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True Blood Finale Recap: Thank You

Now what will we frantically switch the channel from when other people walk into the room?

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Doozy, noun: something that is unusually good, bad, big, severe, etc. An extraordinary one of its kind. The final season of HBO’s inconsistent but consistently maddening True Blood. Last night happened, and now, for those of you who couldn’t bring yourself to watch or are feeling a little nostalgic for the Bon Temps of yore, here is the last True Blood recap The Mary Sue will ever publish. Thanks for the memories, ya fangbangers.

Yesterday’s episode opened with Vampire Bummer explaining to Sookie why he wants to die, because this is now a show entirely about Bill’s existential angst. Sookie refuses to let Bill be “both nostalgic and suicidal,” but Bill says he has to die so she can live the life she was fully meant to. Bill says Hep V has made him feel more human than ever before (yes, we all thought that would be significant later on in the episode. But don’t get cocky, kids), and says he loves Sookie too much to just break up with her, so he has to die the True Death instead. Oh, and not only does Bill want to monopolize this episode by dying a horribly self-involved death, but he wants Sookie to sacrifice her faerie powers in order to kill him herself.  I don’t think I need to point out how emotionally unhealthy this whole conversation is. The problem isn’t vampire/faerie relationships, bud, the problem is you being a garbage boyfriend. Let’s call a spade a melodramatic spade.

Meanwhile, the Yakuza are speeding to Sookie’s and blaring horrible techno gangster music while Eric releases Sarah from her chains at Fangtasia. Pam gives Sarah her blood (Probably a good call. Sarah could never handle the intensity of an erotic Eric dream) then lets her escape via the underground railroad passageway. The camera cuts to Gus, upstairs making paper cranes out of money. Gus hears Eric exclaim that Sarah has escaped, and the Yakuza run down to the basement, guns a-blazin’. The gangsters fire on Pam and Eric, who do a classic vampire flip over the top of their attacker’s heads, then blow Gus up as he attempts to escape via the passageway. So long, probable historic landmark and frequent plot device! The True Blood writers have things to do!

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Eric, who apparently knows Japanese, then flies to Sookie’s house and apprehends the Yakuza assassins sent to kill her. Ta-ta, minor characters!  We are getting shit done! Then this happened.

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 That face is the highlight of the episode. I’m sorry.

 Meanwhile, Sarah is hiding out at a spooky carousel when Pam finds her. Sarah reveals that she came here because it was the place where Eric turned Willa (WILLA! WHAT HAPPENED TO WILLA?), and asks Pam to turn her, rationalizing that since she’s such a reprehensible human, she might as well become a vampire. In another one of the few moments during this episode that had the old True Blood mojo, Sarah tries to seduce Pam into turning her, saying that she wants to try being “the woman behind the woman” for once. Pam delightfully explains the many ways in which Sarah will never pleasure her, then drinks from Sarah so that she can be vaccinated. If only all unwanted suitors could be dispatched so delightfully. Also, RIP, Tara. I wish you and Pam had been able to do more bedroom things to each other.

And then things really get cooking, by which I mean it’s all downhill from here. Jess and Hoyt arrive at Bill’s so she can tell her maker that although she doesn’t want Bill to die, she will find a way to cope if he does. Bill hugs her and Jess notes how warm he is, but that’s just a BIG, FAT RED HERRING FOLKS. I AM SORRY.  And then, because Bill is intent on ruining the lives of the living before tragically Bill-ing into that good night, he asks Hoyt if he intends to marry Jessica. Hoyt replies yes, because all consistency of character and integrity are now lost. I know that Hoyt and Jessica are different than Bill and Sookie since Hoyt is just a human, but how can Bill not see his own hypocrisy here?

Jess takes Bill upstairs to tell him that she never imagined her wedding would be like this and that Hoyt doesn’t know her yet in the way a husband should, and Bill says, like any rational father figure, that people can fall in love in one day. Bill never got to see his human daughter Sarah get married, so he wants Jess to be “spoken for” before he leaves this place. What the fresh hell, True Blood?  Jess talks to Hoyt about marrying today so that Bill can give her away. What the dickens.

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Meanwhile, it is raining in True Blood-ville. Sookie sits in her kitchen and reminisces about playing with Tara and the two of them sharing chocolate with Gran. Aww. This is a good scene. Gran overhears Sookie talking about boys, and orders Sookie to never “limit herself.” Oh. This is a weird scene. Present-day Sookie puts on some fancy cowboy boots and heads over to Jason’s, where she finds Brigette in the kitchen. Sookie makes some coffee to wake Jason up (instant, because “he’s disgusting”) and tells Jason about her Bill-lemma. During their heart to heart, Hoyt calls Jason and Jessica calls Sooks (who has a new phone, I guess?) to ask for help with their wedding. Brigette listens in as the man she was dating not 24 hours ago plans a wedding to his vampire ex-girlfriend. The scene ends with Sookie asking “what the hell went on last night,” then the recorded studio audience pees itself with laughter.

Apparently, Jess and Hoyt (who, for those of you just tuning in, effectively met his bride-to-be yesterday) are having a daytime wedding in Bill’s house. Good thing we’ve established the living room is free of natural light! Andy, Holly and Arlene arrive for the wedding, and the house is already covered in adorable homemade decorations.  Bill calls Andy into his office and explains that since the Sheriff is his only living heir, he will leave his house to Andy so that Jessica and Hoyt can rent it for $1 a month. Meanwhile everyone is deep into wedding preparation, because when things get fucked on True Blood, sometimes you can write your way out of it with a party. Jason goes to give Bubba a flower for his lapel and Hoyt, understandably, asks if the girl he broke up with not 24 hours ago is doing okay. Jason reassures Hoyt that he’s right to marry Jessica since ” it’s been a long and weird fucking week, and that if we live every day like the last, we’ll see things like they’re ‘prescription.’” Ok, I guess.

Meanwhile, Arlene scopes out Vampire Bill’s house. Lala and James haven’t been invited for obvious reasons, but I’m still experiencing finale-anxiety because we are now more than halfway through this sucker and Lala still has not made an appearance. Bill walks Jess down the aisle as Andy officiates, saying that even if the state doesn’t recognize Hoyt and Jess’ union, God certainly does. Sookie is comically surprised to overhear Bill’s thoughts, and listens in during the wedding as he mourns the fact that she will never find this kind of conventional happiness in a relationship with him. Jason drives Sookie home, and she confesses that Bill seems more human to her and she can now read his mind. Speaking of reading minds, she also reveals that Brigette is sweet on Jason, and that if he decides to sleep with Hoyt’s former girlfriend on the way to the airport, he has his sister’s approval.

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Shocking plot twist: Sookie goes to church to get the Reverend’s advice. She explains to him that she’s a faerie, and they have a talk about free will. Sookie leaves by telling the Reverend that his next sermon should say “help is on the way,” then calls Bill and arranges to meet him that night in the cemetery.

Cut to that night, a solemnly-dressed Sookie heads to Bill’s grave, which has been freshly dug with his coffin left inside. Bill arrives fashionably late and dressed in some sort of pyjama-type shirt. Bill, don’t make Sookie do this. They kiss. WHY? Why is this happening??!!! Bill finds a photograph of him and his daughter in the coffin and begins to cry as Sookie says she’ll never forget him. Bill lies down and prepares to die, but Sookie hesitates after summoning her ball of light. YES, SOOKIE. DON’T DO THIS. Sookie says that she didn’t realize how much of herself she would be sacrificing by killing him with her faerie powers, but since Bill says he still wants to die, she searches around for a stake. Bill, you are the biggest wiener. Sookie straddles Bill in the coffin and they kiss, then Bill puts his hands over Stookie as she stakes him. Poor Sookie has to bury her vampire lover (and, as a reminder of acting, Anna Paquin’s real-life husband) with her bare hands. I am deeply upset.

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Bill and his inappropriate funeral attire.

Suddenly, CUT TO A YEAR LATER: Eric and Pam are doing an infomercial for New Blood. It’s pretty fun, I guess, but I’m too traumatized to enjoy a Peric follow-up as much as I usually would. CUT TO THREE YEARS AFTER THAT (True Blood writers are clearly mad with power and must be stopped) Pam and Eric are doing something on the stock market? They are evidently very rich and powerful now, but I don’t want to know about the financial situation of ancient vampires. Tell me about their personal lives. I guess that’s not to be, because now it’s ONE YEAR AFTER THAT THREE YEAR JUMP AFTER THE FIRST YEAR JUMP: Sookie is massively pregnant. Judging from all the turkeys around, it is apparently Thanksgiving.

Let’s see, who do we think has married whom: Jason is now with Brigette, obviously. They have three kids, some of whom are girls, and Jason seems happier and more puppy-like than ever. This is good. Sam has arrived with Nicole and their family, and Fangtasia is apparently having a booming holiday as well. We see Eric in his rightful place sitting on the throne, while Pam watches over Sarah Newlin in the basement. I’m shocked that Sarah survived this season’s cull, but even more shocked by the deeply fucked-up position in which this show leaves her: chained, scantily clad, and being bled dry by vampires for the tune of $100,000 a minute. Fake Steve Newlin is there (yay! I could do with a nice Newlin good-bye!) and reveals that his former wife has now gone totally insane.

TRA LA LA LA in happier news, the whole gang has gathered in Sookie’s backyard for Thanksgiving dinner. Everyone is there and still blissfully coupled as per Season 7: Arlene and Keith, Lettie Mae and the Reverend, Lafayette and James, even Adilyn and Wade. We see the back of Sookie’s husband, but not his face. The series ends.

I had hoped last night would go out with some sort of surprise-twist bang, but instead the show that I remained inexplicably loyal to shuffled to an end after seven seasons. Even at it’s worst, True Blood usually had sex positivity and diversity going for it, which might have been why I found last night so strange. Why this mad desire to couple all characters, even at the risk of losing sight of the plot’s integrity? Why Bill’s old-fashioned insistence that Sookie and Jess will never be happy unless married and (in Sookie’s case) pregnant?

I was dismayed by how manipulative and problematic Bill’s treatment of Sookie was in their last few scenes together. Since the series refuses to show us the face of the new Mr.Stackhouse, I’m going to assume that by retaining her faerie powers, Sookie has attracted another vampire, is pregnant with Lafayette and James’ child, and is living a wacky, unconventional and give no fucks life, like early-season Sookie would have wanted.

What did you guys think of last night’s episode? Were you happy with the way things resolved or, like me, are you trying to convince yourself the show ended after Season 3?

(images via HBO, GIF via FairweatherFrey on Tumblr)

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