New York woman says she has a ‘healthy’ relationship. Then she decides to leave him anyway: ‘Let’s normalize leaving healthy relationships’
At the moment, adults are in something of a “dating recession.”
In a survey by the Institute of Family Studies, just 1 in 3 young adults reported they were actively dating. Additionally, just half of these respondents expressed an interest in a relationship. Clearly, given that modern dating is a cesspit, good relationships are hard to find. But is that enough to make people stay? For TikToker Chloe Van Berkel (@chloevanberkel), it shouldn’t be.
In her viral TikTok, which has amassed 17,400 views, Berkel insisted that it’s “time we start leaving healthy relationships.”
The problem with ‘healthy relationships’
“I feel like dating has become so far gone that people have gotten to the point where just simply being in a relationship that is healthy and you’re not being treated like [expletive] is the only thing you need and that is a reason to stay completely in a relationship,” she said.
She went on to explain that people tend to put healthy relationships on this “insane pedestal.” They assume that it is a good enough reason to stay. In reality, a healthy relationship should just be the “bare minimum.”
According to Van Berkel, this is especially common among women because “men suck.” So, based on a healthy relationship alone, she argues that a lot of women tend to “settle.”
So why leave?
“But there’s so much more to a relationship than it just being a healthy relationship,” she insisted. “And as someone who has been in this situation, I’ve realized that it is so important to go with your gut and know that it is not just a reason to stay and stay longer than you should, because you don’t want to give up the chance of finding another healthy relationship.”
She continued, “Because I promise you, you will. But you’re not going to allow yourself to find your person if you’re staying with someone who isn’t your person just because, you know, they’re good to you.”
She added that “the crappier that men become,” the more women think good guys don’t exist. Because of this, they think a guy being good is reason enough to stay.
However, Van Berkel says that this isn’t enough. Instead, she implores viewers to trust their gut and to “normalize leaving those situations and knowing that it’s OK.”
Van Berkel didn’t immediately respond to The Mary Sue’s request for comment via TikTok comment and email.
@chloevanberkel a hot take conversation about dating that is WAY overdue ?? #datingadvice #dating #relationships #hottake @Saie @Clinique @REFY @Typology Paris @rhode skin ♬ original sound – Chloe Van Berkel
Commenters were split
In the comments, viewers were divided over Van Berkel’s take.
Of those who agreed, one admitted, “I was so heavily criticized for doing this. Nobody gets it.”
While another said, “The most picky thing in your life should be who you choose to spend the rest of your life with. If that means leaving a healthy relationship, so be it. HOWEVER, it’s important to not be an a– to the person you are leaving be empathetic.”
However, there were also those with more nuanced opinions
“Perfect relationships aren’t found, they’re made,” a third wrote. “Being with someone because they are good is and can be a reason to stay. But feeling like the alignment is off can be a reason to leave too. Really, at the end of the day the spark does fade with time unless you’re actively doing things to keep it alive. This is natural and normal.”
More arguments against leaving
Similarly, a fourth said, “The honeymoon phase is always great, but I think what happens after is you realize that this person is your BEST friend. That is what makes them your life partner. The romantic spark is going to be up and down, so if they aren’t your best friend, the relationship will fail.”
While a fifth added, “Absolutely disagree. Naturally your family you don’t have a spark for anymore, like when you were a little girl. People being around us so often literally is the brains understanding they will always be there. People need to realize leaving people isn’t the answer to a better life. Find joy within your own life and do enjoyable things. If you don’t find the person attractive and etc you absolutely don’t have a healthy relationship.”
How do you know if you’re settling?
According to Self, there are six signs that you might be settling in a relationship. These include feeling more like roommates than a couple, caring more about your idealized timeline than the person, leaving feels like the scarier option, you’re “clinging” to the person they might become rather than the person they are, you’re “compromising” on dealbreakers, and can’t stop yourself from wondering about the “what ifs.”
“If you truly believe you deserve better than what you’re getting, you don’t want to waste any more time with someone who isn’t a fit,” relationships expert Anita Chlipala told the outlet.
Consequently, it looks like there’s a degree of truth in what Van Berkel is saying.
What did the TikToker say?
In an email exchange with The Mary Sue, Van Berkel shared that she was inspired to make this video. This is after having been in situations where she stayed in relationships longer than she “should have.” All because they were “healthy.”
“There is often a lot of online shame associated with leaving a healthy relationship, with critics suggesting it stems from being ‘lazy’ or avoiding the work,” she said. “However, I believe your genuine feelings and whether or not you truly love your partner must come first.”
She went on to note how, in her opinion, settling had become common because “many of us worry that if we leave a partner who treats us well, we might not find that again—even if we know deep down they aren’t ‘our person.’”
“We see how toxic some relationships can be and mistakenly think that being treated with respect should be enough to feel fulfilled, but that isn’t always the case,” she added.
Normalize leaving
According to Van Berkel, we should normalize breaking off healthy relationships. This is because “it is important to distinguish between a healthy relationship where you were truly in love but the spark has faded, versus a healthy relationship where that connection never existed in the first place.”
As for the video’s reception, she described it as “mixed.”
“Some viewers understood that I am not suggesting people leave a relationship just because they are bored,” she noted. “Others interpreted it as an excuse to avoid the work required to maintain a healthy relationship with someone you love, which was not my intention at all.”
As for what she wants viewers to take away from this video, Van Berkel said, “I want people to realize there is no shame in leaving a relationship that doesn’t feel fulfilling. You shouldn’t let a ‘good’ relationship prevent you from finding the right person if you know you aren’t truly in love with your current partner.”
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