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United Nations

  1. Ebola Isn’t Going to Have a U.S. Outbreak, So Take Your Concern and Use It to Help Where It Is a Problem

    Don't panic.

    The first case of Ebola in the U.S. has been documented, but as Chinese state media has helpfully pointed out, Ebola is not a zombie plague. You, a citizen of the U.S. (or other developed nation) are not going to catch Ebola, nor is it going to become a major outbreak where you live. Instead, take that concern and help people who live where it is a problem.

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  2. 4chan Responds To Emma Watson’s U.N. Speech With #RIPEmmaWatson, Threats To Leak Nude Pictures

    I'm too sad for a Harry Potter reference. Way to go, Internet.

    This weekend, UN Goodwill Ambassador Emma Watson delivered an eloquent speech in support of the HeForShe campaign, a solidarity movement spreading the message that feminism is a human rights issue requiring the participation of all genders--and in a textbook example of why feminism isn't just a women's issue, 4chan's response to Watson's words was unsurprisingly terrible. Trigger warning for threats and general idiocy.

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  3. The UN Is Going To Debate The Merits Of Killer Robots Because Humanity Has A Death Wish

    Perhaps they think they're all going to look like Tricia Helfer?

    We already have terrifying robots in the world, ranging from the super-fast to the creepily uncanny. But you know what we don't have? Robots that can kill without a human telling them to first. Apparently the UN isn't cool with the whole "no killer robots" thing, because the issue is about to come up for debate. It was nice knowing all of you.

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  4. The United Nations Will Create an International Asteroid Warning Group to Protect the World from Devastation

    Presumably, this will unite all peoples within our nations.

    Like us, the United Nations also gets spooked by flying death rocks from space, and that's why they're moving forward with plans to create an International Asteroid Warning Group. The network of participating nations would let everyone know when there was an asteroid threat to the Earth and then launch a mission to ram it safely off course.

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  5. The UN Is Assembling a Team to Save Us From Killer Asteroids

    It Came From Outer Space

    Wrong franchise, Batfleck. You're not supposed to assemble. Now get out of here.

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  6. Malala Speaks At The UN: Refuses To Be Silenced After Taliban Attack

    Rights of Passage

    Malala Yousafzai is one impressive sixteen-year-old. First, she attends her school in Pakistan and campaigns for education, attracting the ire of the Taliban. Then, in October 2012 while she's leaving school, extremists shoot her in the head to silence her-- but she doesn't die, and she doesn't back down. Now, the teen is speaking to crowds at the UN on her birthday ("Malala Day") and is stronger than ever before, bearing the pink shawl of assassinated Pakistani leader Benazir Bhutto and standing tall before the leaders of the world.

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  7. Ron Paul Loses Disputes Over RonPaul.com and RonPaul.org, Found Guilty of Reverse Domain Name Hijacking

    Crotchety old man confused by Internet, film at 11.

    Ron Paul just can't win when it comes to the Internet, and really, it's his fault in the first place. First he asked the UN, an organization he notoriously does not like, to take the domain RonPaul.com from the huge supporter base that runs it so that he can have it. Now not only has the UN ruled in favor of those supporters, but they've also found Paul guilty of reverse domain name hijacking. Sucks to be you, Ron.

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  8. UN’s Moratorium on Killer Robots Sounds Funny; Is Actually Horrifying

    Fear is the Mind Killer

    A United Nations Human Rights Commission report out this week examines the current technological state of autonomous weapons. Not automatic weapons, to be clear: autonomous weapons. Computerized weapons that detect targets automatically and do not need the intervention of human input to dispense lethal force. Ha ha ha, I mean, come on, it's not like we have those already, right? And we're certainly not about to start building the Terminator or anything like it, right? Ha? Heh? Heh. No, seriously, please refute the things I have just said.

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  9. United States, Canada, and UK Refuse to Sign New United Nations Internet Treaty

    Delegates from 193 countries gathered in Dubai to revise a United Nations treaty controlling global telecom codes that hasn't been updated since 1988, well before the modern age of the Internet. That sounds incredibly dull and uninteresting, but the implications of the treaty could have a deep impact on the way the Internet is managed around the world. When a final version of the treaty was presented, the delegates from the United States, Canada, the United Kingdom, and other nations refused to sign it. So what did they find so objectionable?

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  10. United Nations Wants More Internet Surveillance Because of Terrorism, Naturally

    You might want to sit down. Are you sitting down? Okay, good. This might come as a shock, so brace yourselves: People use the Internet, and sometimes they might use it to conduct shady activities like, you know, terrorism. That's why the United Nations thinks we should identify Internet users before allowing them access. Also, social media is a haven for terrorists. In essence, the entire Internet might be harboring bad people, and needs to be watched more closely.

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