World Suicide Prevention Day: I Will Probably Always Be Sick, but That Doesn’t Mean I’m Broken
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (1-800-273-8255)
We can all help prevent suicide. The Lifeline provides 24/7, free and confidential support for people in distress, prevention and crisis resources for you or your loved ones, and best practices for professionals.
Since the last World Suicide Prevention Day, I’ve had some severe incidents of depression. I’ve gone back into therapy, I have done research into medication, and I’ve had to struggle with my longterm dance partner, suicidal ideation.
As I’ve discussed in other articles before, it’s something I have struggled with since I was a child. While it used to disturb me, now, as an adult, it feels so normal. Sometimes, I feel like I know that one day it’s going to happen. I’ve never pictured myself living to be an old woman, and I never saw myself getting sick; for me, death was always like that passage in Deathly Hollows where you embrace it, and it scares me sometimes that I’ve gotten to a point in my life where I am so causal with the idea of being the conductor of my own death march.
But it’s so much better than being sad for me. Sadness turns into this depressive miasma like out of InuYasha, where I feel like the more I try to get rid of it, the more it just rots me from the inside. There have been times as recently as a month ago where I could barely get out of bed to go to the bathroom—where the only thing that kept me going was listening to murder podcasts or The Read, revenge thoughts, and working this amazing job.
I have been on the floor, crying, saying that no one loved me and that I was totally alone. I cried and I cried until I physically had to stop, but then I started to fight back a little bit. I told myself those thoughts weren’t true. I would write out the empirical evidence that I had goodness in my life. I remembered the breathing techniques and turned on Sailor Moon to try to take myself back to my equilibrium. I realized that the best thing for me in moments of overwhelming sadness was to cry-rap to hardcore DMX, Lil’Kim, and Megan Thee Stallion songs. (I call it Sad Thugs-n-Harmony, please share and pass.)
At 27 years old, I have come to terms with the fact that I’m always going to be this way. I’m probably always going to struggle with depression. I’m probably always going to struggle with suicidal ideation. But, I’m also still here. I have learned to cope better, and I’m growing. I don’t beat myself up for being in a depressive episode; I figure out how to self soothe. Learning to take care of myself has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do because I am super comfortable with not caring about myself.
I wanted to share this because today is a good day. I feel okay. I have a nice eye makeup. The weather is good, and I’m here. Tomorrow could be a bad day, but that’s okay. I can share. I can tell someone out there that it’s okay that you are hurting and that people do care. The hardest thing is to accept that people care, that you aren’t a burden, that you have value.
We all have value, and we are allowed to have pain, we just also need to learn to take care of ourselves and surround ourselves with people who will help and support us. There is help out there, and even if you are scared now, it’ll get less scary one day. It took me two suicide attempts and a panic attack to get help, to start the work, and I was 24.
For those looking for information, the Suicide Prevention Hotline site is a good resource.
Thank you for listening, and I hope that anyone who needed it, could find this today. Also, I have a staple “coping song,” and it’s Breaking the Habit by Linkin Park because … I’m 27.
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