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A Practical Guide for the Removal and Storage of Magical Hearts

And Now For Something Completely Different

Whether you live in the Enchanted Forest or a small town like Story Brook, the reasons for removing and storing magical hearts are endless! From controlling the town law enforcement and simple blackmail to proving a point and preserving your very life through the super-secret storage of your own magical heart, once you understand the basics, you’re well on your way to becoming the all-powerful queen you’ve always known you should be.

Instructions:

Step 1: Get yourself some dark magic training. Your chances of getting lessons are greatly improved if you happen to be a self-righteous miller’s daughter or—even better—a princess with a grudge against her mother. Either way, seek out the dark one and apply for lessons at once.

Step 2: Eliminate all human emotion, empathy, and compassion from your own heart.

Step 3: Warm up. You never want to yank out a heart before you’re ready. It often helps to contemplate the hatred you feel toward your mother/the world in general.

Step 4: Locate your victim and maneuver to within an arm’s length of their chest. Princesses make the best victims but huntsmen, stable boys, and estranged wives all work just as well.

Step 5: Visualizing yourself with the heart in hand, ram your fist into your victim’s chest, close your fingers around their warm, glowing heart, and rip it out in one, smooth motion. This step is tricky and will be made more efficient with consistent practice.

Step 6: Store your freshly-pulled heart in a decorative, heart-sized box. These vessels can be procured from Gepetto or similar woodcutter/Pier One Imports.

Step 7: Be sure to label the box. Many an accidental magical-candle-induced death have resulted in poor labeling practices.

Step 8: Store your magical hearts in a cool, dry place. A crypt is the ideal storage option thanks to its constant humidity, temperature, and light. Likewise, a pest-free crypt is ideal.

Step 9: Lock the crypt to ensure that no unwanted persons or princesses may enter without permission.

Step 10: Continue about your life with the confidence that you could remove (almost) anyone’s heart at any time.

Tips & Warnings:

  • Though it may feel unseemly at first, unicorns make excellent practice victims.
  • Implanting the magical heart into that of another being is typically met with poor results.
  • Be careful when choosing your victim—if they were conceived through an act of true love, they are invulnerable to this method.
  • Beware of black spots within a heart—they are a sign that the heart may be going bad. It’s best to simply put those back.

AshleyRose is an artist, writer, and fulltime geek. She’s watching all of Star Trek in a year and chronicling the adventure at My Year of Star Trek. She loves OUAT and spends a lot of time shipping Mulan/Aurora.

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