Thinking about my fictional boyfriends often means that I have to grapple with the fact that some of them would not do too hot in a life-or-death situation. Whether it is because they died in their own world or because they’re just a panicky mess, a lot of the fictional boys I’ve chosen to love are … well, they’re a bit of a mess.
But I do have my knights in shining armor (some are literally in shining armor … looking at you, Din Djarin). But now, as we continue to head towards the end of the world, I keep thinking about which of my faves would actually survive the apocalypse. Who would protect me? (I’m short. I need help in this End of Days situation.) Who would just be a panicked mess with me and probably die first? Well … I have some thoughts.
So let’s take a journey through all my fictional boys and see who would survive in the apocalypse that’s most definitely heading our way.
Ben Wyatt from Parks and Recreation
(NBC)
I love Benjamin Wyatt so much. I named my cat after him. I think about his stress levels constantly, and with that knowledge, I also recognize that Ben Wyatt would instantly die in an apocalypse situation. Not only would he freak out the entire time, but he’d probably come up with some elaborate way of surviving that would ultimately get him killed instantly. Ben, I’ll come to you for money troubles but I will not join you in the end of days.
1/10 survivability rate.
Din Djarin from The Mandalorian
(Lucasfilm)
You think Din Djarin wouldn’t be able to protect you? Wouldn’t have plenty of ways to survive in an apocalypse? He hands down would, and honestly, watching him take out people trying to hurt the ones he cares about would be something else. Honestly, I’d let Din Djarin take me away in the Razor Crest (RIP) wherever he wanted, apocalypse or not. But for the purpose of this piece, yes, I think that Din could survive an apocalypse-like situation and also make sure I didn’t do something ill-advised to get myself killed.
10/10 survivability rate.
Steve Trevor from Wonder Woman
(Warner Bros.)
Steve Trevor is a boy who will always try to do the right thing. Meaning he’ll sacrifice himself if it means the betterment of those he loves and the world at large. So, in an apocalypse-like situation, I think Steve Trevor would, ultimately, do something rash to try to save everyone around him. He’d tell everyone else to run and distract the zombies or whatever else was coming for us and then die to make sure we all survived for a while longer. So, he’d have a good chance at being around for a while, but I don’t think he’d make it to the end or live a long, full life.
6/10 survivability rate.
Peter B. Parker from Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse
(Marvel Entertainment)
I love Peter Parker so much. I love all versions of him but there is no way he’d manage to not get bitten or killed in an apocalypse relatively quickly. He’s a good superhero, he knows how to fight his bad guys, but I just don’t think he’d manage the apocalypse well. Just look at Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse. He’d just want to lay around and cry about the end of the world, and can you blame him? Still, in an end of the world situation, I don’t know that I’d want Peter B. Parker there.
2/10 survivability rate.
Oberyn Martell from Game of Thrones
(HBO)
Let us not forget that Oberyn Martell did defeat the Mountain at the same time that the Mountain crashed in his skull. So sure, the fact that Oberyn was killed (even though he wanted to die) could be a strike against him, but for me, that’s just further proof of why Oberyn would survive the apocalypse. He took on a man nearly 3 times his stature and, if he wanted to survive the fight, he would have. Would I also like to just hang out in Dorne with Oberyn while the apocalypse happened? Yes, of course, but I do also think he’d be pretty good at surviving the end of the world.
8/10 survivability rate.
Chidi Anagonye from The Good Place
(NBC)
No way in hell is Chidi surviving an apocalypse. Much like Ben Wyatt, Chidi is a bundle of nerves who cannot make a decision to save his life. So in the end of world times, Chidi would definitely not be great to have around in regards to making decisions quickly and trying to figure out the best course of action. Trying to unpack the moral turmoil of surviving the apocalypse, though? That’s when you’d need to have Chidi around.
1/10 survivability rate.
Owen Sharma from The Haunting of Hill House
(Netflix)
Owen survived a haunting. What can’t he do? While I don’t think that Owen would be the best in this situation, I do think that he’d find ways to adapt to the apocalypse and work out for the best how to keep everyone alive. Probably with cooking and just trying to keep them all indoors and safe. So he might not be the best if a fight broke out but he would be the guy you’d want around to keep you feeling safe, warm, and happy.
5.5/10 survivability rate.
Tony Stark from the Marvel Cinematic Universe
(Marvel Entertainment)
While Tony would probably do something stupid to get himself killed, he is incredibly smart and wealthy (with plenty of apocalypse-useful resources to go along with it) and has the means of creating things to help us combat whatever apocalyptic situation we’d find ourselves in or to just keep everyone safe. So, I’d want to be on Tony’s side just for the security in the end of times. Still, I don’t think Tony would not die, if that makes sense. He’d piss someone off and they’d shoot him or something.
7/10 survivability rate.
Cassian Andor from Rogue One
(Lucasfilm)
Oh my sweet boy. Cassian Andor is a great fighter, quick on his feet, smart, and willing to do whatever is necessary to complete the mission. So, he’d survive for quite a while, he’d be there to make sure everyone around him was safe and secure, but he’d also find himself in some situation where he had to sacrifice himself in order for everyone else to get out alive and well. So for that, I’d love having him around but I just don’t know how long he’d last.
6/10 survivability rate.
Bruce Wayne from the DC Universe
(Warner Bros.)
Bruce Wayne has tons of resources at his disposal. Bruce Wayne is a great detective. Bruce Wayne also does some pretty reckless things. So in regards to figuring out how to survive and having the means to survive well, Bruce would stay alive and protect those around him. But all it would take is one guy trying to break into his things for Bruce to do something rash and get hurt because he constantly seems to forget that he’s just a human.
6/10 survivability rate.
Robb Stark from Game of Thrones
(HBO)
Robb Stark, you beautiful boy. You’re good at fighting, you would have been a good king, but you’re also selfish and childish and make mistakes. So the likelihood of you surviving an apocalypse isn’t that great. And with Robb’s track record, he’d probably get everyone with him killed too. So maybe not the best to go with in the end of the world.
3/10 survivability rate.
Nick Miller from New Girl
(FOX)
Look, would Nick Miller somehow survive longer than you’d expect? Yes, of course. He’d make it like a year into the apocalypse and everyone would wonder how the hell he made it that far. But that doesn’t mean he’d be good at surviving. It’d all be accidental and then he’d probably die in the worst way possible but we’d still love him for it.
2/10 survivability rate.
Eggsy Unwin from Kingsman
(20th Century Fox)
Eggsy is resourceful. Eggsy knows how to fight. Eggsy is also just a human being with some fun gadgets. So in a real life-or-death situation in the apocalypse, I don’t know how well he’d do. He wouldn’t have his fun weapons or the resources of the Kingsman, so who knows what would happen. I don’t think he’d be bad during the end of days, but I don’t necessarily think he’d instantly survive, either.
4/10 survivability rate.
Finn from Star Wars
(Lucasfilm)
Not only did Finn survive his time as a stormtrooper, but he survived the rebellion and fighting off Kylo Ren—not to mention the fact that Finn is probably (most definitely) Force-sensitive. So having him on your side in the apocalypse would work best for you, and also who doesn’t love Finn and want him around?
9/10 survivability rate.
Glenn Rhee from The Walking Dead
(AMC)
While Glenn Rhee did die on The Walking Dead, a show about the zombie apocalypse, he lived for a long while and his death wasn’t really his fault. Negan chose to kill Glenn and so I’m not counting that. Plus, in my mind, Glenn is alive and well somewhere. So, for the purposes of my list, Glenn would do well and survive and everything is fine.
8/10 survivability rate.
Javier Peña from Narcos
(Narcos)
Would I spend my days with fictional Javier Peña and not care about the apocalypse? Yes. Yes I would. But he’s also a trained DEA agent and I feel like that would come in handy against the zombie mob? Who knows? But much like some of my other fictional boys, he’s just a human. So, he might not survive very long, but he won’t instantly perish either.
5/10 survivability rate.
Bucky Barnes from the Marvel Cinematic Universe
(Marvel Entertainment)
Come on. You know that Bucky Barnes would do well in an apocalypse situation. He’s the Winter Soldier and even if he isn’t programmed to fight for HYDRA anymore, he still has that training engrained in him. So he’d fight to protect those around him and manage to survive for a pretty long time during the end of the world. He just might not be that happy about it.
7/10 survivability rate.
Toby Howard from Hell or High Water
(Lionsgate)
Toby Howard is a beautiful man trying to protect his family. So how does that translate to the end of the world? It doesn’t. As much as I love Hell or High Water, Toby barely survived a run-in with Jeff Bridges. He’s not going to survive the apocalypse.
2/10 survivability rate.
Kendall Roy from Succession
(HBO)
The number one boy doesn’t have a chance in hell of surviving the end of the world. He can barely handle fighting with his father. So in what world would he survive an apocalypse-like situation? Kendall would cry and just give up and we all know it, and that’s why we love him so much.
1/10 survivability rate.
Llewyn Davis from Inside Llewyn Davis
(CBS Films)
Again, absolutely not. I love him so much, but I love him because he’s just so sad. He can barely survive the music scene and we think he can survive the end of the world? No. He’d probably just go walk through the snow in a light coat and freeze to death beacause that’s just who Llewyn Davis is.
0/10 survivability rate.
Finnick Odair from The Hunger Games
(Lionsgate)
Finnick couldn’t survive his own battle with President Snow, but he is strong and someone who would fight their way through the end of the world. I just sadly think he’s destined for pain and death. So to my love Finnick, I think you’d be a good contender for the end of the world. I just don’t think you’d make it.
6/10 survivability rate.
The 11th Doctor from Doctor Who
(BBC)
HE HAS THE TARDIS! If there was anyone I’d be like “Yes, let’s go” to, it’s probably the Doctor. Take me in the TARDIS somewhere far away from the end of the world or take me back in time and just leave me there to live out my days. The Doctor would not only survive but try to stop the apocalypse from coming, and we have to respect that.
10/10 survivability rate.
Edward Cullen from Twilight
(Summit Entertainment)
Edward Cullen survived the COVID and the 1918 flu pandemic. You know he’s surviving the apocalypse. This man is never going to die.
10/10 survivability rate.
Sirius Black from Harry Potter
(Warner Bros.)
Sirius Black could barely function when he was alive and couldn’t even compete in a magic fight against his cousin. I love him, I really do, but there is no situation that doesn’t result in Sirius Black’s death. My boy is always destined to be sad and dead, and maybe that’s why he’s always a favorite of mine.
4/10 survivability rate.
Poe Dameron from Star Wars
(Lucasfilm)
Poe Dameron has survived a lot. He’s lived a life prior to joining up with Leia and the rebellion, and even fighting alongside Finn and Rey, he’s gotten into his fair share of scraps. So I think he’d do well in the end of days. Might get into a fight with someone and get badly hurt, but he’d at least survive throughout most of the apocalypse.
7/10 survivability rate.
James T. Kirk from Star Trek
(Paramount)
Yes and no. Yes because James T. Kirk is quick thinking and knows how to navigate any situation. And no because he’s brash and reckless from time to time. So when he’s thrust into this world of unknowns, the chances are that he’s going to put himself in danger at some point and it might not end well.
6/10 survivability rate.
Chewbacca from Star Wars
(Lucasfilm)
Oh come on, if anyone were going to survive the apocalypse, it’s gotta be Chewie. He’s survived so much and he’s still going. He’d take on whatever came his way with ease, and that’s why I’d want Chewie on my team.
10/10 survivability rate.
—
Would all my boys survive? Of course not. But that’s why I love them.
(image: Lucasfilm/Marvel Entertainment/BBC)
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