Over the weekend, you probably heard that J.K. Rowling and fierce competitor for Twitter’s nonexistent Biggest Blowhard Narcissist Award Piers Morgan got into a pretty spectacular feud online. It started when comedian Jim Jeffries told Morgan to “fuck off” on Real Time With Bill Maher after Morgan denied the existence of a Muslim ban, and the internet–Rowling included–let out a collective round of applause.
Yes, watching Piers Morgan being told to fuck off on live TV is *exactly* as satisfying as I’d always imagined. https://t.co/4FII8sYmIt
— J.K. Rowling (@jk_rowling) February 11, 2017
The two went back and forth for a while, with Morgan’s best insult being that Rowling writes books for children and therefore isn’t worth being taken seriously, while Rowling did that thing she does so well: effortless evisceration.
#StillHurts pic.twitter.com/28rUHy2McC
— J.K. Rowling (@jk_rowling) February 11, 2017
But you didn’t really think that would be the end of this battle, did you? Did you think either of these two could just back away quietly?
Nope, they’re still at it.
First, this bookstore decided Morgan should read the Harry Potter books (which he keeps saying he hasn’t, despite constantly quoting from them), so they’ve been reading them to him, one tweet at a time.
.@piersmorgan Mr. and Mrs. Dursley, of number four, Privet Drive, were proud to say
that they were perfectly normal, thank you very much.— Big Green Bookshop (@Biggreenbooks) February 11, 2017
That started on Saturday. As of writing this, they’re 545 tweets in.
.@piersmorgan a brown envelope that looked like a bill, and… 545/32567
Do you want to try and guess what the third thing was Piers?
— Big Green Bookshop (@Biggreenbooks) February 15, 2017
And yes, it is a real person tweeting, with an undeniably valid reason for doing so.
Hi. Just so you know, i’m not a computer program. It’s me typing stuff. Piers Morgan is a twat. JK Rowling is incredible. I shall continue.
— Big Green Bookshop (@Biggreenbooks) February 11, 2017
Things took a really fantastic turn when Piers’ son, Spencer Morgan peeked in to the argument.
Well this is awkward @piersmorgan @jk_rowling pic.twitter.com/OHhkj8TWlM
— Spencer Morgan (@spencermorgan93) February 11, 2017
Yes, Morgan’s son is a Harry Potter fan. A big one. Deathly Hallows tattoo levels of fandom.
— Spencer Morgan (@spencermorgan93) February 13, 2017
This really isn’t very helpful, @spencermorgan93…. https://t.co/wN7UWCSauj
— Piers Morgan (@piersmorgan) February 15, 2017
The best tweet of all, though, came in the form of this Valentine’s gift from Rowling, to all of us.
Just been sent this! Could the writer let me know who he is? I’d love to thank him! #Valentines pic.twitter.com/OQtbxPD6AL
— J.K. Rowling (@jk_rowling) February 14, 2017
Morgan responded with a weak attempt at a takedown, of course.
Priceless #humblebrag BS. Nobody plays the celebrity game more abusively or ruthlessly than you, Ms ‘Intensely Private Billionaire’. https://t.co/5ysnfefa3d
— Piers Morgan (@piersmorgan) February 14, 2017
The thing is that that “humblebrag” is actually a beautiful, perfect, shade-filled subtweet.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. He doesn’t realise. This is the best day of my life. pic.twitter.com/fl0lFPHXf5
— Jamie Ross (@JamieRoss7) February 14, 2017
Because the writer who penned that praise of Rowling is Piers Morgan himself, from a 2010 Daily Mail list titled “The 100 British Celebrities Who Really Matter.”
Morgan, of course, said he got the joke, but the internet doesn’t really seem to be buying it.
Of course… pic.twitter.com/uCd19saX35
— Jamie Ross (@JamieRoss7) February 14, 2017
A reminder to the entitled internet jerks: don’t take on J.K. Rowling. You will not win.
(image via Warner Bros.)
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