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Dear Twitter, Stop Giving Us Heart Attacks and Let Us Know When Celebrities Die Already

Or I need to stop getting my news from Denzel Washington reaction GIFs.

Twitter's homepage with the bar reading 'What's happening?'

It would be an understatement to say that Twitter is problematic. Between the proliferation of Nazis, the world leaders inciting violence, and trolls threatening any woman with an opinion on Star Wars, the social media site is a hotbed for the very worst of humanity.

But there’s a not-so-new phenomenon that has slowly been chipping away at our collective well-being: the celebrity death fake-out. It’s that thing of when a celebrity starts trending and you immediately panic that something horrible happened to them. You know, the pit that forms in your stomach when you see Betty White is trending, only to realize it’s her 98th birthday.

You click on the trend, scrolling desperately through your feed, hoping to see that harbinger of positivity, the relieved Denzel Washington GIF grace your timeline. Oh! There he is! Everything is okay!

fallen

(Warner Bros.)

I feel like this is a ridiculously easy problem for Twitter to solve. Just change the color of the font in the trending tab to black. Throw an emoji tombstone up. Do something so that I don’t get heart palpitations every time I check my mentions (full disclosure: those heart palpitations could be from the five Diet Cokes I had today.)

I realize this is relatively low on the list of Things Wrong With Twitter, but I feel like it’s such an easy fix. Especially in light of the pandemic, I need to know whether Harrison Ford died or whether he just crashed his plane again. You know, news critical to my well-being! But seriously, revoke that old man’s pilot license already.

Maybe it’s because we’re all feeling worn down from quarantine. Maybe it’s because we are unnaturally consumed by celebrity culture. Look, I can’t fix the world. But I feel like Twitter can maybe perhaps fix this? I mean, obviously I would rather they fix the Nazi thing or ban Donald Trump, but let’s be real: those are pipe dreams. We need to lower our expectations way down to subterranean levels.

So Twitter, this is my plea to you. Just let us know whether or not celebrities have shuffled off this mortal coil.

And while you’re at it, enough with the #celebrityisoverparty trends with zero explanation why said celeb is over. Sometimes it’s because they said/did something racist, in which case, cancel away. But sometimes it’s for no reason! I saw #ChrisEvansisCanceled trending when we know that he is literally Captain America IRL. What are we doing, people. Enough with the lies.

(image: (PIXXart / Shutterstock.com)

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Chelsea was born and raised in New Orleans, which explains her affinity for cheesy grits and Britney Spears. She currently lives in sunny Los Angeles, with her husband and two poorly behaved rescue dogs. She is a former roller derby girl and a black belt in Judo, so she is not to be trifled with. She loves the word “Jewess” and wishes more people used it to describe her.