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Things Mike Pence Reminded Me of at the RNC

I want to compare Mike Pence to a demon but that is maybe too mean to demons?

Close up on Mike Pence's consternated face.

The Republican National Convention is still happening. I know, I’ve been trying to actively ignore it also. But last night, Mike Pence, a jar of mayo that was brought to life by an evil scientist, took to the stage to ramble on and on for nearly 40 minutes about how America needs a president right now. As if he doesn’t … work with the man largely responsible for all the tragedy and unrest happening in our country. As if he hasn’t actively colluded with Trump’s crimes and helped shelter him with his sycophancy.

Sorry to do this to you all but here is Mike Pence’s summoning—er, I mean “speech.”

You’ll notice very few face masks because this administration doesn’t care if Americans live or die from the pandemic and they’ve made that abundantly clear. (180,000 dead and counting.) But you’ll also notice that Mike Pence is a demon/robot/clay hybrid. So, let’s talk about some of the things that Pence’s speech made me think he was.

A man made of clay.

Now, I’ll be honest, I only made it 4 minutes into this speech before I started to literally tear out my own hair but that comes from watching clay speak. Talking clay is about as interesting as watching paint dry, and that’s two ways of describing Mike Pence.

And clay would definitely work for the cigarette industry and lie about a vaccine. Clay has no morals, just like Mike Pence.

A thumb.

I don’t know what it is about Republican men but many of them have a striking resemblance to thumbs. Is that a pre-requisite for the Republican party?

A robot on the fritz.

Maybe it’s because I have been binge-watching Parks and Recreation again and just watched the episode where the candidate Ben Wyatt is working for is basically a robot, but I feel like Mike Pence is that but if the robot was evil. Think the evil T-800s that Skynet created in The Terminator, but with less charisma.

Do you hear the robot nature of his voice? He’s on the fritz, someone got his wires crossed, and he’s just repeating nonsense. Maybe put Mike Pence in a bowl of rice so he can reset.

A piece of bread.

Bread can be great, but bread can also be bland and uninspiring. Mike Pence is the blandest piece of bland bread. No, you know what? He’s the end pieces of a loaf of bread that no one likes. If you like them, I straight up do not trust you.

A literal demon.

This isn’t a new thought. I just generally think that he’s a creature of fell darkness because he’s pushing his purely demonic ideals on people and smiling as he does it. But in saying that, I think I’m being too harsh on demons. Mike Pence is worse than a demon, because demons can be pretty cool, all things considered. Demons don’t say that being gay is “learned behavior” and grow uncomfortable when a woman is in the room who isn’t their wife.

I mean, what kind of Voldemort light would say that this moment in time is an example of American greatness? Especially since he went on to talk about the kind of president America needs right now, as if Donald J. Trump is not the f**king president.

So call up Sam and Dean Winchester to come and get this piece of possessed white bread, because I’m tired of him being in charge of anything. Mike Pence is like if one of those Flat Stanley dolls started to try and run for office—only Stanley had style.

(image: Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images)

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Rachel is an I, Tonya stan who used to have a poster of Frank Sinatra on her wall as a kid. She loves superheroes, weird musicals, and wants Robert Downey Jr. to release a new album. She is Leslie Knope and she's okay with that. At least she gets to live in New York City though!