Oregon woman says date told her to dress ‘comfortable’ for first date. Then she sees where he brought her. Was it a ‘humiliation ritual’?
A first date already comes with a lot of pressure. You’re meeting a stranger, trying to read their tone in real time, and figuring out whether the situation even feels safe.
Add confusing gender norms around dating, and things can go sideways.
That’s what one Oregon woman says happened during a first date she had been looking forward to, until it ended almost as soon as it began.
In a TikTok video that’s now gotten more than 820,500 views, creator Rachel Anderson (@rachelanderson471) says her date set her up to feel embarrassed from the moment she walked in. Sitting in her car, she recounts the experience and explains why she left within minutes.
He Told Her To Dress ‘Comfortable’ For First Date
Rachel says the date started with what she thought was a harmless request.
“I was told that it was a surprise to wear something comfortable,” she explains. When she asked what that meant, she says the man told her to treat it like a “lounge day at home.”
So that’s exactly what she did. “I throw on some sweatpants and an NBC sweatshirt, some tennis shoes, my hair in a bun, no jewelry, no nothing,” she says.
Nothing about the instructions suggested a dressy night out. That’s why what happened next immediately set off alarms.
Then She Sees The Restaurant
Rachel says her date tried to walk her straight into a fine dining restaurant.
“Why does this man try to walk me into a fine dining restaurant?” she asks.
The moment she realized what was happening, she didn’t hesitate.
“I immediately know,” she says. “I turned around and walked out.”
For her, the issue wasn’t just the mismatch in outfits. It was the intent behind it.
“As soon as you meet me, you want to level the playing field by humbling and or embarrassing me,” she says, “by bringing me out to a place where you know that I am underdressed?”
She makes it clear she didn’t see it as a misunderstanding.
“Absolutely not,” she says.
Instead of staying to talk it out, she left, grabbed herself some fast food, and sat in her car processing what had just happened.
Why She Didn’t Ask For An Explanation
Rachel contrasts how she handled the situation now versus how she would have in the past.
“Old me would have tried to figure out why,” she says. “I would have messaged him.”
She imagines herself asking why he embarrassed her or giving him space to explain. This time, she didn’t.
“Immediately blocked,” she says. “You showed me who you were. You don’t have to show me twice.”
She ends the video with a firm boundary: “You will never, ever have the opportunity to try to humble me again.”
Was This A ‘Humiliation Ritual’?
While this doesn’t seem to be a widespread dating tactic, commenters quickly put a name to what they thought was happening. Many framed it as a power move designed to throw her off balance.
“Ladies, this is leaving at the first red flag,” one person wrote.
Others said they recognized the setup immediately. “And he would have said, ‘It’s a joke! Can’t you take a joke?’ trying to turn it around on you,” another commented.
“Humiliation is NOT a dating technique,” one person said.
Others focused less on the man and more on Rachel’s response. “The immediate block instead of questioning or analyzing his behavior is SUCH growth!!” one commenter wrote.
Some shared their own experiences that felt eerily similar. One woman recalled being told a date involved hot dogs, only to be taken to a high-end whiskey bar that happened to serve a gourmet hot dog. “He knew I’d be humiliated,” she wrote.
The Mary Sue has reached out to Rachel via TikTok messages for details on her experience.
@rachelanderson471 ♬ original sound – Rachel Anders?n
Other First Date Red Flags to Watch Out For
In a Psychology Today article, psychologist Roxy Zarrabi, Psy.D., explains that early red flags often show up as small power plays. That can include ignoring boundaries, dodging reasonable questions, or setting someone up to feel uncomfortable and then brushing it off as a joke.
Zarrabi also points out that people who frame embarrassment as harmless or call an ex “crazy” often avoid taking responsibility for their own behavior. In dating, those moments tend to surface early. When someone chooses to put a date in an uncomfortable position and sees how they react, that’s usually the information they’re testing for.
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