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  1. And This, Ladies And Gentlemen, Is Why Jeremy Renner Is A National Treasure

    What is even going on here?

    I have no idea where Jeremy Renner got this photo of Widow's face on Hawkeye's body. I have no idea why he posted it on Facebook. I have no idea about any of this. All I know is that Jeremy Renner is a beautiful soul and must be protected at all costs.

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  2. Woman Uses The Ol’ “Zombie” Excuse For Assaulting Stranger

    Sorry Officer, my teeth slipped!

    Sure, stories of disturbed individuals acting irrationally can make for amusing headlines, but they're inherently sad, too (no one ever dreams of making the news for driving drunk dressed as Buddy the Elf, but here we are). But one recent bit of weird Internet news comes with a valuable lesson for us all: insatiable hunger for brains does not justify violence.

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  3. Reminder That the Ocean Is Full of Horrors: Watch a Giant Fish Swallow a Shark

    Point made already, Qui-Gon, jeez.

    What's that, Jaws? Don't go in the water? Yeah, that's pretty solid advice when you consider that somewhere under that water are fish that can eat sharks in a single bite. I think he was trying to send these fishing humans a message: get out of my house.

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  4. Priest Receiving Texts From Demon With Apparently Great Phone Plan

    If you say Siri's name three times in the dark, all your contacts will be deleted. Truth.

    After unsuccessfully performing an exorcism on a woman he believes to be possessed, Polish Priest Marian Rajchel told The Daily Mail that the demon in question is now harassing him via text. But that's clearly ridiculous, right? Reception is way too bad in Hell.

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  5. Bear Falls Through Skylight Into Boy’s First Birthday Party, Eats Hella Cupcakes

    Maybe my invitation got lost in the wooaaaaaaaaaaah!

    If you give a moose a muffin, he will probably want some jam, but if you don't invite a bear to a birthday party, he will devour all baked goods and cause extensive property damage. The Andrew W.K. of bears literally crashed a boy's first birthday party in Alaska last Saturday, simultaneously capturing cupcakes as well as my heart.

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  6. Sir Mix A Lot Performed Baby Got Bach Back with the Seattle Symphony

    Sadly, Becky was not in attendance.

    If for some reason you needed proof that Sir Mix-a-Lot's love letter to the derriere has become a respected cultural touchstone, here it is! This past weekend the poet of the posterior performed Baby Got Back with the Seattle Symphony, and damn...he did not have to ask for volunteer dancers twice.

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  7. Edible Mist Machine Lets You “Enjoy” All Your Favorite Foods Without Those Pesky Nutrients

    Have we learned nothing from Parks and Rec?

    Today in "things the Western World does that must infuriate the rest of the planet," UK inventor group Lick Me I'm Delicious has invented the Edible Mist Machine, a strange orb-like device that lets dieters sample the flavors of some of their favorite foods without actually eating them.

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  8. Netflix Bug Smashes Plot Descriptions Together, the Results Are Hilariously Weird

    Congratulations, Netflix, you just wrote fan fiction!

    If you use Netflix, you may have noticed that the content recommended to you lately has sounded...well, a little off. A bug has been melding the summaries for some adjacent titles together since December, but honestly I'm disappointed the descriptions were just the result of a technical glitch. Some of these movies I would love to see.

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  9. You’re Not Truly Relaxed Until a Python Named Walter Gives You a “Massage”

    "Let's start with the neck..."

    Imagine: you walk into a spa, prepared to get a nice relaxing rubdown, and what does your masseur turn out to be but a 20 foot Burmese python?! Total chill-killer, right? Maybe not -- apparently visitors to the Cebu City Zoo in the Philippines just love being buried under a pile of snakes.

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  10. Accident In South Carolina Causes Major Loss of Lasagna, Pastaggedon Imminent

    Something something Garfield something.

    Last Wednesday a tractor trailer full of lasagna collided with a slow-moving train in Gaffney, South Carolina. Both drivers were able to escape with their lives, but tragically an estimated oodle of noodles were not so lucky.

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  11. Geekolinks 5/20

    Who you gonna call in today's Geekolinks? Bat Murray, drinkable sunscreen, and Chewbacca's relationship with George R.R. Martin, of course!

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  12. Venture Capital Firm Appoints Robot to Board of Directors

    "I'm sorry, Dave, I'm afraid we can't do casual Fridays anymore."

    Does your boss already act like a cold and ruthless machine? Better not complain to employees at Hong Kong based Deep Knowledge Ventures: the company recently appointed a computer to their board to voice opinions "not immediately obvious to humans" (like when to get that memo out about the singularity).

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  13. Dog Gets Bad Haircut, Walks Around Upright for Days in Indignation

    Whatever, dog, I've been doing that for years.

    If angry Pomeranian Jin Dan can teach us one thing, it's this: don't believe everything you read on the Internet, except when you really, really want to live in a world where it could be true.

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  14. Amazon Patented Taking Pictures In Front of a White Background

    Negative Space has been added to your cart

    The US Patent and Trademark Office (USPTO) is an easy punchline for jokes about bureaucratic inanity, but a recently-granted patent proves that reputation is deserved. Turns out Amazon has patented taking pictures in front of a white background, so I guess Shutterstock is doomed.

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  15. Godzilla “Craves Italian,” Pukes in New Fiat Ad

    What's a great way to advertise our car? "I don't know, how about a metaphor for the atomic bomb!"

    The Godzilla reboot trailer might have made me forget all about Matthew Broderick and Puff Daddy, but sadly the reimagined monster just upchucked some of its new gravitas. One of the best views of Godzilla yet comes courtesy of this car commercial--too bad his (or her) dignity isn't intact.

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  16. UPS Delivers Government’s $400,000 Drone Instead of Dude’s Weights

    Inability to deliver drones disqualifies UPS from having drones, right?

    Reddit user Seventy_Seven ordered weights for his gym, but UPS delivered hardware of an entirely different kind: a pricey PUMA Unmanned Aircraft System.

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  17. eBay Won’t Let Desperate Canadian Town Auction off Whale Carcass for 99 Cents

    Sold to the man with the stump on his leg and maniacal glint in his eye!

    You can make a lot of dubious purchases online, but eBay has yet to jump the shark--er, whale. The town of Cape St.George, Newfoundland, tried an unorthodox way to dispose of a 40-foot rotting whale carcass decaying on their shores, but in spite of interest from bidders the online auction site has shut the whale sale down.

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  18. Geekolinks 5/6

    A seahorse reckoning with its own identity, amazing Ent cosplay, a real-life version of Jon Snow's sword, and more in today's Geekolinks!

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  19. Massachusetts Town Lifts 32 Year Ban On Arcade Games

    Pogs, roller-blading and R.L. Stine still non-negotiable.

    If you grew up in Marshfield, Massachusetts then it's unlikely that Pac Man, pepperoni farts, and fanny packs full of quarters hold their rightful place of reverence in your heart--the small town just repealed a 32 year ban on arcade games.

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  20. Science Reveals Secret to Winning “Rock, Paper, Scissors”

    Real talk: it's Jedi mind tricks. Always.

    Use this power wisely, young Padawan: researchers at Zhejiang University have devised a strategy for winning Rock-Paper-Scissors, and it's not just "leaving things up to chance." Prepare yourself to have a lot more influence, but be careful—power corrupts, and Rock-Paper-Scissors corrupts absolutely.

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