This is actually happening: History Channel is casting for a new competition show called Full Metal Jousting. People are going to joust — for a prize of $100,000 — on television. For our entertainment. If you were ever annoyed for one moment that there was no Medieval Times restaurant in your area or that you kept missing your local Ren Faires, do not despair! You will soon be able to watch real people jousting and possibly bloodying themselves on basic cable! Huzzah!
Mighty warriors, heed this message from the casting notice:
Yes, we said JOUSTING. If you are a skilled horseback rider and have the heart of a warrior, then you might have what it takes to become America’s first Full Metal Jouster and win the $100,000 grand prize.
This hard-hitting competition will recreate the raw, crushing force of 13th Century jousting battles by arming 16 fierce competitors with lances, 200 pounds of armor and a 2,000-pound war horse — all charging through an arena with one goal in mind … to become champion.
You don’t need to be an experienced jouster, but you DO need strength, determination and the desire to win.
We teach you how to joust. You crush the competition.
Did you read the part about not needing prior jousting experience? How about the part about the “raw, crushing force”? Apparently, these things are okay together! Sweet! And then you get money at the end of it! $100,000 American dollars! But only if you aren’t runneth through! (But will you get to rip the flesh of a chicken off its smoky carcass with your bare hands and then eat it? That’s my question.)
I don’t know about you guys, but I’m going to learn how to ride a horse as soon as possible so I can sign up for this. I’ve got bills to pay and scenes from The Cable Guy to act out.