‘I really need an outsider’s opinion’: Kansas mom decides to re-enter the dating pool. But she wants to know if she has too much baggage
Dating can be tricky, especially if you are re-entering the pool after a few years. One Kansas mother is returning to the dating scene, but she does not even know how to start. Gougha4 (@gougha4) has many questions about what the dating scene looks like. For one, is the dating pool actually getting smaller? And is it even worth trying?
So, the mother created a TikTok to ask those very questions, posting a video on Jan. 14 that has already gotten 29,000 views. In it, she asked whether the variables and factors in her life were worth navigating because, despite her hesitations, she “needs to get out of the house,” at least according to her close family members.
Why didn’t she want to date before?
Gougha4 cited a recent trauma as one of the reasons she was scared to hop back into the dating pool.
“ One of the reasons why I haven’t dated is because my oldest son passed away,” she said. “ Some days are harder than others, like today. Um, and I don’t feel like it’s fair for somebody. I’d been doing pretty good on the telephone today.”
She continued, “It’s just stirring up some emotions that I’m having a hard time handling. I’ve kind of circled back around to where I feel like maybe I’m an idiot for thinking that I can start dating again.”
Her biggest worry was that the baggage, having good days and then bad days, would be too much for a partner to handle or hold onto.
Despite this, her youngest son has been encouraging her to try putting herself out there more often.
Did her dating pool really shrink due to her location?
One of the reasons Gougha4 was concerned about the dating pool is that she lives in a small town with very few options. Any match she would make on a dating app would be “two hours away,” according to her video, which would effectively make any match a long-distance relationship. With that in mind, Gougha4 implied that her dating pool might be too small, considering her “baggage,” the town she lives in, and the fact that she is entering the dating pool now.
Many people say that the dating pool shrinks over time, with viable options getting swept up into blissful marriages while singles get stuck looking for perfect fits that “no longer exist.” That, alongside living in a more rural area, can lower the number of people in any given area who are single, viable, and secure.
But it’s still possible for her to find love within her town. Most people who live in more rural areas find people through real-life connections or by visiting cities near their town to find viable options.
There are lots of people who are willing to make more lengthy drives to meet up with potential partners, with distance being less of a deterrent as long as both parties are willing to drive the distance and make things work.
Commenters on one Reddit thread recommended finding local events, making friends, and going out regularly before relying on apps or websites. Friends of friends oftentimes can help connect singles to one another in small areas.
Redditors even recommended dive bars as a spot to make friends and develop community. It makes developing a crowd significantly easier, which then makes “dating referrals” a little bit easier.
Commenters encourage the mother
Many commenters had words of wisdom for Gougha4, telling her not to lose hope in today’s dating market. Commenters mainly had advice for her when it comes to navigating her grief in a burgeoning relationship, which was one of her main concerns.
“A healed, secure man will have the capacity to hold space for you and your grief. Not every man can do that,” one viewer said. “I know grief is impossibly hard to work through. The right person could help you co-create a future that integrates that grief, it’s just not going to be the norm I don’t think? Praying healing and peace for you. Such an impossible loss.”
Another commenter pointed out their advice for the single woman, asking her to look inward and determine whether she was ready for a connection. “Springfield, MO here – the question of whether your baggage is too much really depends on you,” they added. “A good person is going to accept you with everything that comes with you. Whether it’s a series of bad decisions that we’ve made or unimaginable grief, such as yours. The key, though, is what are you doing with that grief and what are you doing to help yourself. And this is absolutely not about ‘moving on’. It’s about learning how to be the best version of ourselves given everything that is on our plate.”
Overall, viewers recommended that the woman “heal herself first” and take the time she needs. Community and love can still be waiting for her at any age, even if she decides to wait longer to try again.
@gougha4 Feeling brave…might delete later…??♀️
♬ original sound – gougha4
The Mary Sue reached out to Gougha4 for comment. We’ll let you know if she responds.
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