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  1. Texas School Suspends 9-Year Old for Threatening to Make Classmate Disappear With the One Ring

    There is only one Lord of the Ring, only one who can bend it to his will. And he does not share power.

    The boy's father assured officials that his son lacks the magical power to back up his statements. "He's a total squib."

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  2. Heroic Woman Inhales 144 Oz. of Steak In Under Twenty Minutes, Ron Swanson Hangs Head In Shame

    The people's chompion.

    Behold the beauty and wonder that is Nebraska native Molly Schuyler shredding two 72 oz. steaks and their accompanying sides in under twenty minutes.

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  3. So There’s a Gamergate-Backed Candidate Running For City Council In Texas Today

    Ahh, government!

    This Election Day, 28-year-old professional model and volunteer firefighter MacKenzie Kelly is running as the Republican candidate against five other opponents for city council in Austin's fairly suburban, white, and wealthy district 6. Her platform issues include lifting the ban on plastic bags, lowering the property tax, improving Austin's growing traffic congestion, and ethics in game journalism. No, seriously. That was not a meme joke. Kelly is actually a member of Gamergate.

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  4. 14-Year-Old Lived in Texas Walmart for Days by Building Secret Forts

    What? Was Costco closed?

    Anyone who's ever held a retail job is surely familiar with the concept of finding a convenient hiding place among boxes and camping out to avoid detection, but hiding in a store you're not being paid to occupy is a new one by me. A teenager in Texas did just that by building two secret forts in a Walmart and living there for four days before being detected. Maybe he was just waiting for someone else to start a Community-style box fort vs. pillow fort competition?

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  5. SpaceX Just Got FAA Approval for Its Very Own Spaceport in Texas!

    Well, Texas sure has enough space for it. Get it? OK, I'll stop.

    In today's edition of "Elon Musk is the Absolute Best," his commercial spaceflight company SpaceX just got approved for its very own Spaceport in Texas! That means that SpaceX will have a dedicated place to launch test vehicles, send supplies to the ISS, and keep pushing commercial spaceflight forward.

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  6. Family in Beeville, Texas Attacked by Swarm of Locusts—Just Kidding! It Was Bees

    "See, I told you we should have moved to Puppyville instead."

    There's trouble right here in Beeville, with a capital "T," and that rhymes with "B," and that stands for "bees." Which, you know, would seem pretty obvious considering the name of the town and the county and that it's located square in the middle of Bee County, Texas. You think maybe the town's founders were trying to tell us something here?

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  7. Things We Saw Today: We Found Carl

    Things We Saw Today

    Entertainment Weekly is here to let us know that The Walking Dead's Chandler Riggs has successfully navigated himself further through the treacherous shoals of puberty. (io9)

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  8. Two-Headed Turtle Born at San Antonio Zoo, Probably Not a Ninja

    And no, it's not an alien.

    On June 18th, the world's cutest little abomination was born at the San Antonio Zoo-- a female Texas cooter turtle with two heads. The zookeepers took advantage of the situation and gave the turtle the most novel name possible, Thelma and Louise. According to one of the zookeepers, the heads each have their own personality. One is very curious, the other very aggressive.

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  9. Amazon Reviewers Praise the Patriarchy-Busting Power of Wendy Davis’ Filibuster Shoes

    A Series of Fallopian Tubes

    Everyone's still buzzing over Texas State Senator Wendy Davis' epic filibuster in defense of a woman's right to choose. For good reason, too. I hope it proves to be something that people remember—and talk about, and teach their kids about—for decades to come. That enthusiasm has found a surprising outlet on the page for the bright red running shoes Davis wore while (literally) standing up for women's rights for a grueling 11 hours. Actually, no, it's not particularly surprising that people would leave reviews praising Mizuno Women's Wave Rider 16 Running Shoes for their ability to "outrun [the] patriarchy." This is the Internet, after all. But it's still fun.

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  10. Texas Senate Forgets Screen Caps Are a Thing, Tries to Rewrite History

    It all sort of unfolded like a George R.R. Martin novel, except the bill was the only thing that died.

    Did you miss last night's monumental Texas state senate filibuster debacle? Because the Internet didn't. Over 160,000 people tuned into a single Youtube livestream to watch the debacle that raged on in the Texas senate over a bill that would have wreaked havoc on abortion centers and reproductive health clinics in the state. Of course, that didn't stop GOP Senators from attempting to manipulate the senate record into reflecting the exact opposite of what actually happened. Silly senators. Don't you know by now that you can't pull one over on the Internet? And that those who tried will be publicly lashed for their troubles? Well, I suppose you do now.

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  11. Wendy Davis Filibusters Anti-Abortion Bill for 10 Hours Straight, Defeats It, Becomes Our Hero

    million dollar lady

    The Texan senate made headline news yesterday when Senator Wendy Davis, a Fort Worth Democrat, filibustered an anti-abortion bill for ten hours without pause, sitting, or leaning on her desk. The bill, which would serve to ban abortions 20 weeks after pregnancy and be some of the harshest abortion restrictions in the country, had been a priority of Governor Rick Perry's. With Davis' incredible filibustering and the support of pro-choice protesters, the vote was pushed into the late hours of the night, which became the early hours of the morning, and eventually blurred the line between whether or not voting took place before or after midnight-- a distinction which would define the success or failure of the legislation.

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  12. Woman Sets Snake on Fire, Snake Goes on to Set Woman’s House on Fire [Video]

    For today's lesson about cause and effect, we need only look to Bowie County in Texas, where the well-known conflict between woman and snake reared its ugly, flammable head yet again. This particular conflict involved a mowed lawn, gasoline, and a pile of brush. Oh yes, and fire. A Texan woman, you see, was startled by the presence of a snake and decided the best course of action would be to douse it and set it aflame. Whatever could go wrong?

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  13. Not How That Works! Man Tries to Impregnate Horse, Create Centaur in Worst Possible Way

    29-year-old Texas man Andrew Mendoza was arrested for having sex with his neighbor's horse after being stood up by his girlfriend. To make the story even worse, Mendoza told police he was trying to "make the horse have a baby," because he thought it would have a "horse-man baby." That, Mr. Mendoza, is not how you get a centaur.

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  14. Woman Buys iPad From Stranger at Gas Station, Surprised to Find Mirror Instead

    As a preface, let's just go ahead and say that if you buy anything from a random stranger at a gas station, you're pretty much asking for it. Strangers working the counter are okay, but if they pull up next to you and offer to sell you any kind of gadget, chances are they're not on the up and up. A Texas woman didn't necessarily think the same, and dropped $200 on what she thought was an iPad. Turns out, the "iPad" she bought was just a mirror with an Apple sticker on it.

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  15. You Can Take A Skyrim Class At A Texas University

    Here Be Dragons

    We had one comic book course when I went to college and I didn't even get to take it. Now one university in Texas is offering a course on The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim. Maybe I need to go back to school... 

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  16. Texas Highway Raises Speed Limit to National High 85 MPH

    They say everything is bigger in Texas. Well, as it turns out, pretty soon everything will be faster too. The Texas Transportation Commission has raised the speed limit on a single 41-mile stretch of highway from outside an Austin suburb to a highway near San Antonio to 85 miles per hour, the highest speed limit set in the country.

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  17. Boy Becomes Batman For A Day, Saves City of Arlington Repeatedly

    Every child wants to be a superhero at some point, but few actually get the opportunity to do it. Kye of Arlington, Texas, who suffers from leukemia, had the distinct good fortune of getting to be the caped crusader for a day and bringing two villains to justice. The stunt was organized by the nonprofit organization A Wish With Wings, which helped wrangle up some camera men, and the local police, who helped little Batman wrangle some baddies.

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  18. The Destructive Texas Tornadoes Spotted from Space

    The intense storm system that ravaged Texas earlier in the week, dropping a reported 15 tornados before finally dissipating, shocked viewers across the country as incredible footage of the storms dominated news coverage. Scienistists at the National Oceanica and Atmospheric Administration were watching too, and have released a video of the storms as seen from space using data from their Geostationary Operational Environmental Satellite 13 (GOES 13).

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  19. Texas Police Lose Control of Drone, Crashes Into Police Van

    While drones have been credited with much success overseas, even being used in an ongoing campaign in Pakistan, the use of unmanned aerial vehicles has remained limited here in the U.S.. Part of the reason for the hesitation to embrace the technology domestically was demonstrated recently in Texas when a prototype drone being used in a photo-op went hay-wire and crashed into a nearby police vehicle. Looks like we've got a while before Skynet takes out humanity.

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  20. Texas Abolishes Fancy Last Meal Requests for Death Row Inmates

    Yesterday, the prison system in Texas abolished the well-known tradition that death row inmates get a last meal request, replacing it with standard prison food. Back in 1998, white supremacist Lawrence Brewer killed James Byrd Jr., and was put to death on Wednesday. He requested a gluttonous, opulent meal for his last meal, consisting of a triple meat bacon cheeseburger, two chicken-fried steaks, a cheese omelet, a bowl of okra with ketchup, three fajitas, a pound of barbecue with half a loaf of white bread, a pint of ice cream, peanut butter fudge, and a meat lover's pizza. When his meal arrived, he rejected it, claiming that he wasn't hungry. Seemingly, this prompted State Senator John Whitmire to write a letter to prison officials threatening that legislation would be enacted if the tradition of last meals wasn't put to an end. Executive director of the Texas Department of Criminal Justice, Brad Livingston, agreed with Whitmire, and said the tradition would be put to an end, replacing the fancy last meals with regular prison food.

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