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  1. Priest Receiving Texts From Demon With Apparently Great Phone Plan

    If you say Siri's name three times in the dark, all your contacts will be deleted. Truth.

    After unsuccessfully performing an exorcism on a woman he believes to be possessed, Polish Priest Marian Rajchel told The Daily Mail that the demon in question is now harassing him via text. But that's clearly ridiculous, right? Reception is way too bad in Hell.

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  2. Church of England May Soon Allow Female Bishops

    Stain glassed ceilings, your end is nigh.

    This Monday the Church of England's General Synod may pass a vote which would see the Church welcome its first female bishops by the end of the year--possible progress that Queen Elizabeth's Chaplain Rose Hudson-Wilkin says would be "seismic."

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  3. We’re Sending A Bunch Of Super-Important Cultural Artifacts To The Moon, You Know, Just In Case

    So that means they're including Pacific Rim, right?

    If you've ever watched any film set in the (not-so) distant future, you'll know that Earth is headed for a swift downfall, usually involving darkness, rain, and killer robots. To safeguard the best of our planet against our eventual slide into dystopia, we've decided to send a bunch of our important cultural artifacts to the moon. Just in case.

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  4. People Who Pray for Their Romantic Partners Are Way More Committed to Keeping Them Around

    In a related story, the sky is blue and the Pope is Catholic.

    Today in "news that's actually kind of obvious," a study published in the Journal of Family Psychology claims that people who pray for their significant others are usually more committed to them. Unless you're a female mantis, of course. Then, you're probably about to kill yours.

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  5. Neil deGrasse Tyson Will Speak During Omaha’s Pastafarian Conference

    That's some bad hat, Neil.

    Noted astrophysicist, Director of the Hayden Planetarium, and host of Cosmos Neil deGrasse Tyson will be speaking during the Omaha Pastafarian conference "Apostacon" this September. Allow us to explain what that is and why we've photoshopped a colander on Tyson's head.

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  6. Paramount Warns People That Noah May Not Be Biblically Accurate

    Yeah, I thought Hermione was only in the New Testament.

    Apparently Paramount has entirely renounced hope that Darren Aronofsky's beleaguered Bible epic Noah will be popular with Christian audiences. Yesterday the studio preempted expected religious outrage by releasing a statement warning conservatives to please not freak out, but the movie won't be 100% Biblically accurate.

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  7. The Internet Is a Gift From God, You Guys. The Pope Says So

    That God guy just has to take credit for everything, huh?

    Pope Francis has been known to say crazy things, like how he doesn't need to talk about abortion and gay marriage all the time and that non-believers just need to try to obey their conscience. Madness. Now he's saying that the Internet is a gift from God, which makes me wonder if he's ever actually been on the Internet.

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  8. Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. Draws Ire From Hindu Group

    old gods do new jobs

    Two weeks ago, Marvel's Agents of SHIELD produced an Asgardian-themed Thor: The Dark World tie in episode in which a character mused that if the Asgardian gods had turned out to be real aliens, whether other belief systems might also have extraterrestrial origin, adding "Vishnu for sure, right?" While I myself wasn't certain whether I'd forgotten some relevant detail about Hinduism since my middle school days that would make that a cleverer joke or the creators merely picked a deity name out of a hat, the Universal Society of Hinduism takes issue with the insinuation.

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  9. Yom Kippur Begins Tonight, So Atone For Your Sins With the eScapegoat

    It's okay to slaughter a goat if it's not actually real, right?

    Did you guys know that the word "scapegoat" comes from the ancient Hebrew tradition of transferring your sins to a goat and then sacrificing it as an offering during the Day of Atonement? That's probably illegal now, so if you want to celebrate Yom Kippur right, you should probably transfer your sins to this fictional Internet goat instead.

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  10. New Pope Announces Papacy Via Twitter, Enables Cruise Control for Cool

    The Holy Smoke Monster has spoken! Rather, the white smoke issuing from the Sistine Chapel announced that a new Pope has been chosen. But more importantly, the Bishop of Rome and successor of Saint Peter has returned to Twitter -- the modern-day proverbial mountain from which all things are shouted. And shout Pope Francis I does, with ALL CAPS, in tweet #1.

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