Candace Cameron Bure Is Hollywood’s “Good Girl.” Now She’s Trying to Justify Going to a NSFW Party
Like Frank Cotton after completing the Cenobite puzzle box in Hellraiser, Candace Cameron Bure apparently saw some NSFW agonies and ecstasies beyond mortal comprehension. Mind-bending sights of sadomasochism that cannot be unseen, sordid depravities that would make the cult of Eyes Wide Shut clutch their clandestine pearls in horror. And hey, that’s totally fine! No one is yucking anyone’s yum here. One man’s trash is another man’s pleasure, if you know what I mean.
On an episode of The Candace Cameron Bure Podcast, the former Full House star recounted the moment where she went to a “dark and demonic” party where adults were doing some NSFW things together! Cover your virgin eyes and ears, because the rest of this account is seriously risque. According to Bure, people were doing “S&M” stuff at the party.
“My eyeballs were popping out of my head,” she said. “I saw stuff I had never seen before in my life.” What kind of stuff? Only the most depraved, dirty and down-bad things. Stuff like kissing and touching, maybe someone was wearing latex. You know, the stuff that balloons are made out of? Only, get this, it wasn’t anyone’s birthday party.
Bure couldn’t handle the horror. She and her husband “made a hard U-turn” high-tailed it out of there. It was “slimy” she said, maybe because someone was using lube! Eek! Bure swears that she and her husband hadn’t intended on going to a party where people were having Close Encounters of the Premarital Kind, but were unwittingly taken there by a friend. “We’re going to pause before we ever say yes to going out with that friend again.” The identity of that friend? The way Bure tells it, it sounds like Satan the Prince of Darkness himself.
Adults? Having sex? Behind closed doors? Inconcievable
Candace Bure is a devout Christian, and shared some of the beliefs that shaped her current worldview in an earlier podcast episode. As an adolescent, Bure says she was disturbed by the idea of God watching her while she was having sex. As an adult, the idea of a voyeuristic divinity doesn’t bother her anymore. ” I don’t want to think about God watching me have sex, ” she says, “but I’m very comfortable in that sense.” To paraphrase poet Robert Browning, God is in His cuck chair, all’s right in the world.
This isn’t the first time Bure’s conservative Christian viewpoints have made headlines. In another podcast episode, Cameron confessed her belief that scary movies and video games can open a spiritual “portal” into a person’s home, and she doesn’t feel comfortable with that kind of “demonic” media in her house. She also shared her belief that cans of the water brand Liquid Death are “literally being cursed” before they’re distributed to the masses.
While sex parties might not be Bure’s cup of communion wine, calling them to be “demonic” isn’t quite a Christian thing to do. After all, Jesus said “judge not, lest ye be judged” in Matthew 7:1-5. As for dealing with what she saw at the premarital gathering, Jesus has a solution for that too: “if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out.” But honestly, the only sin here was committed by Bure’s friend, who thought it was a good idea to bring conservative Christians to a sex party — way to kill the vibe for everyone else.
(featured image: Netflix)
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