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Florida

  1. Florida Adds Zombie Apocalypse Amendment, Maybe Knows Something We Don’t

    I assume it includes instructions on how to drive over to Mum's and "take care" of Phillip.

    There are hordes of undead monsters coming for your delicious brains. Where did they all come from? Who do you blame? Right: Florida. So, a Florida State Senator has added language to an existing bill that makes provisions to include a zombie apocalypse. That's good. The first step is admitting you have a problem.

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  2. Florida School Won’t Serve Kids Mountain Dew Before Tests… Anymore

    Come on, Florida. It's too early in the day for headlines like this.

    Creel Elementary School in Florida has had a long-running program to get kids excited about taking the standardized Florida Comprehensive Assessment Test. This includes urging students to sleep well the night before, wear comfy clothes, and eat a well balanced breakfast—before being served some Mountain Dew pre-test to really get them going.

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  3. Forever 21 Store in Florida Robbed by a Werewolf

    Confessions of a shopaholic: I devour vagrants by the railroad tracks when the moon is full. No one can know.

    Late last Saturday a Forever 21 in Orlando was robbed by a werewolf (or possibly a regular human wearing a mask). Luckily for the inherent comedic possibilities of this story, no customers, employees, or backless sundresses were harmed.

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  4. Tampa Police Say: Don’t Report Undercooked Waffles To 911

    It's still the most important meal of the day though

    A Florida woman dialed 911 to report being served "raw waffles," and the tape of the surreal call is now being used by Tampa Police as a lesson on when to use emergency services. Warning: although not as depressing as most 911 tapes, it'll probably make you crave some brinner.

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  5. Man Gets Hideous Spider Tattoo On His Face To Overcome His Arachnophobia

    Because that's how psychology works, I guess?

    Like many of us--myself included--Eric Rico Ortiz is scared of spiders. Luckily, the 24 year old from Florida (shocker) devised an innovative way to force himself to overcome the common phobia: by getting a massive black widow tattooed on his right cheek.

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  6. Teachers in Florida Legally Allowed to Be Drunk at Work

    I knew I should have stayed home today.

    If you want a job with a summer vacation but don't have any actual interest in children's well fare, good news! In Florida, teachers aren't legally prohibited from getting drunk on the job. Good luck, future generations of the Sunshine State, you never had a chance.

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  7. Florida Town Names Vanilla Ice Citizen Of The Year

    Yo, Model Citizen, let's kick it!

    On February 26th Wellington, Florida will name Rob Van Winkle, AKA rapper turned real estate mogul and Kraft enthusiast Vanilla Ice, with an Outstanding Citizen of The Year Award for his "spirit of giving and dedication." Ice is, indeed, working it.

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  8. Reserve Now If You Want To Dine At A Florida Mcdonald’s Tonight

    The perfect way to show someone you'll love them!

    If you're sick of the demanding consumerism that comes with celebrating the people you love today, Ernesto Izquierdo works at a Mcdonald's in Tampa and totally gets it. Thankfully she got her restaurant to take reservations tonight, so we can all celebrate love on the cheap. Yes, it's the most Florida thing ever--but isn't it also kind of sweet?

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  9. Miami Is Full Of Foot-Long Giant African Land Snails

    They'll give you one shell of a scare.

    As any Will Smith fan knows, Miami has a lot to offer: It's got half-dressed ladies, the hottest night clubs, and, apparently, a rapidly growing population of hermaphroditic foot-long bully snails. They're called Giant African Land Snails, and when you see them, run the other way.

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  10. There Has Been a Monkey Theft, Which We Wish Was as Adorable as It Sounds

    Call the monkey police! They'd ride in on mini motorcycles with their little monkey badges. Aww.

    Fortunately, this monkey theft does not involve a monkey stealing from people, since that would be really hard to prosecute, because monkeys are the best. No, this involves the much more unusual act of a teenager actually stealing monkeys from someone. He also stole parrots, too. This kid really has a thing for animals that can do people stuff.

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