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  1. Moron Fakes Own Kidnapping to Extort $2,000 Out of His (Probably Now Ex-) Girlfriend

    From a 9-year-old Philadelphia girl who feigned being abducted in an effort to get her tardies to class excused to an eleven-year-old Spanish boy who faked his own kidnapping to derail a parent-teacher conference, it's been a big week for faked kidnappings. That means you'd have to be pretty exceptionally dumb or tasteless to really make news by faking your own kidnapping. With that in mind, we would like to issue a big "come on down" to 31-year-old Mark Rodriguez of Wallkill, New York, a grown man who faked his own kidnapping in an attempt to ransom himself back to his girlfriend for $2,000.

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  2. Washington Man Threatens To Shoot Up Schools If Gun Rights Are Restricted, Gets Arrested

    In stunningly clear object lesson on "Things Not To Do, EVER," World's Least Classy Total Idiot candidate Korry Martinson has turned himself into police who had been searching for him all weekend. Just hours after Friday's horrific shooting in Connecticut, Martinson, 19, allegedly put up a Facebook post thanking the shooter for his actions and threatening to "go shoot up every school in a 100 mile radius" if he felt that the tragedy affected his rights as a gun owner. Now, KOMO News is reporting that Martinson, who was at best drastically overestimating the popular sense of humor level over Friday's shooting, has been arrested on charges of felony harassment for the threat. You can see a screenshot of the alleged post below, but if you're among the many folks who are still kind of reeling from this one, be advised: it makes for exceedingly unpleasant reading.

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  3. Ambulance Booted While Responding to Medical Emergency, Confirms People Are Just Awful

    If there's one thing folks usually recognize as being important and worth their respect, it's emergency vehicles. If an ambulance or fire engine is careening down the street with its lights on, chances are that the driver is responding to some kind of kerfuffle. It's pretty unlikely that they're just flicking switches because they feel like it. The same goes for when an ambulance is parked with its lights going. That didn't stop one particularly vigilant New Orleans convenient store from booting an ambulance yesterday, though.

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  4. Man Starts Fire In Yard, Clobbers Firefighter With Shovel For Trying To Put It Out

    If you're most people, when a firefighter shows up to extinguish a blaze on your property, your first instinct would be to thanks them -- not to hit them with a shovel. It just goes to show that 44-year-old Floridian Gregory Sean Turner is not most people. Turner was arrested earlier this week on charges of Aggravated Battery on a Firefighter with a Deadly Weapon (Shovel) and Preventing or Obstructing Extinguishment of a Fire. That's a rap sheet we'd really like to think is unique, but being that this is Florida...we just can't assume that's the case.

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  5. Robber Returns to Bank After Realizing Teller Failed to Give Him Demanded Amount

    The Internet is full of stories about the stupidity of bank robbers, and now we can add one more to the pile. After robbing Alliance Bank in Syracuse, New York on Monday, Arthur Bundrage walked away with his spoils. He quickly discovered that the teller hadn't done what he asked, though. Bundrage had demanded $20,000, and the teller refused before handing over some cash, but it wasn't the requested $20,000. Like any good bank robber would, he promptly returned to the scene of the crime to get the rest.

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  6. Meaning of Cloud Computing Unclear to Totally Depressing Percentage of Americans

    In news that makes this reporter really sad to have used up his allotted "____, how do they work?" joke for the day, a startlingly vast number of American citizens have no idea what "the cloud" is or what is does to make their lives easier. What proportion of people, for example, believe that the cloud is "a computer network to store, access and share data from Internet-connected devices?" 16%. Yup. 16%. Compare that to 29% of the 1,006 adult American citizens who vote and drive cars and sit next to you at work everyday and make, like, real serious decisions that affect your life and mine who believe that the cloud is "...either an actual cloud (specifically a “fluffy white thing”), the sky or something related to the weather." More utterly sad and frankly troubling statistics from this survey available after the jump, which you can read whenever you're done striking your head against your desk at a great velocity.

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  7. Dell Marketers Arrested For Fake Hostage Crisis

    Way up there with shouting "fire!" in a theater is what two Dell marketing employees decided to do: take an office hostage to promote the release of a new product. From a local report:

    A person dressed as a biker in all black with a black mask was on the sales floor of Building 1carrying two metallic objects and telling people to "go to the lobby," according to Round Rock Police.
    Of course, the two forward-thinking marketing geniuses behind the stunt didn't tell anyone about their plan. Someone, rightly panicked, called the cops and one thing lead to another. The two men behind the stunt were arrested, and, thankfully, none of the 400 employees were hurt in th confusion. But what caused this blunder? A revolutionary innovation that demands the attention of America?
    The spokesman would not say what the new product was but a source inside dell says it was for the new Dell Streak tablet which can interface with Harley-Davidson Motorcycles. Police say it's a miracle none of the 400 people in the building were hurt.
    All that for a weird, fringe tie-in? That's like sinking the Lucitania to demonstrate the water resistant staining on the shuffleboard court. Smarten up, marketers. (KXAN via MSNBC via TechDirt)

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