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What's with the name?

Allow us to explain.

what is this I don't even

Real Comic Book Superheroes Who’d Be Better In The Sack Than Cosmo’s Fake Ones


We’ve been saving this one for a couple weeks now, ever since it was brought to our attention by a friend who picked up a Cosmo because there was nothing else to do while waiting for a train.  Now, there’s quite a bit of Cosmopolitan to get incensed about, but never before had we seen an editorial foray into something so close to our hearts relevant to our interests. In a single page, Cosmo posits four superheroes who are “focused on a woman’s needs,” including, we shit you not, a guy who is half Edward Cullen and half Jacob Black.

Once I surfaced from my black rage, I decided that the funniest thing about this is that if Cosmo had looked for canonical superheroes who would be good in bed, they would have had an entire list in a couple of minutes. Oh, I’m sorry. Super heroes who are “focused on a woman’s needs.”

Here’s the whole graphic, for your edification (click to embiggen, and remember to read the captions)

I’ll give you a moment. In the meantime, enjoy James‘ (of Geekosystem) reaction to it:

Ab Man would be the most successful businessman of all time. He’d just open up a shop, charge an expensive, but acceptable fee, and shoot abs onto us. I’d probably pay four figures for that, assuming he can give me abs that mesh with my body and skin.

So, Cosmo, there’s no need to make up an absurdly superficial group of superheroes to celebrate all the worst stereotypes of the modern woman.  Did you know that there is an actual canonical Marvel superhero whose power is that he can make people feel pleasure?  Yup, Starfox (not to be confused with the Nintendo character) can “psionically stimulate the pleasure centers in nearby people’s brains,” leaving them open to suggestion and seduction.  Given physical contact and line of sight, he can even cause people to become infatuated with him.

So yes, he’s a walking date-rape drug, and had his psionic powers removed after a series of events that began with him successfully being brought up on rape charges by a woman who had consensual sex with him.  But think of all the sexual experience he’s got! If you can find him in a moment when he’s not mentally and morally altered by a clone of his evil brother who implanted false memories in his head… he’s probably a great lay.

See, even She-Hulk likes him.  When he’s psionically influencing her to.

So, what about a guy with endurace? One who can really go all night.  Sounds like you’re in the market for someone with a healing factor and the Marvel universe, again, has you covered.  You’ve got Wolverine, currently embodied by the renaissance performer Hugh Jackman; Luke Cage, the superhero that Isaiah Mustafa is practically begging Marvel Entertainment to make a movie about so he can be in it; Namor the Sub-Mariner, if you’re into that Michael Phelps kind of body; and lastly there’s Archangel, whose super powers almost literally include having a awesome bod.

Moving away from the Marvel universe, there’s J’onn J’onnz, the Martian Manhunter.  Bear with us while I explain this one.

  • He’s a psychic.
  • He’s a shapeshifter.

That opens up a lot of possibilities.  Don’t make me spell them out for you.

To sum up, there’s a lot of superhero options out there for you if your only criteria is supernatural sexual competency or attractiveness, if you take a couple minutes to think about it.

Ok, fine.  The obvious ones: Plastic Man, Elongated Man, Mr. Fantastic.

 

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  • Doug R.

    This blog is not funny… you don’t provide any valuable service or insight, you just add another irrelevant stream of unwanted commentary to an internet already bloated with bullshit. As for the “girls rool!” angle, first of all it’s tired, but more importantly it’s too bad that more women don’t recognize that feminism is at the end of its rope, as I suspect the backlash from 3 generations of misandry will be pretty brutal. Women and their enablers have sewn the seeds of female disempowerment.

  • Pure Pandemonium+themarysue

    I think The Mary Sue offers a wonderful service: A space meant for women. Streams of content aimed at men are the default. It’s pretty refreshing to have content aimed at us female geeks that isn’t plastered in pink or thinly veiled sexism. There isn’t going to be a backlash because it has always been the privilege of male writers to ignore half the population, misandrist or not. There are no “seeds of female disempowerment.” Women are nearly voiceless in spaces that purport to be gender neutral, like geek culture. I, for one, welcome our new feminist overlords.

  • http://twitter.com/caitelsa Caitlind Oteiza

    Wow, way to be negative Mr.Doug R. I for one, loved this article. First off, it was written for a women’s point of view, so not sure what you were looking for and I love the author for pointing out that Cosmo, doesn’t have all women figured out. Cosmo’s “superheros” make me want to gag. There are already so many awesome superheros, with depth and personality. Personally, I’d pick on of those before I pick something as retarded as “Ab-Man”. I love this website and I think I’m going to make it my homepage! Keep up the awesome work!

  • http://twitter.com/eruditechick Amanda

    How could you leave The Multiple Man out of this article?! Aside from having more experience than any one human who can’t split himself up into autonomous clones (who go on to be professional Shakespearean actors, Olympic athletes, and Buddhist monks before coming home to Jamie Prime and bringing all their experience with them), Jamie Madrox’s hero name is THE MULTIPLE MAN.

    I mean, if that’s not a promise, I don’t know what is.

  • Anonymous

    Right, because funny or not, it is only a man’s privilege to post bullshit on the internet. Keep on exercising your rights Doug R. Keep that steaming crap you call “ideas” and “opinions” flowing.

  • http://twitter.com/MickieMous MickieMousseau

    Hey Doug, we’ve got as much right to post bullshit on the internet as you do. If you don’t like the opinions stay off the site.

  • Wandell

    Yes, you’re right, the internet is “bloated with bullshit” and your comment proves it. Feminism is by no means at the end of its rope and it will not go away because we need to tell off men like you who claim “misandry” every time a woman comes into power or shows interest in something you, as a man, feel she ought not be.

    You should probably take a look at current events (you know, escape your male [probably white, perhaps Republican] bubble for a minute) and just try and tell me that we’re living in a misandrist society. Just try it.

    I don’t think this is the site for you. Why don’t you go to the rest of the internet and make a home there with the other woman-hating men.

  • Steph

    People think I am strange… but I definitely have had the biggest crush on Martian Manhunter ever since I started reading DC comic books.

  • http://www.whatifbooksetc.com Sylvia Sybil

    The very fact that you feel it is acceptable to come over here and tell us (women) that we’re dumb for talking about ourselves proves the need for this site.

  • Anonymous

    I liked your comment sarcastically, by the way. I know, I’m not funny either, but it doesn’t matter when my way of life, nay, my very existence is at the end of its rope!

  • Anonymous

    Personally, I think casting Chuck as a superhero who listens to your gossip to be the biggest reach, here.

  • Just R.

    Assuming (perhaps wrongly) that “Doug R.” is indeed a male, I think it’s a little bit funny that he’s criticizing this website (which is acting, in my opinion, kind of like Nostalgic Chic as a way of acknowledging and giving voice for geek culture that ISN’T male) as somehow exemplary of women dis-empowerment, while at the same time calling out doom to “women and their enablers”. From what I gather, Doug R. is saying, “It’s the enablers of women that are making women less powerful. Feminism is stupid, it’s running out, and good riddance.” I doubt I’m alone in thinking that those two thoughts are contradictory in the head of one person.

  • stationary

    At first I agreed about the site. Then you accused an unknown group as ‘enabling women’ as if this was a negative thing. Screw you, guy.

  • Aly3ska

    doug r is most likely just a troll. let’s be the bigger ladies and just ignore him.

  • PratchettLover

    Awesome article. Another reason to avoid Cosmopolitan, except when I’m bored waiting for my friend to get ready (and she has a stack of them in her apartment).

  • the_gallifreyan

    feminism is no where near the end of its rope, and there is still a pressing need for awareness of women’s rights and equality, not only in this context but also in north american culture, with the objectification of women and sexualization of young girls, and in cultures in which basic human rights are not granted to women.

    And is part of your problem with this article the idea that women have a sexual identity and drive, and that women want good sex?

  • http://www.whatifbooksetc.com Sylvia Sybil

    I considered ignoring him. But I didn’t want someone else to wander in and think all commenters were as sexist as he is, whether this newbie was a troll who is now encouraged to post or a mature person who is now discouraged from posting. A large group of people shuttting down a troll might not affect the troll, but it might also show other commenters to what standards the community will hold them.

    Of course, how to handle trolls is a long-running, multi-platform argument with no real answer, and “don’t feed the trolls” is a standby of the internet, so your suggestion might work as well.

  • http://twitter.com/Coriana_Hunt Coriana Hunt Swartz

    WOW, thank you for reminding me why I don’t read Cosmo! (Wolfpire? Seriously?)

  • Anonymous

    Call me crazy, but if I had to choose between Ab-Man and a guy you describe as a “walking date-rape drug,” I’m going with Bachelor Number One, please.

  • Nancyroo

    Yay! Me too! I think he has a Mr. Darcy type thing going on.

  • http://twitter.com/bettynerdface Krystal

    Hahaha, love it. I only wish this article were twice as long. :)

  • http://amidstdancers.blogspot.com/ Shard Aerliss

    I think we have a pet troll. Awesome… although I’m sure some admin will come along and tell me not to feed it. They always do. It’s practically animal cruelty to starve them :(

    Ahem.

    Just explain something to me; what exactly do you mean by “Women and their enablers”? What women, what enablers and what are these women being enabled to do and why is it bad?

  • http://amidstdancers.blogspot.com/ Shard Aerliss

    *shakes head at Cosmo* Do or do not, there is no try.

    They couldn’t even make up crappy superheroes using attractive celebrities!

    Looks to me as though Cosmo has actually slipped further down the slope of the godawful women’s mag hill since the last time I read one of their articles. That had actually been a very good article on date rape… eight years ago.

    There’s a female super human (I still can’t refer to her as a hero…) with the ability to stimulate pleasure centres in the brain; the White Queen herself, Emma Frost. I can’t recall if she’s ever actually used them to get someone into bed but she’s perfectly willing and able to use this aspect of her power on people even as an X-man; orgasm as a weapon anyone (New X-men, E is for Extinction).

    Not sure I’d actually want to boink any superheroes; a) you NEVER know when an enemy is going to crash through their wall and b) what if one of their bizarre powers suddenly goes off or they forget how strong/fast they are?

    Imagine explaining the injuries at the hospital while trying to keep your bedroom buddy’s identity a secret… imagine the injuries o.O

    I’ll stick to just petting Beast’s furry bonce while we both sit by the fire reading XD

  • http://www.facebook.com/Animal01 Scott Hutchinson

    Whuzzamatter, Douggie? Found out yer girlfriend has been faking orgasms all this time?

  • Icarus

    This made me smile.

  • Anonymous

    That image must be a joke. I refuse to believe that a magazine marketing itself FOR WOMEN would post something so virulently anti-woman.

  • DS

    DON’T FEED THE TROLL!!! It’ll never go away if it knows it can keep coming back for food.

  • Abby

    There is so much un-commented upon hilariousness in the Cosmo article: Ab-Man’s costume, who the fuck is Trevor Donovan, how creepy Usher looks perving on that couple, the Jacob half of “Wolfpire” is holding a dreamcatcher (wtf), Gossip Guy does not appear to even have a superpower, etc. etc.

  • Shootme

    i think this is funny a bunch of people men and women giving there opinion when no one gives a shit in real life they just like to bash people on the internet

  • http://twitter.com/Menshevixen DH

    Catman is canonically awesome in bed!

  • Anonymous

    In an effort to highlight non “hunky” heroes, Ralph Dibny – aka the Elongated Man – wasn’t just the 2nd best detective in the old DCU – he was also quite … stretchy. His wife seemed to be happy. #justsayin

  • Corrina Lawson

    Somebody forget to check their blood sugar this morning. 

  • Corrina Lawson

    I think no list of superheroes who would be great in bed is complete without Dick Grayson. Gymnast. Flexible. Pays attention. Sexier in costume than 10 other superheroes combined.