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Microsoft

  1. Microsoft Unveils Windows 10 as Free Upgrade for Windows 7 & 8.1, Desktop Cortana Voice Control

    So many Windows!

    "Forget 9! Ten is where it's at! Just look at Apple! Now we both have OS X!" [Citation needed.]

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  2. Minority Report Is Coming True, Microsoft Wants Stores to use Kinect to Recognize Shoppers

    "My my. This is the third time you've been to GameStop this wee—" SHUTTUP.

    Minority Report is coming true because of Kinect! ...Is not just a headline from when the Kinect originally debuted wacky hand-waving controls back in 2010, but is a real thing that's happening again as Microsoft encourages retail stores to electronically recognize customers using the gaming peripheral which most gamers don't really want.

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  3. New Microsoft Browser Codenamed “Spartan” Is Reportedly Killing Internet Explorer

    Internet Explorer has encountered an error and needs to close. Forever.

    Because so many people are terribly unhappy with Chrome, Firefox, and Safari, Microsoft is hard at work on an Internet Explorer reboot under a different name. Maybe it'll get a new, gritty origin story about avenging the original IE's death!

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  4. Xbox Live and PlayStation Network Attacks, Outages Continue to Ruin Christmas

    Meanwhile, my Nintendo 64 works just fine. Just saying.

    Christmas is canceled. Well, if you got an Xbox or PlayStation console, it might feel that way. Both systems' online gaming networks are still experiencing trouble today after they were downed yesterday by "hackers."

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  5. Microsoft Now Accepts Bitcoin for Xbox Games and More Whether You Know What That Means or Not

    It's OK. You're not alone.

    That Bitcoin thing you keep hearing about but still don't exactly understand (just a guess) keeps expanding, and now Microsoft will let you use it to buy video games if you live in the US.

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  6. The Mary Sue’s Holiday Gift Guide, Part 3: Games & Tech!

    No matter what one-liners may have you believe, playtime is never over. So, we've got a great selection of games and electronics gift ideas for Part 3 of this year's holiday gift guide!

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  7. Microsoft Killing Clip Art Because No One Uses It, Instead Suggests Bing Image Search Which People Totally Use

    No, not Clippy. Clip ART. Calm down.

    If Microsoft kills Clip Art on the Internet and no one is around to hear it, does it make a—wow, that sounds way darker than intended. No wonder Clippy looks so concerned.

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  8. The Mary Sue’s Halo: The Master Chief Collection Giveaway!

    We'll help you be the master, chief.

    There's no place for some good old-fashioned shoot-everything-that-moves-until-it-no-longer-moves gameplay like Halo, so we've got your back! No, really. We have a backpack full of Halo gear for you to win including a copy of Master Chief Collection for Xbox One. Let's finish this fight!

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  9. Sunset Overdrive Is Free Tomorrow for Xbox Live Gold Members to Celebrate Xbox One’s Birthday

    Isn't it traditional to receive gifts on one's—you know what? Nevermind.

    The Xbox One got you a gift to celebrate its first birthday! Shh, it's young and doesn't know how birthdays work. Nobody correct it, and maybe we can get gifts like this every year.

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  10. Microsoft Deploys Freaking Dalek Security Robots, Never Has to Worry About Theft Again

    "Do you validate parking?" "VAL-I-DATE! VAL-I-DAAAAAATE!"

    Wow. I wish Microsoft took personal computer security as seriously as they clearly do in the physical world at their offices. Their Silicon Valley campus now has five security robots that look frighteningly like Daleks. Leave it to a bunch of nerds to assume the appearance of a Dalek will strike fear into the hearts of criminals.

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