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Florida

  1. Zombie Cat Bursts Forth From The Grave After Dying

    In Florida, of course.

    Bart the cat was much-beloved by his family—which is why it was so tragic when he passed away after being hit by a car. Or so we all thought.

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  2. Florida Homeowners Association Demands Removal Of Fan Made TARDIS From Driveway

    Right, sorry. I'll just step inside this police box and arrest myself.

    But where else are you supposed to park your TARDIS, Florida? On the street?

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  3. Things We Saw Today: The Hall of Lady Heroes

    NEED

    Toronto-based illustrator Scott Park created this amazing look at "80 of the most butt-kicking awesome women from tv and film." You can grab a print on Society6!

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  4. Why The “Third Boob Lady” Hoax Is Still Incredibly Compelling

    Surprise! We made a dumb internet prank about feminism.

    Yesterday the story of Jasmine Tridevil, a Florida woman who reportedly had a third breast augmented onto her body through plastic surgery, went viral all over the Internet yesterday. It's totally made up, of course. But something about Tridevil's made-up reasons for getting the made-up surgery rang surprisingly true for us.

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  5. Reminder That the Ocean Is Full of Horrors: Watch a Giant Fish Swallow a Shark

    Point made already, Qui-Gon, jeez.

    What's that, Jaws? Don't go in the water? Yeah, that's pretty solid advice when you consider that somewhere under that water are fish that can eat sharks in a single bite. I think he was trying to send these fishing humans a message: get out of my house.

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  6. Badass 9-Year-Old Wins Fight With 400-Pound Alligator, Takes Tooth as Trophy

    "You should see the other guy."

    A story that easily could have ended in tragedy last week took a surprising turn when a 9-year-old boy fought off an alligator that was actively trying to eat him. Seriously, it left a tooth behind in one of the wounds the Florida child sustained, which he's going to keep and make into a necklace as a conversation piece/get-out-of-bullying-for-life card.

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  7. Florida Adds Zombie Apocalypse Amendment, Maybe Knows Something We Don’t

    I assume it includes instructions on how to drive over to Mum's and "take care" of Phillip.

    There are hordes of undead monsters coming for your delicious brains. Where did they all come from? Who do you blame? Right: Florida. So, a Florida State Senator has added language to an existing bill that makes provisions to include a zombie apocalypse. That's good. The first step is admitting you have a problem.

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  8. Florida School Won’t Serve Kids Mountain Dew Before Tests… Anymore

    Come on, Florida. It's too early in the day for headlines like this.

    Creel Elementary School in Florida has had a long-running program to get kids excited about taking the standardized Florida Comprehensive Assessment Test. This includes urging students to sleep well the night before, wear comfy clothes, and eat a well balanced breakfast—before being served some Mountain Dew pre-test to really get them going.

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  9. Forever 21 Store in Florida Robbed by a Werewolf

    Confessions of a shopaholic: I devour vagrants by the railroad tracks when the moon is full. No one can know.

    Late last Saturday a Forever 21 in Orlando was robbed by a werewolf (or possibly a regular human wearing a mask). Luckily for the inherent comedic possibilities of this story, no customers, employees, or backless sundresses were harmed.

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  10. Tampa Police Say: Don’t Report Undercooked Waffles To 911

    It's still the most important meal of the day though

    A Florida woman dialed 911 to report being served "raw waffles," and the tape of the surreal call is now being used by Tampa Police as a lesson on when to use emergency services. Warning: although not as depressing as most 911 tapes, it'll probably make you crave some brinner.

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  11. Man Gets Hideous Spider Tattoo On His Face To Overcome His Arachnophobia

    Because that's how psychology works, I guess?

    Like many of us--myself included--Eric Rico Ortiz is scared of spiders. Luckily, the 24 year old from Florida (shocker) devised an innovative way to force himself to overcome the common phobia: by getting a massive black widow tattooed on his right cheek.

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  12. Teachers in Florida Legally Allowed to Be Drunk at Work

    I knew I should have stayed home today.

    If you want a job with a summer vacation but don't have any actual interest in children's well fare, good news! In Florida, teachers aren't legally prohibited from getting drunk on the job. Good luck, future generations of the Sunshine State, you never had a chance.

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  13. Florida Town Names Vanilla Ice Citizen Of The Year

    Yo, Model Citizen, let's kick it!

    On February 26th Wellington, Florida will name Rob Van Winkle, AKA rapper turned real estate mogul and Kraft enthusiast Vanilla Ice, with an Outstanding Citizen of The Year Award for his "spirit of giving and dedication." Ice is, indeed, working it.

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  14. Reserve Now If You Want To Dine At A Florida Mcdonald’s Tonight

    The perfect way to show someone you'll love them!

    If you're sick of the demanding consumerism that comes with celebrating the people you love today, Ernesto Izquierdo works at a Mcdonald's in Tampa and totally gets it. Thankfully she got her restaurant to take reservations tonight, so we can all celebrate love on the cheap. Yes, it's the most Florida thing ever--but isn't it also kind of sweet?

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  15. Miami Is Full Of Foot-Long Giant African Land Snails

    They'll give you one shell of a scare.

    As any Will Smith fan knows, Miami has a lot to offer: It's got half-dressed ladies, the hottest night clubs, and, apparently, a rapidly growing population of hermaphroditic foot-long bully snails. They're called Giant African Land Snails, and when you see them, run the other way.

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  16. There Has Been a Monkey Theft, Which We Wish Was as Adorable as It Sounds

    Call the monkey police! They'd ride in on mini motorcycles with their little monkey badges. Aww.

    Fortunately, this monkey theft does not involve a monkey stealing from people, since that would be really hard to prosecute, because monkeys are the best. No, this involves the much more unusual act of a teenager actually stealing monkeys from someone. He also stole parrots, too. This kid really has a thing for animals that can do people stuff.

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  17. Possible Computer Glitch Causes All Doors in Florida Prison to Open

    I hate to be a luddite but whatever happened to old fashioned bars and locks?

    Say what you want about the Florida justice and penal systems, but... well, yeah, say what you want, because they're both awful. Especially at the Turner Guilford Knight Correctional Center in Miami, where all the cell doors opened for no reason. In other news, this absolutely happened in a Dave Barry novel once. I'm pretty sure it was Big Trouble.

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  18. There’s a The Hunger Games-Themed Summer Camp in Florida

    May the Odds Be Ever in Your Favor

    So. Country Day School in Largo, Florida hosts a week-long Hunger Games tournament where bloodthirsty tykes complete to kill one ano–I'm sorry, to "gain lives" by collecting flags from each other. Also, exchanges like this take place:
    "I don't want to kill you," [Rylee Miller, 12] told Julianna Pettey. Julianna, also 12, looked her in the eye. "I will probably kill you first," she said. She put her hands on Rylee's shoulders. "I might stab you."
    OK, Lisa Gartner of the Tampa Bay Times. Explain this one to me.

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  19. Whoops! Florida May Have Accidentally Banned All Computers And Smartphones

    Oh, Florida -- how are we supposed to keep up with your hilarious antics if you can't access Twitter anymore?

    Well, this is embarrassing. A new bill passed by the Florida legislature and signed into law by Governor Rick Scott may have the unintentional consequence of outlawing all computers and smartphones throughout the state. While it seems like this could just be a hassle for folks in Florida, it's actually a national tragedy -- after all, with Florida gone from the Internet, how are the rest of us supposed to laugh at the cockroach-eating, firefighter-assaulting antics of the Sunshine State? We'll have to find a whole new state we can all agree to make fun of! Actually, that shouldn't be too hard. Lace up your cleats, Oregon -- you're going in!

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  20. One in Three Designated Drivers Apparently Don’t Understand What Designated Drivers Are

    In other news, don't trust anyone ever. And maybe just drink at home alone, as God intended.

    In a study conducted by the University of Floridaa whopping 35 percent of designated drivers were found to have some amount of alcohol in their systems, and most of those had imbibed enough to impair their driving.  Remember, though, this was done in Florida, so maybe take the study with a grain of salt, followed by a shot of Cuervo and squirt of lime juice. It is my understanding that many Florida residents operate at a base level of intoxication for much of the time so that they can survive living in the state in the first place. Maybe their designated drivers are all able to adapt to high blood alcohol levels easier than mere mortals like us? Yeah, probably not.

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