Newt Scamander and Albus Dumbledore Have a Chat

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“Newton Scamander! You are looking well, my boy! It’s good to see you again.”

“You too, Professor Dumbledore. Sorry that I asked you here to help hunt down your old boyfriend.”

“Not at all, Newt, not at all. The follies of youth can come back to haunt us. When I was in love with Gellert Grindelwald as young man, I never could have guessed that his face would come to be one of the most despised in the world.”

“To be honest, Professor, I liked him a lot more when he looked like Colin Farrell, even though he tried to kill me and everyone that I care about. He had great hair and a strong jawline, brooded perfectly, and no romantic partner has ever alleged that Colin Farrell was an abusive git.”

“Quite so, Newt. Grindelwald’s true form resembling Johnny Depp is most frightful indeed. I don’t doubt that you shied away from the sight of him. His presence in New York is most misguided. He should never have dared to show such a face.”

“I’ve wondered, Profes—should I call you Dumbledore, now that we are not at Hogwarts?”

“Call me Albus, dear Newt. You always were one of my favorite students, you know. So promising, so devoted to those excellent beasts. I’m sorry I couldn’t prevent you from being expelled.”

“I’ve completely forgotten about all that, Prof—Albus. Who hasn’t taken the blame for their crush’s catastrophic and illegal magical folly and thus be cast almost entirely out of proper Wizarding society?”

“I know what you mean, son. There but for the grace of Merlin’s beard go I. Such a thing might have happened to me as well, were I not warned off from my misguided romance by the revelation of who Grindelwald looked like under his charming veneer.”

“You really dodged a Cruciatus curse there, Albus.”

“Don’t I know it. Newt, you … you know that since you’re no longer in Hufflepuff, you don’t have to wear Hufflepuff colors anymore, right?”

“I know. But I can’t resist a yellow vest, sir. Once a Hufflepuff, always a Hufflepuff, I suppose.”

“Quite understood. If you don’t mind me saying so, your boots are fantastic.”

“I was just about to say the same about your shoes! And your hat. I might have mistaken you for a proper muggle!”

“I’m glad. It is my intention to keep my identity hidden until we track down Grindelwald and hold him accountable for his crimes. Sometimes I wonder if my old feelings will interfere when I see him again … but then I remember the face that he wears. And the haircut. I know I will be safe.”

(image: Entertainment Weekly)

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Kaila Hale-Stern
Kaila Hale-Stern (she/her) is a content director, editor, and writer who has been working in digital media for more than fifteen years. She started at TMS in 2016. She loves to write about TV—especially science fiction, fantasy, and mystery shows—and movies, with an emphasis on Marvel. Talk to her about fandom, queer representation, and Captain Kirk. Kaila has written for io9, Gizmodo, New York Magazine, The Awl, Wired, Cosmopolitan, and once published a Harlequin novel you'll never find.