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Let Us Give Thanks: David Hayter Releases Footage of His 2003 Version of Watchmen

"Human bean juice."
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Obsessed with Damon Lindelof’s continuation of Watchmen? Trying to forget Zack Snyder’s lukewarm 2009 film adaptation? Well you’re in luck because David Hayter (writer of X-Men and X2) just released test footage from his 2003 crack at Alan Moore’s iconic superhero maxi-series. And it. is. WILD.

Now I don’t mean wild in the American, hyper-violent, overly-sexual, sense. No. I mean wild in just how extremely … Well … British it is. For a series that was Moore’s critique of the Americana-entrenched superhero genre (it is set in an alternate timeline of the United States where Nixon was President through the 1980s), this test footage … lacks any connection to the states except for all of the references to beans. (Though it must be noted, the Brits love their beans too.) To be fair, the test footage rescued from VHS is only 4 minutes long and is of one of the introductory scenes, so it’s possible that Hayter’s version would have addressed this further on.

Then there’s the casting. Iain Glen (aka Jorah freaking Mormont) plays Dan Dreiberg, better known as Nite Owl 2. Ray Stevenson (aka Voltagg from the Thor films) plays Rorschach. I think Glen as Dreiberg actually kind of works. He’s got that repressed milquetoast vibe going. Plus Jorah Mormont is my favorite friend zone daddy, which works well for Nite Owl too. However, Stevenson as Rorschach gives off major Fassbender as David 8 vibes and it is truly hilarious. He is so polished. So refined. He says the line “Human bean juice” as if he were ordering a Pimm’s cup while watching a polo tournament. It is so antithetical to the grizzled white trash vagrant that is Rorschach that I have gone from hating it to LIVING for it. Put “Human bean juice” on my head stone because I will stan it forever.

They say the holidays are a time to give thanks and to surround yourselves with your loved ones, so let us give thanks to Hayter for blessing us with this glimpse into what could have been, but luckily never was, and let us surround ourselves with the holy images of Jean Smart caressing that giant blue Dr. Manhattan vibrator and Jeremy Irons meditating shirtless. It has been quite a bountiful year.

(Image: DC Comics)

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Brittany Knupper
Brittany is a lifelong Californian (it's a big state, she can't find her way out!) who currently resides in sunny Los Angeles with her gigantic, vaguely cat-shaped companion Gus. If you stumble upon her she might begin proselytizing about Survivor, but give her an iced coffee and she will calm down.