I sentence you to 365 days in HORNY JAIL *bangs gavel*
Don’t worry, it’s not nearly as bad as real jail. Especially not the jail whereTrump and his minions were booked. In fact, it’s not really “jai” at all. It’s more of a sleepaway camp for the sexually active. Like college. Or a company retreat. Or just regular sleep away camp. Whatever. It’s a place for you to go and work out your rampant feelings of horniness. Horniness that is so powerful that it caused you to seek out a film series with an absolutely nonsensical plot just because it features steamy scenes of simulated sex. Seriously graphic scenes. The 365 Days movies are literally just a camera angle away from actual porn. Honestly I think that shooting this movie as a porno would have been EASIER on those poor cinematographers, who had to get REAL CREATIVE in order to avoid accidentally catching some genitals in the lens.
And what will you be doing in horny jail, you ask? We believe that the best method for ridding someone of their cinema horniness is exposure therapy. In accordance with our health and wellness practices, we will be exposing you to the 365 Days trilogy every day for 365 days. That way you’ll be so sick of watching these actors play out their simulated doink-fest that maybe you’ll attempt to orchestrate a real one in the real world with a real mob boss of your own.
365 Days (2020)
To start of the trilogy, we have the original 365 Days, which was released when the entire world was confined the horny jails of our bedrooms during the Covid-19 pandemic. Thankfully, the Polish film industry had the answer to our collective confinement and subsequent horniness: the story of a hot-but-relatable businesswoman and her steamy affair with a member of an organized crime family. After traveling to Sicily for her birthday, Laura Biel is captured by Massimo, the hottest member of the Sicilian mob. But don’t worry! He’s part of the good Sicilian mob! They only murder people offscreen! And those guys probably deserve it! Massimo confesses to Laura that he has been searching for her after she was present at his father’s death scene. Is it contrived? Yes. Is it sexy? Also yes. Nobody watches porn for the plot baby! Massimo tells Laura that he believes they are destined for each other, and decides to prove that point by kidnapping her in the hopes that she will fall in love with him over a year. He’s really sexy, so this violation of her freedom and consent boundaries is totally cool. He even promises not to touch her without her consent! What a gentleman! Cue a montage of sex scenes in luxurious places. At the end of the film Laura’s Stockholm Syndrome gets the best of her, and she and Massimo bang. But wait! For plot reasons, Laura’s life is hinted to be in danger at the end of the film… sounds like the perfect setup for sloppy seconds – I mean – a sequel.
365 Days: This Day (2022)
365 Days: This Day begins with Laura and Massimo’s decision to stop “living in sin” as my Catholic mother would say and get married. But there’s a conundrum! Laura is still grieving after she lost her baby during the end of the first film, where a rival mob attempted to kill her in order to take a shot at Massimo. The baby ended up taking the proverbial (or literal) bullet, leaving Laura free to engage in more sexual escapades without having to fret about the rising price of childcare services. Unfortunately for Laura, married life with Massimo is not nearly as sexy as unmarried life with Massimo, and she begins fantasizing about escape. Luckily, Massimo’s gardener Nacho is a total babe, and the pair run away together to a sexy island after Laura catches Massimo hooking up with his ex girlfriend. Realizing his mistake, Massimo begins to Massimp for Laura once more, and chases after her and Nacho. Things get even more complicated when Nacho admits that he is ALSO part of a crime family. Things get even MORE complicated when Massimo’s EVIL TWIN BROTHER (you can’t make this up) show up and kidnaps Laura AGAIN. Remember how Massimo was hooking up with his ex at the party? THAT WASN’T MASSIMO. THAT WAS HIS EVIL TWIN ADRIANO. Thankfully Nacho and Massimo are able to put aside their differences just long enough to riddle Adriano with lead – but not before Adriano puts a bullet in Laura. The film ends with a similar cliffhanger as the first one. What’s gonna happen Laura?
The Next 365 Days (2022)
Nothing. Nothing happens to Laura. All she needed was a little rest and relaxation in the hospital. And some dick. Going against doctor’s orders, Laura and Massimo bang during one of his many “business meetings”. Laura contemplates her plot armor – I mean – miraculous survival, and decides that she’s is going to make the best of her new lease on life by avoiding messy bulls*t. Psyche. Nacho gives her a call and suddenly she can’t stop thinking about the guy. Massimo and Laura’s marriage shipwrecks once more due to Massimo’s jealousy towards his rival, leading Laura to hook up with Nacho while at a fashion show for her inexplicably successful clothing brand. Massimo confronts Laura about her time spend with Nacho, leading Laura to threaten him with divorce even though she’s the one who cheated. Laura then returns to Poland to visit her family??? Because plot? Eventually Laura returns to Sicily after having some horny dreams about a threesome with two dudes and meets up with Nacho in disguise. Yes, disguise. After Nacho professes his love and promises to wait for her, Laura then meets Massimo on the beach. Massimo tells her that he will be patient with her, as has father taught him to not ever try to force love, as if he didn’t spend THE ENTIRE FIRST MOVIE DOING EXACTLY THAT!? Massimo asks Laura who she wants to be with. She says nothing. Credits.
I guess we’ll find out in the fourth movie. Or the fifth. Or however long it takes until these films stop making money… which may be a very long time. Your honey jail stay could be indefinite.
(Featured Image: Netflix)
