Michael Phelps Kissing Gold Medal Olympics
(Clive Rose/Getty Images)

Let the Olympics Be Horny!

Imagine this: you’ve devoted a good portion of your life towards becoming an elite athlete and finally get to realize your dream of going to the Olympics and representing your country. Only once you get there, you encounter the dreaded cardboard, anti-sex bed, and now, well, your dreams are dashed.

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That’s right, we’re here today to discuss the perplexing anti-sex cardboard beds Olympic athletes are forced to sleep on in the Olympic Village. In case you were unaware of this blight on the human condition, the Tokyo 2020 Olympics (held in 2021 because thanks, COVID) decided to be the least horny Olympics ever by making every athlete in the Olympic Village sleep on narrow mattresses supported by lightweight cardboard, which will collapse under the weight of two people.

These monstrosities have been deemed “the anti-sex beds” and Paris is bringing them back for the 2024 games. This is especially surprising since just last month, it was reported that the Paris Olympics had ordered 300,000 condoms to be made available for all those horny athletes. So why the anti-sex pivot??

Olympic officials will tell you that the beds have nothing to do with being prudish, and that they’re a bid to be more eco-friendly and sustainable. The beds will be recycled after the Olympics, they say. I don’t buy it. We’re living in quite possibly the least horny era in human civilization. There are actually people online who the Hayes Code, to make movies even less horny than they are now, if that’s even possible! Surely there are better options for beds that can be reused or repurposed. So why keep using the least horny beds possible?

Now, look, if you follow the Olympics in any capacity, you’re probably aware it’s rumored the Olympic Village is basically one long episode of True Blood without the vampires. That is to say, it’s supposedly orgies, threesomes, and general debauchery abounding the entire time. To them, I say: good for you! Embrace the moment, do your best in your competition, and above all, get laid! Why not? This is presumably a once-in-a-lifetime experience. If that’s what you want, who are prudish Olympic officials to stop you? I mean, floors still exist in the Olympic Village, do they not?

That’s what’s so bizarre about the anti-sex beds to begin with, because there are other places to get down outside of a bed. This is just another entry in the war on horniness in my opinion. Plus, I’m a firm believer that where there’s a will, there’s a way. If horny Olympians want to go at it, then they will go at it. You don’t get to go to the Olympics by half-assing anything, so who are the Olympic officials to think their rinky-dink cardboard beds are going to slow down the horniness one bit?

Olympic sex is going to happen either way, so those officials might as well provide a more comfortable bed for it to happen in, lest it happen outside of the privacy of someone’s room, as has been rumored in the past. So to the Olympic Officials, I say: Let the Olympics be horny, you prudes! It will happen whether you want it to or not.


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Author
Kate Hudson
Kate Hudson (no, not that one) has been writing about pop culture and reality TV in particular for six years, and is a Contributing Writer at The Mary Sue. With a deep and unwavering love of Twilight and Con Air, she absolutely understands her taste in pop culture is both wonderful and terrible at the same time. She is the co-host of the popular Bravo trivia podcast Bravo Replay, and her favorite Bravolebrity is Kate Chastain, and not because they have the same first name, but it helps.