Chris Hemsworth, Chris Pratt, Chris Pine, and Chris Evans. The four Chrises of genre fiction movies, including sci-fi, fantasy, and superhero fare. Yes, these are four straight white cis dudes, but they’ve all expressed some level of progressive political thought in their public lives. Always nice to see that.
We want to live in a world where the four Chrises are best friends, and also where they are our best friends (… or maybe something more than just friends, but we swear, that’s not the only reason we wrote this).
But which of the four Chrises would we choose as our BFF and/or BF? Far more importantly, if these four Chrises appeared in a Mean Girls reboot, which role would each Chris play???
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CHRIS HEMSWORTH
Mean Girl: Cady, since he’s the lovable foreigner
The Upsides: Chris Hemsworth might be be built like a brick shithouse (thanks Tom), but the six-foot-plus Aussie has layers. He can sing, dance, act and possesses the comedic chops to stand alongside Melissa McCarthy, Kate McKinion, Leslie Jones and Kristen Wiig in the Ghostbusters remake. Of all the superhero baes, he’s the most charming.
The Downsides: Even Thor is not above cultural appropriation and this cowboys and indians themed New Years party proves as such. We’d give him the benefit of the doubt were this not also an issue with the aboriginal people from his homeland. He should know better.
Problematic rating: 4/10 failed math quizzes. Pretty bad but still passable.
CHRIS EVANS
Mean Girl: Karen, the lovable doofus
The Upsides: Chris Evans’ boy scout shtick as Captain America isn’t entirely an act; as this famous GQ profile about him back in 2011 showed, he seems like a genuinely kind person who’s been flummoxed by his own meteoric rise to stardom. Plus, he’s spoken up before about his struggles with social anxiety and depression, and how being in the spotlight has been tricky for him.
The Downsides: He’s… kinda clueless. In one interview, Evans got asked whether he’d rather do a “love scene” in a movie with Salma Hayak and Sandra Bullock: “Salma Hayek. Sandy [Sandra Bullock] is more the one you settle down with, set up shop with, take home to your mother. But Salma’s the one you yell, ‘Action!’ and just go to town.” Not a very professional or appropriate answer to the question, Mr. Evans! But we shouldn’t be surprised. The Madonna/Whore complex is strong with this one.
Problematic rating: 3/5 sexy mouse costumes. Slut shaming is not attractive.
CHRIS PRATT
Mean Girl: Gretchen, keeper of secrets and failed slang term ideas
The Upsides: If you think about it, we really don’t know that much about Chris Pratt. That’s why his hair is so big. When he’s not acting, he remains pretty low key aside from the random Twitter outbursts where he occasionally misuses a slang term. Like Retta once said, you fine but ya simple. If he were an ice cream, he’d be vanilla topped with gummy bears. Doesn’t make sense but once you try it, it’s not that bad.
The Downsides: He means well, but sometimes he just doesn’t get it. As his preemptive apology for the offensive things he might say during the Jurassic World press tour proved, saying sorry beforehand doesn’t excuse any racist/sexist/homophoic/etc remarks. Thankfully, he avoided said things but that “apology” still left a slightly sour taste.
Problematic rating: 1/7 fake candy grams. Eh, not so bad.
CHRIS PINE
Mean Girl: Regina, the clever and calculating leader
The Upsides: Rather than resting on his genetically-gifted laurels, Chris Fine-err Pine opted for a diverse resume ranging from The Princess Diaries 2 to Smokin’ Aces to Star Trek to Hell or High Water. Marvel would have had the complete Chris set had Pine not sided with DC and 20th Century Fox by appearing in the upcoming Wonder Woman film alongside Gal Gadot. Besides, what’s not to love about a good looking wordsmith who openly supports the LGBTQIA community, and who can also can sing? Way to stand out from the crowd of basic white men in Hollywood.
The Downsides: He’s not so perfect. Remember that time he pleaded guilty to drunk driving in New Zealand? Unlike the cut out tank tops, this is not a good look and should not be appropriated.
Problematic rating: 9/10 kalteen bars. He’s lucky he didn’t kill someone.
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After reviewing all of the evidence, we’ve concluded that it doesn’t really matter who is the least/most problematic. Everyone has done or said something wrong at some point in their lives. The most important thing is that one learns from such mistakes and moves on. (Well, unless you rape or murder someone because those have permanent repercussions). We cannot truly judge the Chrises based on their public personas, anyway. We would have to meet them in person and become their BFFs for real in order to truly know how they measure up, personality-wise. So, yeah, the next step is for them to call us…maybe?
(images via Wikimedia Commons)
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