Chili’s server waits on married couple. Then she pulls out a tactic to make sure they know she’s a ‘girls’ girl’: ‘I’m insecure but not this insecure’

One thing about being a server? It’s a treat to be able to have a rapport with your customers.

Of course, having regulars is one thing—that’s an extra-special relationship cherished by service workers everywhere. But every now and then, it’s great to have fun with newer customers too. And one way to do that is to communicate that you have their back immediately.

Enter Jay Santiago (@jayysantiago), a Chili’s server who’s gone viral for that very reason. Here’s why Jay’s taking off on TikTok.

What does this Chili’s server do with married couples?

In a video first posted on Feb. 10 that has since gotten over 6 million views, Santiago shows us a mock scenario. In it, she approaches a table to wait on what is clearly a couple. Santiago captioned the video, “When a couple sits down & you want to be clear you’re a married girl’s girl not trying to hit on her man.”

In this sketch-like video, Santiago focuses nearly all her attention on the off-camera woman at the table, addressing the man tersely and only when absolutely necessary. The contrast is made clear when the woman asks Santiago for a Dr. Pepper.

“Oh, of course, queen!” Santiago gushes. “That is literally the best option we have! Great choice!”

Then, her smile dropping, she brusquely asks the man, “And for yourself, sir?” before turning back to the woman, beaming, and continuing to ask her questions.

This same style of back-and-forth continues for a couple of rounds before the video ends. Crucially, Santiago’s video isn’t coming out of nowhere—and other servers know it.

Why do waitresses have to focus on female customers?

Jealousy in relationships is a well-documented phenomenon—so much so that there are entire psychology blogs advising folks on how to navigate that jealousy. It’s no wonder, then, that waitresses often end up as targets for that jealousy.

In the r/Waiters subreddit, a befuddled customer asked why “female waiters always focus on the woman.” One self-identified female server explained she is “sometimes wary of talking too much to the man at the table for fear that the woman would have an issue with it,” and that the last thing she wants is “a girl accusing [the server] of flirting with her man while all [she’s] doing is [her] job.”

This has actually become such a problem that a server blog The [Expletive] Waiter has an entire article addressing women who take out their insecurity on waitresses in this way. The writer assures female customers everywhere, “Your waitress is not trying to steal your boyfriend.”

Fellow servers in Santiago’s comments section commiserated with her. They immediately understood her impulse to transparently adhere to this type of girl code.

“It’s sad that we even have to do this lol,” one woman commented.

“I hated having to do this!!” wrote another. “Like please I’m just a customer service worker.. it’s my job to be nice. I’m married and would never assume a waitress was flirting with my husband for just being nice. Honestly I wouldn’t even care if someone flirted with him tbh lol.”

Customers also extended their sympathy to Santiago’s plight, mourning that some customers are actually “this insecure.”

“I feel so bad when waiters look at me and won’t look at him,” one viewer wrote. “I just wonder what the waiter been through.”

@jayysantiago #chilis #serverlife #server ♬ original sound – jayysantiago

What is girl code? Being a girls’ girl, explained

“Girl code” and its male version, “boy code,” are not new concepts. The idea of prioritizing sisterhood or brotherhood, instead of favoring a romantic attachment, has been referenced in pop culture for ages. The phrase “being a girls’ girl,” however, is relatively new.

Often used in opposition to being a “pick me girl,” or a woman who prioritizes male attention over female solidarity, a girls’ girl is a woman who makes it her mission to put other women first. The term first started going viral on TikTok in 2023. Being a girls’ girl in a patriarchal world has become almost a badge of honor.

Santiago’s TikTok video is an example of making women at Chili’s feel extra comfortable in the knowledge that they’re being taken care of by someone who has their best interests in mind. A shame that it’s necessary, but ultimately a win for the girls.

The Mary Sue has reached out to Chili’s via email and Santiago via TikTok comment and direct message.

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