For all its 1000+ logs, One Piece is a series that has contained exactly one kiss. Plenty of nosebleeds, but just one kiss. The absence of explicit romance in One Piece is, to me, one of the many things which make it so compelling. I know many disagree, but just think how thrilling it’s going to be when Sanji and Nami finally kiss! Or when Sanji and Zoro finally kiss!
If you would like more romance in One Piece, you have two choices. One is to read fan fiction—a good choice. The other is to fill your free time by contemplating what various characters would be like on a date. Clearly, Trafalgar Law would make a great date (shhhh don’t tell my heart otherwise). But for the sake of sanity, we’re going to narrow this deep, important contemplation to the Straw Hats.
11. Sanji (if you’re not a woman): the very insulting date
If you happen to not be a beautiful young woman, a date with Sanji is unfortunately out of the cards. Like, literally a non-starter. If you are not a beautiful woman and you suggest a date, he will simply yell at you and insult you in some way. And then go chase after a passing beautiful and/or young woman. There’s unfortunate precedence here with his treatment of the citizens of Kama Bakka, too. I love Sanji, actually, but … come on, guy.
10. Zoro: the dead-in-the-water date
Speaking of non-starter dates, let us briefly ponder what a date with the Straw Hats swordsman would be like. You’re having trouble envisioning it, right? Because all he does is nap and weight train and fight, and seems to show little interest in much else? (Did you hear that? It’s the sound of me making Zoro stans incredibly angry.)
But, for real, what would conversation be like at a romantic dinner with Zoro? I imagine him immediately getting bored. Plus, he would be drinking absurd amounts of sake the whole time. Major turn-off.
9. Brook: the “can I see your panties?” date
The first moments of a date with Brook would be very predictable, at least if you’re female. He would say: “Oh my, a beautiful lady! May I please see your panties?” And then, if you take your cues from Nami, you would promptly kick him in the head.
The date would be okay after that rejection, if you could excuse Brook’s burping and continual skeleton jokes. And he would play a song or two for you, which would be certainly lovely. But that’s all if you could forgive his rather egregious up-front unwanted advance.
8. Jinbe: the dad date
Don’t get me wrong—Jinbe is the name of my pandemic cat, I love the guy. He would certainly be a very chivalrous date: take you to a nice restaurant, pull out your chair for you, make polite conversation, get the bill, etc etc. But I suspect the whole thing would have an uncomfortable air of dating a dad. Jinbe has big dad energy (pun intended, thank you). It would be a dad date. Not for everyone.
7. Nami: the expensive date
There are many, many people in this world who would love to go on a date with Nami. She’s quite hot, after all. But would Nami actually be a good date? Your lust would have to be bigger than your pockets, and your pockets would have to be very large indeed. Nami would ask you to take her to the nicest restaurant and would order the most expensive thing on the menu. Naturally, you’re paying. Maybe you’ll take her shopping, too. Again – you’re paying.
Also, bad news for that lust of yours: there’s no way the date is ending with a kiss. Forget anything beyond that, either.
6. Chopper: the cute date
Perhaps you have trouble imagining dating a reindeer, even if he’s eaten the Human-Human Fruit. Or perhaps Chopper is firmly Cute Zoned in your mind. But if neither of those apply to you (hey, no judgment), Chopper would be a fun date. Especially if you like sweets. You could walk around a park eating cotton candy together, and Chopper would be super impressed by everything you told him about yourself. And then he’d excitedly lead you towards the merry-go-round. Sounds kinda nice, right?
5. Franky: the bombastic date
Franky’s a pervert—but so are most men (ba-da bing!). At least Franky is very up-front and honest about his perversion. He’s definitely emblematic of a Type, though: muscular, loud, bombastic. But if this is your type, Franky’s your SUPERRRR guy.
Franky’s maturity relative to the other Straw Hats would actually make him a decent date, too. He would be easy to have a conversation with, and he’d pay attention to what you say. Hell, his idea of his own “manliness” probably means he’d pick up the dinner bill, too.
4. Robin: the dark date
Speaking of interesting conversation: Nico Robin. She’s one of the smartest characters in One Piece, and if you ask her the right questions, she would have fascinating things to say over dinner. The problem is that very few of these topics would be “light fare.” Robin ain’t got time for that. Her mind also works in the pessimistic ways to be expected of someone with childhood PTSD, so get ready for some very dark trains of thought, which she tends to deliver very bluntly. I say this as someone with childhood PTSD—my partner has gotten used to it. Mostly.
Robin would also be an Advanced Level date, I think. With the wrong person—someone pushy, for example—she’d shut down and make an excuse to leave early.
And I’m just gonna say it: if the date goes amazingly, sex with Robin would be………. really interesting.
3. Luffy: the fun-seeking asexual date
Don’t go into a date with Luffy expecting anything physical. Basically, a date with Luffy would have no romance in it whatsoever. But as long as you can stand loud eaters, you’d have a hell of a fun time. Luffy’s the kind of guy who could make literally any activity novel. Show up somewhere to meet him, and you have no idea where you’d end up. But you’d definitely laugh a lot. Though perhaps a date with Luffy is not for vegetarians.
2. Usopp: the sweet, no-risk-taken date
If you think back on Usopp’s feelings for Kaya, a new side unlocks: a very sweet, sentimental side. The kind of guy who would take you out to dinner and regale you with hilarious stories. The kind of guy who would take you to a scenic overlook after dinner to talk about your dreams. There would be no extreme risks on an Usopp date – it’s Usopp, after all – but you would definitely have a really nice time.
1. Sanji (if you’re a woman): the all-inclusive luxury date
This list both begins and ends with Sanji, because how could it not? If you’re a beautiful, young woman, a date with Sanji would be amazing. Very few of us have been so luxuriously pampered and waited upon in our lives. Sanji would open the door for you, a delicious aperitif already in hand. On the stove would be perhaps the best gourmet dinner you’ll ever eat. And he’d cap it off with a perfectly paired dessert. All the while, you would not lift a finger. Hell, Sanji would probably spoon-feed you if you wanted. And everything you say would be enthralling to him.
Would it be a deep, lasting, meaningful human-to-human bond? Weeeeeell… Not immediately.
(Image credits: Toei Animation)
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