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Please Save Me, I Can’t Stop Thinking About The Goop Lab

The Goop Show on Netflix

(image: Netflix)

The Goop Lab is not something I wanted to watch. I was forced into watching two episodes because of the sheer insanity that took place on the screen. And yet now, here I am, someone who cannot physically stop thinking about what little I did watch of this show.

Based on the inner workings of Gwyneth Paltrow’s “wellness”-oriented lifestyle brand, Goop, the show sends the employees on adventures to “wellness” trends. Testing to see if these things actually do anything, episodes range from accepting our vulvas (literally didn’t know it wasn’t called a vagina, so that’s health class) to psychic readings. The two episodes (well, an episode, and then the batshit ending to another episode) I watched were the psychic episode and the “changing your inner age” episode.

First, let’s get into the inner age nonsense. Basically, Goop and her team of women in nice pastels want to change their inner age and be younger. So, they go on strange diet cleanses (but they’re not really cleanses?) and get facials that feel more like torture than actually relaxing facial treatments.

Paltrow has to go through eating less than 500 calories a day at one point (do not do this), and her daughter, Apple Martin, is taunting her by saying she had a burrito. It’s truly one of the greatest things I’ve ever seen. All of this, though, is so that Paltrow can lose a few years off her inner age. (Again, I don’t really know.) I’m still thinking about the facials, though. Paltrow uses her own blood platelets, and the other two have either a bunch of needles in their face or literally pull their faces back using plastic string, so it’s terrifying.

But the other episode I ventured into is when Goop and her crew talk about psychics. I like going to psychics, and I like the idea of life beyond this realm. So when it got to the end of the episode and a psychic reading was taking place, I couldn’t help but laugh. The entire time, the psychic kept saying things to a skeptical employee of Goop, and she just kept saying no, and then, by the end, the camera pans over and, apparently, the psychic was reading one of the PAs on set.

Truly, the moment that broke me, however, comes after the psychic reading, when it cuts to Gwyneth Paltrow, and she says, “Wow, that’s crazy,” in the driest way possible.

The thing is, I keep thinking about this show and how I want to go back and watch more, but not because I think there’s valuable information. Every single thing they’re talking about is too expensive for me to even dream of doing, and even if it weren’t too expensive, it’s probably a danger to my health, BUT don’t worry, every episode starts with a warning.

Should you watch The Goop Lab? Honestly, maybe? Just to watch the camera pan over to Gwyneth Paltrow and have her react in the most monotone voice I’ve ever heard in my life. It’s out there. I think it’s maybe convincing me to become a lifestyle guru, but it’s also just fun to put on and question everything.

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