Colin Robinson from What We Do in the Shadows looks off camera.

I’d Like Colin Robinson in ‘What We Do in the Shadows’ To Grow Up Already, Please

Oh, to hear his thoughts on zoning ordinances again

Colin Robinson (Mark Proksch) has certainly gone through some changes lately in FX’s What We Do in the Shadows. He died, he was reborn, he launched a successful career as a nightclub entertainer, and he found a father figure in Laszlo. Good for him! But the whole Baby Colin schtick is starting to get a bit old. Could he maybe grow up a bit faster?

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The saga of Colin Robinson

A quick recap, in case you’re struggling to keep Colin’s resurrection story straight: In season 3, Laszlo found out that energy vampires die exactly one hundred years after their birth. With Colin’s 100th birthday coming up, Laszlo did the math, and spent most of the season bonding with Colin before his impending death. Sure enough, Colin kicked the bucket at his birthday party, with his corpse quickly turning into a brittle husk.

What Laszlo didn’t know about energy vampires is that they crawl out of their own chests as hideous babies after they die. After Laszlo found out about that little quirk, he became Colin’s surrogate father. Colin’s been slowly growing up throughout season 4, and manifesting all the most charming and annoying aspects of childhood. As a preschooler, he runs around hammering holes into the walls. As a school-age kid, he won’t shut up about Roblox and starts every sentence with “Guess what?” Laszlo takes it upon himself to steer Colin away from energy vampirism and turn him into someone other people actually want to spend time with, but his efforts have an unexpected side effect: He develops genuine affection for Colin.

There’s another surprising development in Colin’s growth, too. When the main act at Nadja’s new nightclub cancels, she scrambles to find a replacement and Colin ends up on the stage, singing show tunes. It turns out vampires love watching children perform, and Colin, who used to be so boring that onlookers passed out, is an instant hit.

Where will Colin go from here?

The series is setting up a pretty interesting conflict for when Colin finally grows up to his original adult self. At this point, Laszlo has invested a lot of time, energy, and emotion into little Colin’s upbringing. Nadja’s raking it in at the nightclub, thanks to Colin’s performances. What’s going to happen when this kid needs to start boring people into unconsciousness in order to feed? What will happen to his relationship with Laszlo? What will happen to Nadja’s nightclub? What will it be like for the vamps to have a Colin around who doesn’t remember his previous life?

Watching all that stuff play out should be really interesting … when it eventually happens.

For now, though, it seems increasingly likely that Colin won’t grow up in this season. Episode 9 is airing this week, and Colin has barely hit puberty. Even the series itself seems to realize that the Colin plot is dragging. The last episode, “Go Flip Yourself,” barely featured Colin at all. He ran in, hammered a few holes in the wall for old times’ sake, and promptly drifted out of the plot altogether. How long is this story arc going to take?

Even the last episode to revolve around Colin, “Private School,” didn’t feature him much. Instead, the spotlight was on Laszlo, Nandor, Nadja, and Guillermo as they muddled their way through a private school admission interview, relying so much on hypnosis to get their story straight that they blew a fuse in the admission director’s brain. That episode was so funny—from the absurd scenarios the vampires came up with to Nandor’s hideous magically altered face—but almost all the humor came from the adults in the room.

Every episode with little to no Colin content is a crime, because Mark Proksch is so funny! Remember that time Colin marked his territory with his farts? Or when he had a vampiric showdown with Evie the emotional vampire? Or his interminable speech about ordinances during his megafeed at the city council meeting? Colin’s deadpan persona, coupled with his vampiric ruthlessness and disregard for the lives of his victims, make him the perfect foil for the outlandishness of the other vampires in his household. To put it bluntly: I miss Colin, I want him back, and I’m starting to get impatient.

Come back, grownup Colin! I promise you can fart as much as you want. I just want to hear your boring, boring voice again.

(featured image: FX)


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Julia Glassman
Julia Glassman (she/her) holds an MFA from the Iowa Writers' Workshop, and has been covering feminism and media since 2007. As a staff writer for The Mary Sue, Julia covers Marvel movies, folk horror, sci fi and fantasy, film and TV, comics, and all things witchy. Under the pen name Asa West, she's the author of the popular zine 'Five Principles of Green Witchcraft' (Gods & Radicals Press). You can check out more of her writing at <a href="https://juliaglassman.carrd.co/">https://juliaglassman.carrd.co/.</a>