Everyone knows the dinosaurs are the good guys in the Jurassic Park movies. I was going to use “Thor Chosen As Jurassic World Villain” as the title here because this actor kindasorta did play him in a movie once, but I decided that it would be too cruel to build up your Chris Hemsworth-shaped hopes like that. I have to space those shenanigans out for maximum effectiveness.
So, which actor will be the Jurassic World baddie? Have you figured it out? It’s….
[Edited to add (rumored) character information.]
Vincent D’onofrio! Who didn’t so much play Thor in Adventures in Babysitting as he played someone who looked like and was mistaken for Thor. It happens, especially when you sport these luxurious locks. Deadline has announced that D’onofrio will play the villain in Jurassic World, someone who (presumably) dares to think mankind can control dinosaurs and then gets eaten by one for his hubris. Or eaten by several. I’m not picky. The fact that the same guy who played the Men in Black villain is playing the Jurassic World villain makes my childhood feel complete, somehow.
Also joining Bryce Dallas Howard, Chris Pratt, and Ty Simpkins in an unspecified role is Indian actor Irrfan Khan, who’s had supporting roles in The Darjeeling Limited, Slumdog Millionaire, Life of Pi, and The Amazing Spider-Man. In the last one he played Dr. Rajit Ratha. Hopefully Jurassic World won’t drop his character halfway through.
Update: We have character details! Or potential ones, at least. According to The Wrap Khan will play Patel, “the billionaire owner of a new Jurassic Park,” and D’onofrio “will play the CFO of the Patel Corporation who projects the image of a normal family man to mask a hidden edge.”
But… and it pains me to say this… all is not rainbows and happy dinosaurs and the casting of good actors in Jurassic Worldland. Get your Kleenex, ’cause Jeff Goldblum isn’t coming back. In an interview with The Huffington Post Goldblum confirmed that he’s in talks for the Independence Day sequels, which meshes with what we’ve heard before. But, as for Jurassic World: “They haven’t called me for 4.” Sam Neill has said something similar, adding that “I think there’s a whole new cast and a whole new look at things.” This isn’t exactly a surprise, but the lack of Jeff Goldblum in any movie always hurts.
We have to look at the silver lining here, readers. It’s time to let a new Jurassic Park incarnation have its time in the spotlight, and how could anyone pay proper attention to Pratt, Howard, D’onofrio, or any of the rest of ’em with Dr. Ian “glistening torso” Malcom or Dr. Alan “sexy dad jeans” Grant there?
We’ll get through this. Because we have to. Together.