It’s the week before Valentine’s Day, when geek blogs across the universe start unsheathing their romance sticks and smacking you with pointy splinters of advice on what to get your special dorky someone or how to woo that special nerd girl or boy. GeekDad’s Jenny Williams came up with her own list of do’s for how to win over a geeky girl’s heart, suggestions like planning a romantic trip to a museum or making funny science jokes. Now, I thought these were pretty good, but perhaps not good enough to truly get the girl.
Thanks GeekDad for getting the ball rolling, but I’m going to show you how to use those tips to get the geeky girl — guaranteed!
1) Plan a board game night:
Better yet, plan a compelling evening of chess. Make sure to keep the night exciting by studying your old chess manuals and obsessively watching Bobby Fischer videos several weeks before your romantic evening of friendly, yet challenging, competition. Nothing says “I <3 You” like schooling your geeky girl’s ass in less than 10 moves over and over and over again.
2) Make science jokes:
Ah yes, the age old strategy of science jokes. Once you’ve buttered up your geeky girl’s mind with a series of jokes based on the periodic table, tell her you’re going to the bathroom to “freshen up.” Then go to the bathroom and put on your Bill Nye the Science Guy role-playing costume. Emerge from the bathroom and let the learning begin.
3) Plan a trip somewhere new and stimulating:
Sure, you could take your geeky girl to a cool science or natural history museum. But let’s face it, she’s probably been there 10 million times already. You’ll be sure to impress by going somewhere truly new–somewhere no one has ever been before. I recommend the rarely traveled space between life and death. You can prepare your geek girl for this by watching “Flatliners” and saying things during the movie like “Man, don’t you just wish you could almost die?” Once you’ve got her sufficiently excited, you can bring out a beautiful tiny heart-shaped chocolate cake and 30 cans of whipped cream. Give your girl half the cake and 15 cans of whipped cream. Do whip-its while sampling bits of cake. You should be able to enter the exciting realm between life and death in no time, ensuring a very memorable and original Valentine’s day trip.
4) Design a treasure hunt:
Everyone loves treasure! Begin by leaving a mysterious note on your geek girl’s bed, something like “Read me.” Hide yourself somewhere in the room, like inside the closet or behind a tapestry. Then, just as your girl bends over to pick up the note, fire a poison-tipped arrow at her from your crossbow. But don’t shoot to kill–try to graze her shoulder or thigh. You want to slow her down, not ruin the treasure hunt altogether. After she falls to the ground, slightly weakened by the poison, she’ll see the next “clue.” It should say “RUN,” in a fun font like “felt marker” or “comics sans.” I won’t spoil the fun by designing the whole treasure hunt for you, but make sure that once you’ve got your girl in an open field, your last “clue” lets her know that she’s the treasure!
5) Be able to have interesting conversations on any topic:
Geeky girls like guys who know a lot about everything. Like if your girl asks, “What do you think we should do for dinner, Chinese or Thai?”, you can answer by telling your girl that Confucius once said “Do not impose on others what you yourself do not desire.” This will give her a lot to think about, and really open up your discussion in new and interesting ways.
6) Learn to cook a variety of dishes:
Does your geek girl cook for you all the time? She’ll love it when you learn how to cook and make dinner for her! A week before Valentine’s Day, sign up for cooking classes. Think about the things your girl cooks that are just okay, like that lasagna she keeps making all the time. Show her how much you love her by using your newfound cooking skills to make lasagna for her. Use better ingredients, make your own pasta from scratch, and locally source your tomatoes for the sauce. When you serve your girl her Valentine’s Day dinner, make sure you tell her how much her cooking inspired you to improve your own cooking skills. Also tell her how much the conventional tomatoes she’s been buying are merely reinforcing the industrial food complex.
7) Give unusual flowers:
Your geeky girl will scoff at mundane flowers like tulips or roses. If you’re thinking a Venus fly-trap is unusual, think again. Any flower you can sneak through customs at an airport is so incredibly unoriginal. In order to impress your girl, you’ll need nothing short of the Titan Arum. This is one of the world’s largest flowering plants, found only in equatorial rain forests. Wrap it tightly in cellophane and put it in a place where your girl will be utterly surprised to find it–like on the bed! When she peels off the cellophane to reveal the gorgeously rare bloom of the flower, share your vast knowledge of botanicals with her, and explain how the flower gives off the fragrance of fresh rotting carcasses in order to attract carrion-eating beetles and flesh flies. Super bonus points for originality.
8) Learn about what she enjoys:
Does she enjoy Yoga? Then learn more about yoga. Find out where your girl takes yoga classes, and sign up for the same classes. When you go to class, make sure you disguise yourself well–a fake mustache perhaps, or a floppy hat. Position yourself in the back where you can see your girl, but not so close that she can see you. It’s very important that your girl not know how much you’re investing into learning about what she enjoys. It has to seem “natural,” like you just happen to also know a lot about yoga.
9) Be able to honestly express how you feel:
You can once and for all tell her that her Mii looks fat. She will appreciate your openness and honesty.
10) Leave a little mystery:
Mystery is truly the key to great sex appeal — that’s why every girl on earth is attracted to Daniel Craig as James Bond. Take a cue from this international man of romance: The week before Valentine’s Day, disappear from your house, taking with you only two pairs of pants. Leave behind your keys, cellphone, laptop, wallet, and all forms of identification. Don’t show up at work, and DO NOT log onto any of your email or bank accounts, WoW or Star Trek Online accounts, or anything that might indicate where you are–you don’t want to ruin the mystery. It will be hard to stay offline for a week, but trust me, it will be worth it. Finally, after crashing at shelters and dumpster-diving for a week, show up at your girl’s front door on Valentine’s Day wearing BOTH pairs of pants at the same time and shout “Surprise!”
(title image via MMAFT’s Flickr)
Published: Feb 9, 2010 10:18 am