Bill-lovers to the left. Yesterday the penultimate episode of True Blood aired, and while there were some scenes that had me in a shipper’s paradise, none of them had to do with a certain sad, mopey vampire and his martyr complex.
Case in point: last night’s episode began with Jessica, Sookie, and Eric grappling with Bill’s refusal to, in Pam’s words, “drink this cunt’s blood.” Bill says he wants to “accept his fate” and meet the True Death, which Sookie rightly identifies as bullshit–Bill is one of only three vampires privileged to be offered a cure, but now that his loved ones have risked their lives to heal him, he’s just not into this whole earthly realm thing, y’all. Jessica asks Bill to release her, and he obliges then stumbles off into the night.
Sookie and Jessica drive to Sam’s, but find his trailer empty save for two letters. Sookie reads the letter addressed to her as a voiceover reveals that Bon Temp’s dog mayor skipped town with his pregnant girlfriend. In what will probably be fans’ last glimpse of Mr. Merlotte, we see Sam drive by Bellefleur’s for one last look and tell Nicole he will be gaining far more through their life together than he has to sacrifice by leaving. So long, Sam, you salt-and-pepper cutie, you. It’s been fun.
Sookie and Jessica drive to Bellefleur’s to give Andy Sam’s letter of resignation. The restaurant is open and waiting for customers, which means James and Lafayette are in attendance as well. James swoons up to Jess to apologize for cheating on her, and says that he and Lafayette will make each other happy (I sure as hell hope so. Unlike Bill, Lafs actually deserves some peace). Jessica makes James promise to get Sookie home safe.
Elsewhere, Brigette and Hoyt are being slightly tetchy with each other, which in True Blood land means means their relationship is doomed. Brigette is (reasonably) pissed by the manner in which Hoyt told her he didn’t want kids, to which Hoyt (reasonably) replies that he’s just not at that point in his life yet. Brigette asks about the redhead vamp with the long lashes, pointing out that her boyfriend disappeared all day while she cleaned his dead mother’s house. Hoyt admits that he did see Jessica, but only so he could give Vampire Bill some healthy blood.
The two hear a knock at the door, and, in what was my first moment of genuine outrage this episode, we realize it’s Jessica. Obviously we all want Hoyt and Jessica to touch their magical love parts together and have gentle sweet babies, but that won’t be as satisfying if either of the love birds reveals a secret horrible side in the process! Brigette rapidly progresses from the token microbiologist girlfriend to the only reasonable character in the scene, telling Hoyt that if he goes outside to talk to this sexy vampire, their relationship is over. He goes outside. Womp, womp.
Elsewhere, Jason is making mac and cheese while wearing a very flattering tank top (this is one of my favorite Jason episodes ever). Brigette calls and tells Jason that a vampire Hoyt used to “go with” (because this is Our Town) has shown up, and she needs someone to come pick her up.
Meanwhile, Eric arrives at Casa Compton to give Bill the tongue lashing he deserves (fact: True Blood is nothing more than a supercut of people with sexy frowns knocking on doors). Eric tells Bill that “no one is talking about it, but Hep V attacks the spirit,” and admits that he, too, felt irrationally nihilistic before he was cured. Eric tells Bill that what he’s doing to Sookie is unconscionable, but Bill claims everything he does is for Ms. Stackhouse. Umm…excuse? Bill says Sookie will never love someone while he’s still on the planet (bolding indicates massive eye rolling) then spews some hippie shit about vampires using their blackness to suck in faeries and other creatures of the light. Why does Bill think he’s the exception to the mainstreaming rule? This show is full of vampire/human relationships, many of which are the series’ healthiest, at least by Bon Temps standards. Sadly, Eric falls for Bill’s noble line of bull and offers to bring Sookie over later that night. The two wiggle their eyebrows at each other in what I can only assume is masculine vampire code for “goodbye.”
Jason arrives at the Fortenberrys’, where Hoyt promptly decks him in the eye. When he comes to and finds Brigette in the driver’s seat of his patrol car, Jason offers her a place to stay with the understanding that they won’t be having sex. Back at his house, Jason uses his powers of faerie sex persuasion to secure Brigette a cheap ticket back to Alaska, then goes into the next room and ices his dick with a bag of peas.
Meanwhile, Hoyt could probably do with an assist from some frozen produce as well. Jessica explains to Hoyt that when they dated, as much as she loved him, she was just a 17 year old formerly-homeschooled vampire who needed to explore her darker side before settling down. She heals Hoyt’s hand and tells him that since he’s returned she can finally imagine a future for herself.
Meanwhile, Pam unchains a screaming Sarah, apparently so that she can dye the prisoner’s hair back to blonde and share a troubling anecdote about her time working in the whorehouse. What is going on in this scene?
Brigette wakes up and tells Jason she’s hungry, but unfortunately he only has some beers and the peas he’s icing his crotch with. WHAT ABOUT THE MAC AND CHEESE, STACKHOUSE? Brigette asks Jason about his penis’ skills of Jedi persuasion (my words, not hers), and a voiceover of Jason explaining the Hoyt/Jessica/Jason love trial suddenly overlays a scene of Hoyt and Jessica smooching, beautifully. Sigh. Hoyt and Jessica begin to make sweet, sweet love as Jason admits he’s scared he will never have anything as real as what the two of them share. True Blood: shameless crescendos over vampire humping since 2008.
Meanwhile, the gang begin to close up shop at Bellefleur’s (question: are James and Lafayette now driving the car that he and Jessica so famously bought together? These are ill-gotten gains, people!).
Lala and his ill-gotten gains.
Eric arrives and takes Sookie aside to explain Bill’s motives [insert tiny violin here]. In one of my favorite classic True Blood moments of this season, Eric picks Sookie up and flies her home.
Meanwhile, Jason and Brigette lie in bed together so Jason can learn he’s capable of not having sex with things he lies down next to (yes, that is an actual plot in this episode). The two share secrets they’ve never told anyone before, with Jason revealing that he badly wants children but is terrified of raising a girl.
Eric zooms Sookie down to her house, where she waits for Bill to arrive. He stops to mope at his family’s headstones first, because that’s what makes good TV.Eric returns to Fangtasia, all riled up from his night of good deeds and flying with Sookie. Ginger is furious with Eric for not telling her as soon as he was healed, and he finally offers to sleep with her. I’m so happy for Ginger. Eric vampire-whisks her underwear off and she straddles him on the throne. Ginger immediately has a lengthy, insane orgasm culminating with Eric leaning over her, deeply concerned. Ginger’s ecstasy, Eric’s bafflement: this is the True Blood I will miss.
Unfortunately, the weird sex bubble can’t last long. Eric arrives downstairs to find Pam chained by the Yakuza in some sort of elaborate vampire boobytrap (how did they just have all those supplies hanging around?). To save the life of Pam, Eric admits that Sookie knows about the cure.
In the episode’s final shot, Sookie waits tearfully in her living room as Bill reaches to knock on the door, but I was so keyed up from Ginger and Eric’s scene that all I have in my notes is “What an ending!” Eric turned me into Tommy Wiseau, everyone. I’m done.
As I said before, Bill lovers to the left. This episode had some of the best Jason and Eric moments we’ve seen in the past few seasons, and unlike last episode, all of the characters actually developed in some way. But in the context of the True Blood universe, I’m still deeply unsympathetic with Bill’s choice—perhaps because I don’t want my good-bye with this show to be a tearful one.
(images via HBO and Imgur)