You hear that? One of the approximately 48 gazillion “[Insert name here] auditioned for Star Wars!” rumors was actually confirmed to be true. I need to sit down.
We previously heard from rumor-producing factory Latino Review that Saoirse Ronan met with Disney about a role in Star Wars, that Episode VII might have a female villain, and that Benedict Cumberbatch was totally lying when he said he hadn’t been cast. Rumors two and three are still in up in the air, but Ronan told Sky News that she has auditioned for a role in Star Wars, but it’s not a big deal, because “so has everyone.” Asked to elaborate, the actress said The Powers That Be would “chop off her head with a lightsaber” if she said anything else.
Her saying that makes me think of hundreds—nay, thousands—of actors and actresses who’ve auditioned for Star Wars meeting in secret in a shadowy underground bunker to exchange whispers about lines of dialogue they were given to read. They know that what they’re doing is forbidden—they remember well the blood oaths they were forced to take, oh do they remember—but the thrill of illicit Star Wars information sharing is just too hard to resist.
That’s when it starts. The screaming. They’ve arrived. Disney has sent them. Lightsaber-wielding battle droids.
That’s all, folks. I’ll be here all week.