans lost their lives tragically.

I don’t think Sevier’s inability to distinguish reality is just limited to porn. If you have time to throw yourself further down this rabbit hole, here is the full 50 page complaint:

Chris Sevier Apple Complaint

(via Business Insider, image via Nicky Colman)

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