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All the Amazing Stuff I’ve Done Just by ‘Thinking About It’ Like Trump ‘Declassifying’ Documents

Why doesn't everyone do this?

Donald Trump wears a red MAGA hat while driving a golf cart, gives a thumbs up to the camera

Recently, we learned about yet another of Donald Trump’s extraordinary mental powers. In an interview with Sean Hannity of Fox News, Trump claimed that “You can declassify [a top secret document you’re not supposed to have] just by saying it’s declassified, even by thinking about it.”

That may sound surprising to those of you still only using 10% of your brains, but Trump is actually totally right! There’s actually a lot of stuff you can do just by thinking about it. Here are some of the amazing things I’ve done with nothing more than a thought!

I got a promotion at work!

One day, I decided that my day job wasn’t paying me enough. Also, I wanted to be an executive with a six-figure salary. Was I going to put myself through the corporate meat grinder to try to earn a promotion? Hell no! I just thought about it for a few minutes, and bam! I’m typing this post from my corner office, with my assistant holding all my calls. Oh, also, my job lets me do my side hustle on the clock. Also, I get to come and go whenever I want, and I don’t have any actual job duties. I thought about having a really sweet and cushy gig, and lo, it was so!

I paid off my student loans!

I owed tens of thousands of student loans from two years of library school at a public university, because America is a hellish capitalist dystopia! But then I just thought about it, and suddenly all my loans paid themselves off. It was great! It almost made me feel like I lived almost anywhere else on Earth, where higher education doesn’t put you in debt for the rest of your life!

I got my friend to stop saying the word ‘cheugy!’

I have this friend who saw a TikTok where someone was claiming that “cheugy” was the new slang word all the cool kids were using. After that, my friend started calling everything cheugy. She said my Christmas sweater was cheugy. She said my troll doll collection was cheugy. She said the “live, laugh, love” sign on reclaimed picket fence wood in my bathroom was cheugy. She wouldn’t stop saying cheugy! So I thought about it. Now she doesn’t say anything.

I sold my novel!

Novel writing. Woof! It’s a multiyear slog with no promise of success or recognition at the end. Who needs that? Especially when you can get your whole manuscript done overnight by just thinking about it? I did exactly that, and next thing I knew, I had eighty thousand words and a query letter all ready to go. Then I thought about having an agent and a book deal, and I got those, too!

I dealt with that pesky IRS audit!

Aw, man, the IRS was after me again! I was apparently doing dodgy stuff like using my foundation’s money to buy portraits of myself and burying my ex-wife on my golf course so I could write off the property as a cemetery. But you know what? I just decided, in this ol’ brain of mine, that all my taxes were in order and there was nothing that might catch the IRS’s attention. Sure enough, everything was fine after that! Thanks, thinking!

I made all those lawsuits go away!

I was being sued by about a million people for doing all sorts of horrible things—things that are actually too upsetting to mention in a satirical article, so let’s just leave it at that. What a bother! What an inconvenience! So, I just took a minute to think about it, and all my legal troubles went away.

Well, except for one case. See, one plaintiff’s lawyer also had the power to change reality just by thinking about it, and let me tell you, that led to an interesting situation. I thought his case out of existence, but then he just thought it right back. I thought it away again, and he brought it back again! Long story short, the whole thing culminated in an epic psychic battle in the courtroom, with lights flashing and furniture flying around as we waged full-on telekinetic warfare.

In the end, we settled.

(featured image: Cliff Hawkins/Getty Images)

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Julia Glassman (she/her) lives in Los Angeles, where she reads tarot and watches Marvel movies. You can check out more of her writing at linktr.ee/juliaglassman, or find her on Twitter at @juliaglassman.