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What's with the name?

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government

Officially Official

CIA Finally Admits Area 51 Is Actually A Thing In Declassified Report

Conspiracy theorists everywhere are having a party right now, shouting and throwing their tinfoil hats to the sky in celebration: a recently declassified CIA report acknowledges Area 51 is, in fact, an official thing.

Want to know more about one of the most mysterious locales in the United States? Head under the cut!

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I will make it legal!

The United States Government Admits Gamers Are Pro Athletes

Thanks to Riot Games eSports manager Nick Allen, the United States officially sees gamers as pro athletes. Don’t get too excited, this probably doesn’t apply to you.

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The Boob Tube

FCC Isn’t Sure How to Censor Television Anymore, Wants Our Advice

The Federal Communications Commission wants a piece of our minds. I suggest you keep your use of profanity to the minimum.

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Officially Official

Julia Pierson to be Named First Female Director of the American Secret Service

In something of breaking news this afternoon, the White House has announced that they will be announcing (I guess this only a little bit like putting out a trailer for your trailer) a new director of the Secret Service, to replace director Mark Sullivan, who announced his resignation last month. That new director will be Julia Pierson, currently the Secret Service’s chief of staff, and the promotion will make her the first woman in history to hold that position.

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Dammit Jim!

IRS Goes Where No One Has Gone Before, Uses Tax Payer Money To Pay For Star Trek Spoof

It appears there’s no sign of intelligent life at the Internal Revenue Service. They created Star Trek and Gilligan’s Island spoofs that cost tax payers $60,000. 

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Girls Just Wanna Have Fun

Why Did Hillary Clinton’s State Department Team Edit Bindi Irwin’s Essay On Overpopulation?

Bindi Irwin, the daughter of the late wildlife expert Steve Irwin, has made quite a name for herself over the last few years. She sings, she acts, and yes, she has a great interest in animals and the environment. She was recently asked to contribute to Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s site but supposedly had her essay edited so heavily, she asked them to remove it from publication. What gives? 

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And Now For Something Completely Different

U.S. Government Removes Airport “Pornoscanners,” Proves It Can, If It Wants, Deal With Privacy Better Than Facebook

Those controversial airport X-Ray machines known colloquially as “pornoscanners” are going the way of being able to take bottles of water through security.

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the internet is serious business

The White House Is Sick Of Your Joke Petitions, Quadruples the Number of Signatures Required for an Official Response

Attention, American public: The White House has seen your petitions about building a Death Star, investigating the feasibility of building the Enterprise, and giving each state an official Pokémon. In one case they even responded in a particularly awesome way. But now they have another message for you: Cut it out, guys. It’s getting tired.

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I will make it legal!

Star Wars’ Empire Strikes Back At U.S. Government Death Star Petition Refusal

We were perfectly content, nay, tickled pink by the response the Unites States government issued after a petition to get them to build a Death Star warranted an official statement be made. Never did we expect the Empire to issue their own response. You’ll probably want to read this… 

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I will make it legal!

So We’re Not Getting A Death Star But We Can Confirm We Have The Geekiest Administration In History

We already knew President Barack Obama was a nerd but this…this solidifies his place in our intergalactic records. Remember when we reported on that petition someone started to get the United States government to fund the building of a Death Star ala Star Wars? We all had a good laugh, knew it wouldn’t happen, and assumed they wouldn’t even get a response. They did. While it may not be the one petitioners were hoping for, it’s probably the single best response to anything, ever. 

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