Hey, remember when people still really liked voting for President Obama? The White House sure does. They’re trying to capture the democratic magic once again, but since Obama’s not up for re-election, they want you to vote for your favorite Thanksgiving turkey. Because there’s nothing else that needs solving in America right now. Yup.
Now, let me be clear (on a side note, how many of you guys read that in Obama’s voice? All of you? Good) — this isn’t a vote for which turkey gets to live. Both turkeys will be pardoned this year as part of the annual White House Thanksgiving tradition. In fact, there’s usually an understudy turkey in place just in case the first one freaks out and they can’t get any good photo-op pictures, and both turkeys get to survive the day. Not that getting pardoned actually guarantees them long and happy lives or anything, as we now know, but neither of these two gobblers are going to get axed in the name of Thanksgiving-related gluttony.
Instead, the “National Thanksgiving Turkey Pardon” competition is about deciding which turkey is more… better? More American, maybe? by using an arbitrary set of data and choosing your favorite. The website — which, unlike some other extremely important government websites that affect the lives of millions, actually works — gives a brief profile of the two turkeys, Caramel and Popcorn. Apparently Caramel is taller and struts at a more steady, deliberate pace, but Popcorn’s favorite food is corn, so it’s really anyone’s game.
You can also listen to their gobbles on Soundcloud, because of course you can.
The final kicker? This is not even the first time they’ve done this. Last year the White House also held a vote, between two turkeys named Cobbler and Gobbler. (They’re both totally dead now, by the way.) There’s even a record of Obama’s turkey-related speech on the White House website. He said that “for the first time in our history, the winners of the White House Turkey Pardon were chosen through a highly competitive online vote.” Like it’s this big exciting thing and not a completely ridiculous popularity contest between turkeys. Listen, we’re all about letting loose and having fun, but is this really the best idea you all could come up with? Because it’s kind of bonkers.
If this is an outcome that you truly care about, then we’re sorry for what must be your sad, miserable existence. Also, you have until 8pm ET today to cast your ballot, and can use the hashtags #TeamCaramel or #TeamPopcorn to announce your decision on Twitter. Me, I’m going for #TeamPopcorn. He just seems like he has better taste in music.
(via The White House)
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- Happy Batsgiving, everybody!