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And So It Begins

Nevermind, Hollywood, Just Keep Making Sequels: Movie About Olympic Swimmer Raised By Whales is Greenlit

by Susana Polo | 4:14 pm, August 28th, 2012


It’s pretty easy to make fun of Hollywood for making nothing but sequels, adaptations, and remakes lately. After all, it’s pretty clear that that’s where the big money is being spent. Just look at the movies that made it into our End-of-Summer Round Up: franchise movies like The Avengers, The Dark Knight Rises, Prometheus and Men in Black III, reboots like The Amazing Spider-Man and Total Recall, and a slew of movies based on licensed products or previously told stories like Battleship, Snow White and the Huntsman and Dark Shadows. The only fully original film there is Brave.

But if this is what we get when Hollywood reaches around for an original idea… how about we just keep making those Spider-Man reboots, huh?

According to The Hollywood Reporter, Jon Turteltaub, producer and director behind such gems as The Kid, Phenomenon, The Sorcerer’s Apprentice, and National Treasure, has been given the go-ahead to put Beached into production.

Beached centers on a chubby 4-year-old child who falls overboard during a family outing, is raised by whales and goes on to become an Olympic swimmer.

See, the kid is chubby. So the whales think it’s one of their own.

Listen, Hollywood. Here’s a good litmus test for you. If the plot of your movie sounds like it would fit right in among the fake trailers at the beginning of Tropic Thunder, maybe don’t make it? The project has been in pre-production limbo already for more than a decade. You should have been pulling the plug. Instead you got out the defibrillation paddles, and now you’re going to shove this zombified whale movie all the way into theaters.

You know what? Just make a zombie whale movie.

(via The A.V. Club.)

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  • Anonymous

    filed under things that make me sad

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100003137988874 Elani Temperance

    This sounds like a very, very, very bad idea.

  • Anonymous

    …I just read an awesome scifi novel series…why can’t someone approach that author with a movie idea?! Srsly Hollywood, wevs.

  • Nick Gaston

    Eh…take a ball-peen to the concept in a few spots, and Pixar could make it work.

  • http://twitter.com/Merito_CD Not Prince Charles

    Sounds about as good as ‘Branded’ being released next month, which they’ve just now started doing TV sports for. Branded, about how our favorite brands are now alien like mind control devices, and only one man can see them connected to your brain stem. A subtle message movie that’s about as subtle as the Toyota Prius product placement in Warehouse 13.

  • Adam R. Charpentier

    Someone submitted this idea as a joke and has since joined the guy who submitted “comedy set in a Nazi prison camp” in a club.

  • http://twitter.com/AlexisTalbot Alexis Talbot

    Please…please, no…Please don’t torture us. If only Hollywood could just adopt some good script ideas.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000120726961 Tim W Burke

    Is this a Will Farrell or a Rob Schneider?

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