A personal A+ from me to this episode, if only for the at-last return of my boyfriend. Everything is
Groot Hoyt Fortenberry.
Yesterday’s episode (this season’s seventh…only three more left!) opened with Eric interrogating a chained but newly-healed Amber, although it’s surprising to me in the context of Amber’s character that she would be so ragingly uncool about sharing her secret with other sick vamps. Yakonomo Cowboy Gus Jr. promises Amber a reward for information, and Amber says her sister is no longer Sarah but Numi, a good person who happens to also be the antidote for Hep V. Eric slowly burns a picture of Amber and her dead boyfriend, Jeremy, to remind everyone of Sarah’s sins. In the heat of the moment, Eric imagines Amber is Sarah, and stakes her so she explodes like a rotten apple. Secrets secrets are no fun, Amber. Secrets, secrets hurt someone.
Elsewhere in the South, Holly and Andy have shown up at Fort Bellefluer in search of their newly-incestuous children. Andy attempts to contact their “perverts” by taking advantage of teenagers’ “Pavlovian response to a ringing cellphone,” and they discover Adilyn and Wade’s abandoned phones.
Meanwhile at the house of tears, Sookie and Jessica are watching Bill’s disease spread. The trio are literally sitting in silence and watching as Bill’s Hep V markings advance, so obviously this is a thrilling scene. Somewhere a cello plays. The phone rings, and there’s a solid minute of dialogue where the three debate answering it. But will they ever make it to Moscow? Bill finally answers (shout out to the conspicuous bust Vampire Bill keeps in his phone area), and it’s Andy calling to see if Jessica sensed anything happening to his daughter. Andy and Holly decide to search at Wade’s father’s house in Oklahoma, but ask Jessica to contact them if she feels the teenage faerie is in danger. See, Sookie, this is why people need phones!
Sadly, as we are all too aware, Adilyn and Wade are not sweetly copulating in Oklahoma, they’re with an ancient, angry vampire. Violet has taken them to a mansion full of taxidermied animals and portraits of herself. Why does Violet have an enormous creephouse within walking distance of Bon Temps? Shhh, it’s not important. Regardless, Adilyn and Wade seem surprisingly okay with their host’s weird decorating choices, even after Violet shows them an impressive array of sex toys (what do you call a group of dildos? A peck?), and reveals that she used to fuck her brother *vampire whisper* “a lot.” I will stand by this aspect of True Blood: yes, the Adilyn/Wade arc is an uninteresting plot involving new characters that most of the audience probably couldn’t care less about, but at least this storyline is being filtered through a highly inappropriate and fun lens (and probably parodying Bible Belt sex ed simultaneously). The scene ends with Violet giving Adilyn an intense goodnight kiss and urging the future step-siblings to “Have fun fucking!” Yes.
In similarly salacious news, Arlene is closing up Bellefleur’s alone at night (but why?) when Keith the Hot Topic vampire arrives to walk her home. In spite of her protestations, Keith smooches her, and somewhere in heaven Terry is probably cheering. Keith takes off Arlene’s panties in record vampire time (they’re not much for foreplay, are they?) and the two start to make love on a pool table–and oh. Foiled again, it was just another blood-induced vampire sex dream.
Back in Dallas, Eric is lounging on the bed of the vampire he just staked while a kimono-clad Pam pilfers Amber’s closet. Eric casually puts one of Amber’s shirts on over his preexisting shirt–God bless this show’s eccentric touches. Gus tells the pair it’s possible to kill Sarah but also retrieve the antidote by synthesizing her blood and manufacturing “New Blood.” The Yakinomo Corporation want Eric to serve as “New Blood’s” spokesperson, and Gus Jr. repeatedly says “my word is oak”–presumably to increase his credibility, although personally it had the opposite effect.
Back at Casa Compton, Bill is preparing for bed–with tragic gravitas, of course. Bill and Jessica fall asleep together and everything is sweet and heartbreaking until, oh no, it’s the silliest civil war flashback yet. We have reached Peak Old-Timey Compton, people. Bill is a teenager (as indicated by his reduced height–movie sorcery, friends!) who wants to “go to Californier!”, but instead he decides to stay in Bon Temps and marry comely Caroline because his father is dying. Never in the deepest Benjamin Button trenches of the uncanny valley have I ever been so amused/appalled by the rapid age transition of a character.
We interrupt this recap to bring you: HOYYYYYYYT! HOYT HOYT HOYT HOYT HOYT HOYT! Hoyt and his new girlfriend, a perfect microbiologist named Bridget, have arrived at Bellefleur’s for a little pre-morgue snack. When Arlene realizes that Hoyt has no recollection of his childhood best friend, she calls up Jason, who happens to be vacuuming and dancing in his underwear. Thanks, True Blood. Jason shows up at Bellefleur’s and joins Hoyt and Bridget for breakfast. The scene is bittersweet and, as always, a little ridiculous.
Back in Violet’s magical sex mansion, Adilyn and Wade are debating the merits of dildos with which to perforate their budding attraction to each other. Adilyn reads Wade’s mind and is relieved to discover he’s also intimated by Violet’s toys. The two discuss their mutual virginity, and barf barf barf barf barf. I distracted myself by admiring the hilariously scary portrait of Violet on the wall, which was giving Scooby Doo levels of follow-you-around-the-room eyes.
Sookie calls Doctor Ludwig (of Season 2 fame!), who arrives in a Humvee so large I originally assumed she was an Anubis Air coffin delivery person. The doctor insists on waking up Bill in spite of Sookie’s protestations, which is a damn shame, because (shocker): Bill is having another Civil War flashback. Usually I just seethe at my screen for ye olde Compton personal history lessons, but dirtbag teenage Bill is a little more interesting. His parents have dragged him to a picnic to meet his future bride, even though he was going to Tosche Station to pick up some power converters. Bill and Caroline lock eyes and it’s clear the two are going to marry each other so hard, although why that is important in the context of this series I honestly have no clue. Doctor Ludwig wakes Bill up to examine him, and concludes he has a thoroughly “gross” case of rapid-onset Hep V. Sookie asks if her faerie blood might be causing the disease to accelerate, and reveals to Doctor Ludwig that she’s related to Niall, causing the doctor to flee.
Meanwhile, Jason has taken Hoyt and Bridget to the morgue to view Big Max’s body. Jason is apparently attracted to Bridget, which, I mean, come on, Stackhouse: do not pull a Season 4 here. At Bridget’s urging, Jason tells a beautiful lie about Maxine for Hoyt, and the three share a very strange hug.
Sookie has gone to look at Bill’s headstone in the graveyard, where she calls on Niall for help in dealing with this strange “situation.” She arrives home to find her faerie grandfather in the kitchen eating spaghetti. Why is there a prolonged spaghetti-eating scene here? Is there some spaghetti precedent I’m forgetting from previous seasons? Niall says that he knew Sookie was infecting Bill, but he didn’t intervene because the vampire isn’t “right for her.” Sookie asks her grandfather to prove their family is special and magical by creating a miracle on Bill’s behalf.
Sarah Newlin is hiding out at the abandoned Fellowship of the Sun camp. She has a vision of Jason warning her that Eric is coming to kill her, then the camera pans out to a satellite and we realize the Yakuza have been tracking Sarah from space. That really shouldn’t make me as incredulous as it does, considering this is a show about faeries and vampires, but I’m just not sure the Yakuza have it that together.
Meanwhile, Sam is at Bellefleur’s, drinking away his woes over Nicole’s ultimatum. Arlene is pretty talented at the therapy aspect of bartending, and happily to talk to Sam about whether true love or geographical Stockholm Syndrome keeps him loyal to Bon Temps.
Holly and Andy arrive in Oklahoma to find that Adilyn and Wade were never there. Poor Andy begins to cry, and in a reminder of why these two make sense as a couple, Holly comforts her fiancee by telling Andy she senses this story will have a happy ending.
On the way to Bill’s, Niall tells Sookie they need to “channel nature’s memory,” aka, experience a Civil War flashback in which Bill sees his first baby being born, to which the faerie Grandfather responds with a simple “wow.” This episode is weird. Sookie is hilariously unimpressed by the baby Bill made with his dead wife, but it’s okay, because this was all part of a life lesson. Niall tells Sookie he needed to show her that there can be magic in the ordinary, but that Bill will not be healed with magic. Bippity boppity fuck you, Niall. That was not nice.
Meanwhile, a little girl sees Lettie Mae and Lafayette digging in her front yard. That’s it for those kids this episode.
After Sam leaves, Arlene is drinking alone at Merlotte’s when Keith arrives–IRL this time. Keith tells her he sensed that she was “dangerously sad,” and Arlene reminds the vampire that she’s a carrier of Hep V. That’s okay, he just wants to slow dance. Sigh.
Back at the super sex love den, Violet wakes to find Adilyn and Wade basking in what I’m assuming is post-coital glow. Violet bats Wade aside like a fly and chains Adilyn with a pair of fuzzy handcuffs. Jessica senses Adilyn’s fear.
Meanwhile, Sookie runs to Bill’s house in a white nightgown and promises to stay with him until the very end. At last, they kiss.
Meanwhile at the Fellowship of the Sun camp, Sarah is hiding and contemplating her mortality. Apparitions of the people Sarah has wronged arrive before her, Richard III style. Reverend Newlin appears (Hoyt and Steve? This episode rocks!) and he and the recently-beheaded guru argue over the merits of Christianity vs. Buddhism. In a moment of brilliant last-ditch loonyness, Sarah proclaims that she is the Messiah and she chooses herself for salvation! Nearby, Eric and Pam (still wearing the clothes they pilfered from Amber) arrive with the Yakuza to finish the job.
Sookie and Bill are having sex in front of a fire. She tenderly kisses his Hep V markings. Fin.
I don’t have a lot to say about this episode–it was silly, it was imperfect, it was sweet, it was sad, it had Hoyt. My chief worry heading into Episode 8 is that Sarah’s last words won’t be better than “I love you Jason, Stackhouse.” Anyone have some suggestions?