Ethan Hawke Reminds Us the Kind of King He Is: “But I Don’t Eat Food”
Finger sandwiches? Spinach dip? Taco Bell? What is Ethan Hawke eating in bed? The internet wants to know. According to a X post from Complex, Hawke was asked for his opinion on eating in bed. The star’s witty response: ““Is it bad to eat in bed? The question is, to eat what?… I like to eat in bed. But I don’t eat food.”
Feeding the obvious innuendo, the internet has collectively decided to play dumb. “What does he like to eat in bed if it’s not food?? Nobody knows what he’s talking about. Pics might help explain,” says one user, apparently thirsting for visual documentation of Hawke’s late-night snacking habits.
In lieu of pictures, another user provided an answer: “He chews on lava rocks. Porous and tons of minerals for the body.” I don’t know what minerals they’re talking about, but it’s pretty clear that Hawke himself claims to have a diet rich in Vitamin V. Maybe A too, who knows.
“Heh, sex? yeah, I have sex. with women, that is,” writes another user, with a healthy dose of sarcasm. Not everyone in the comments was jazzed by Hawke’s public attestations of his sexual health. “Kinda creepy thing to say for a senior,” says another user, apparently ignorant of the fact that seniors are some of society’s randiest citizens. Retirement homes are infamous for being sexual hotbeds, and the rate of STIs among people over 65+ has more than doubled in the last decade. Older people are getting it on, and according to Hawke, they’re proud of the fact — as they should be.
While Hawke’s quote had its detractors, the rest of the internet was enamoured. “Being serious if the opera quote somehow had an impact on Timothee’s chances of winning the Oscar this quote should automatically make Ethan Hawke win,” writes another user, referencing the backlash actor Timothée Chalamet faced after declaring that “no one cares” about ballet and opera. While Timothée’s take gave the internet (and possibly The Academy) the collective ick, Hawke’s quote will have the opposite effect on his Oscar chances. If that’s the case, the internet should prepare for a firestorm of Hollywood sex confessions — any celebrity PR team worth their salt will see the career-boosting benefit.
“I knew my subconscious was onto something when I had a sex dream about him the other night,” writes a user who was prophetically down for Hawke, apparently predicting the actor’s public penchant for it. “Give him the Oscar,” wrote another.
Aside from a few haters, the internet embraced Hawke’s confession with open arms (and legs). However, some pointed out that there’s one person who might not be thrilled to hear about Ethan Hawke’s sex life: his daughter, Maya. One user posted a picture of a terrified SpongeBob eyeballing a filthy hallway with the caption “Maya Hawke opening Twitter.” Sorry, Maya. You might want to avert your eyes from the internet for a while. Your father may be eager to share the dirty details of his bedroom practices, but that doesn’t mean that you have to listen.
(featured image: Sony Pictures Classics)
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