It’s October 28th already, and you don’t have a Halloween costume. But worry not, because we’ve got your back.
Websites Are Being Turned Into Movies Now. So Where’s The Mary Sue, Hollywood?
by Rebecca Pahle | 4:21 pm, October 29th, 2013
First, the news: 20th Century Fox is adapting websites The Knot, The Bump, and The Nest—about weddings, pregnancy, and parenting, respectively—into a film trilogy. Yes, that is a thing that is happening. We thought making movies out of self-help books What to Expect When You’re Expecting and He’s Just Not That Into You was the bottom of the barrel, but apparently not.
Nothing against The Knot, The Bump, and The Nest, but if any site’s going to be adapted into a feature film, I think we know which one it should be.
…No, not Geekosystem (ugh, those guys). I meant us.
These sorts of films all have approximately 12 gazillion protagonists, so while we could just have one character named Mary Sue, I’m afraid I’m going to have to insist to Kathryn Bigelow—She’s directing our movie, obviously. Or maybe Sarah Polley. But not Lynne Ramsay; she’s great, but I’d rather The Mary Sue not be depressing as hell—that screen time be shared between… hmmm. A hacker girl, obviously. And Xena. Not a Xena-like character. Actually Xena. (Hey, aim high.) A space princess or twelve. Batgirl and -woman for Jill and Susana. Michonne. Buffy. Elle from Legally Blonde. Audrey from Atlantis: The Lost Empire. Martha Jones. Judi Dench as The Boss. And Katee Sackhoff as The Muscle. Ooh, and Michelles Yeoh and Rodriguez.
And all these ladies from different walks of life find themselves on a spaceship, see? And they have to bring down a crime organization—no, a space crime organization—known as the Mansplainers. The guy at the top of the totem pole, Misogynist Max, is a real sleazeball. You know the type. Thinks stats about how 45% of women are gamers don’t matter because “LOL, that’s just girls playing Candy Crush.”
The mansplainers try to demoralize Our Heroes by claiming they’re not real geeks and whining “But what about reverse sexim?,” but all that really does is take a group of people who didn’t get along (you put Xena and Elle in the same room, see how that goes) and unite them in a common cause. They use strength, intelligence, wit, perseverance, and the common sense to wear practical shoes into battle to defeat Misogynist Max and save the day, ushering in a brand new era of representation for all.
We’ll have to get a different screenwriter than Gossip Girl’s Natalie Krinsky, whom Fox has tapped for The Knot, The Bump, and The Nest, though. I wonder if Felicia Day is available…