John Mulaney performs onstage

John Mulaney: Defender of Dogs, Hater of Your Stupid Scooters

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When it comes to loving your dog, John Mulaney is one of the best. He constantly is posting about his dog Petunia, shows how much he loves her, and she’s often been the focus of jokes in his sets. That doesn’t mean that she’s anything less than perfect in his eyes, though. So, when she almost died because of a rogue electric scooter user, Mulaney took to social media to tell us all of his hatred of the new trend.

Petunia Mulaney is honestly more important than John Mulaney. Yeah, I said it. My love for John himself runs deep, but sweet baby Petunia has taken our heart with her flat little snout and run with it. So, when John Mulaney went on Instagram to share that Petunia was almost run over by one of these scooters that have popped up in cities around the country and carry out his personal vendetta against them, I understood his John Wick-ish quest.

Twitter user @Nellanndee captured Mulaney’s stories (because, you know, Instagram), and they honestly make a lot of sense:

Sure, we’re trying to find eco-friendly alternatives to cars (though this may not be it), and we’re certainly into public transit solutions, but we also have to recognize that putting pedestrians in danger isn’t a great solution, either. Often, I’ve found myself fighting a biker off the sidewalk in New York because they didn’t feel like biking in the street, so imagine a dog on the sidewalk having to worry about additional vehicles.

So, when you really think about it, Mulaney is right. Scooters, while fun and helpful for transportation, can be dangerous, and the idea that you can just leave them anywhere is gross, but also his point is more against those who use them recklessly. So often, in big cities, we’re under attack from those on wheels because they have the basic understanding that if you have wheels, you go on the road, not on the sidewalk.

Mulaney using the near-death experience of Petunia to bring this issue to light is courageous and what we need. (I know I sound facetious, but also if something happened to Petunia, I would hunt down the culprit myself because that sweet baby deserves NOTHING but the world.) We, as humans, often just get angry and roll our eyes and continue in our ways, but I know I personally did not think about the potential of dogs and what would happen if one of these scooters hit an unsuspecting pup.

I mean, now I kind of want to see John Mulaney go full John Wick, because I think THAT could be the movie of the century, but alas, we’ll have to deal with him taking to Instagram to yell about the irresponsible nature of scooter users in Washington D.C. instead.

(image: Roy Rochlin/Getty Images for NRDC)

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Rachel Leishman
Rachel Leishman (She/Her) is an Assistant Editor at the Mary Sue. She's been a writer professionally since 2016 but was always obsessed with movies and television and writing about them growing up. A lover of Spider-Man and Wanda Maximoff's biggest defender, she has interests in all things nerdy and a cat named Benjamin Wyatt the cat. If you want to talk classic rock music or all things Harrison Ford, she's your girl but her interests span far and wide. Yes, she knows she looks like Florence Pugh. She has multiple podcasts, normally has opinions on any bit of pop culture, and can tell you can actors entire filmography off the top of her head. Her work at the Mary Sue often includes Star Wars, Marvel, DC, movie reviews, and interviews.