I know what you're thinking. "Oh, dear God, why." That is an excellent place to start from. Unfortunately, that's just the start. H&G
is, quite obvious to anyone who has so much as seen a billboard for it, DOA. This is not the part that is interesting; plenty of dead cinematic bodies show up in theaters every year, increasingly so in the empty, hollow months just following award-season cutoff. What is interesting is why such an obviously cold cadaver is showing up at all, even metaphorically. Such a crime of film is as apparent as any corporeal evidence; we cluster around the edges of the taped-off scene muttering amongst ourselves, 'why, why did this happen?'
So, in the spirit of continued analogy, I am here to perform an autopsy on the long-dead corpse of Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters
. This procedure is not due to a genetic lack of the “fun” gland in this anatomist’s body. On the contrary, “fun” is what Hansel & Gretel
could have used a good deal more of, and what it so agonizingly lacks.
(Contained therein are a few spoilers. How much one might care about them we leave entirely to the reader’s discretion.)