Natural Disasters

Good Message For the Kids: Teach Girls to Survive Zits, Teach Boys to Survive Frostbite

by Jamie Frevele | 3:59 pm, June 10th, 2012

So, we’re not going to get too outraged over this because it’s ridiculous. But let this be a guide to what not to buy the grade-schooler in your life. Ryan North at What Are the Haps came across these books in a bookstore — in the year 2012 — and provided a list of the chapters contained within both the “Girls Only” edition as well as the “Boys Only” one. If you’re thinking that both books provide children of both genders useful survival skills in the face of actual emergencies … you are about half correct. Unless you consider “becoming rich” an emergency. (Spoiler: “How to Survive Becoming Rich” is in the girls’ book. Good to know the author has faith that girls can become rich, but only in a way that causes them severe psychological problems.)

Indeed, both books — Girls Only: How to Survive Anything and Boys Only: How to Survive Anything, both by Martin Oliver — are in print right now and probably floating around the kids’ section of your local bookstore. They are also both available online. Now that you know they are out there, here is a survival tip from my own little heart: do not buy these books. True, they are marketed as “comedy and humor” books, meaning they are tongue-in-cheek and not meant to be taken totally seriously, but let’s take a look at the chapter list compiled by North. Gentlemen first:

How to Survive a Shark Attack
How to Survive in a Forest
How to Survive Frostbite
How to Survive a Plane Crash
How to Survive in the Desert
How to Survive a Polar Bear Attack
How to Survive a Flash Flood
How to Survive a Broken Leg
How to Survive an Earthquake
How to Survive a Forest Fire
How to Survive in a Whiteout
How to Survive a Zombie Invasion
How to Survive a Snakebite
How to Survive if Your Parachute Fails
How to Survive a Croc Attack
How to Survive a Lightning Strike
How to Survive a T-Rex
How to Survive Whitewater Rapids
How to Survive a Sinking Ship
How to Survive a Vampire Attack
How to Survive an Avalanche
How to Survive a Tornado
How to Survive Quicksand
How to Survive a Fall
How to Survive a Swarm of Bees
How to Survive in Space

And the ladies, with commentary in italics by North’s friend Jackie (who opened the book so we didn’t have to):

How to survive a BFF Fight
How to Survive Soccer Tryouts
How to Survive a Breakout
How to Show You’re Sorry
(and chapter 3 is where we no longer care about “survival”)
How to Have the Best Sleepover Ever
How to Take the Perfect School Photo
How to Survive Brothers
Scary Survival Dos and Don’ts
(“don’t throw things or yell at your ghost. it may react badly.”)
How to Handle Becoming Rich
How to Keep Stuff Secret
How to Survive Tests
How to Survive Shyness
How to Handle Sudden Stardom
More Stardom Survival Tips
How to Survive a Camping Trip
(“fresh air is excellent for the skin”)
How to Survive a Fashion Disaster
How to Teach Your Cat to Sit
(are you #$&^%*@ kidding me?)
How to Turn a No Into a Yes
Top Tips for Speechmaking
How to Survive Embarrassment
How to Be a Mind Reader
How to Survive a Crush
Seaside Survival
(don’t wear heels. tie your hair back. sunglasses add glamour.)
How to Soothe Sunburn
How to Pick Perfect Sunglasses
Surviving a Zombie Attack
How to Spot a Frenemy
Brilliant Boredom Busters
How to Survive Truth or Dare
How to Beat Bullies
How to be an Amazing Babysitter

So, yeah. I’m glad that Oliver realized that in the event of a zombie apocalypse, both male and female humans would be affected, and the girlfolk would probably like some information in case she’s asked to leave her mirror and journal behind while the undead start breaking into her home. (Keeping a journal, ladies, by the way, is a great way to relieve stress. Gentlemen, journals are for ladies, so you should punch the ground instead. Not cement or wood, though, unless you also read the chapter on how to survive broken bones in your fists.)

Again, these were being presented as satire, humor books. For children. Because if there’s anything a fifth-grader can read the best, it’s irony. And true, there are some things in the girls’ book that are not all about vanity and tell girls that their lives can include sports, leadership, and confidence.

But the boys’ books is about dinosaurs, vampires, sharks, adventures! If Oliver was going to write a Bear Grylls book for the boys, he should have written a Felicity Aston book for the girls! Not a Bethenny Frankel book, which would have been totally cool if the boys’ book was a James Franco book!

So, if Frankel and Franco can go ahead and write a satirical social survival books for kids, that would be pretty amazing, and I would buy it. For myself, an adult.

The problem with these books is this: we didn’t have to call them “Boys Only” and “Girls Only.” Because both boys and girls can use survival skills, both in the wild (fictional and non-fictional) and the real world, on both large and small scales. Boys also get pimples, find themselves in awkward social situations, and even babysit. And someday, in this crazy little world, boys and girls, men and women, of all races and creeds, will finally figure out how to get a cat to sit.

(What Are the Haps via tipster Katy — thanks, Katy!)

Kath

As was mentioned on the Facebook page for this story, Scholastic have issued a half-hearted apology and, AFAIK, they won’t have any more printings.
Mark Brown

To be fair, surviving a breakout is important.

Do you stay behind and hope for good behaviour at your next parole hearing, or take your chances with your fellow soon-to-be-ex-prisoners? You also need to spot the sudden betrayal coming to avoid being turned into the decoy. Be a player, not a pawn.

Oh. Not that kind of breakout. Never mind.
http://www.facebook.com/ReferenceSystemK Walter Bishop

Information is and we all cope and, in the end, maybe the cat will sit.
Juanita W. Profit

yeah. I’m glad that Oliver realized that in the event of a zombie apocalypse, http://GooleByGetJob2012.notlong.com
http://www.wordflow.webs.com/ Invisible_Jester89

Ugh. Why didn’t they mix these together into one book? Or better yet, just put the same chapters in both books?
http://profiles.google.com/gnomer.denois Jill Oliver

I find the best way to get the cat to sit is by trying to get it to move.
Anonymous

I love the comments on their “apology.” The one comments section on the internet that I don’t feel tens times worse for having read.
Nick Gaston

The latter is what P.T. Barnum would’ve done…you know, the American way!

(Personally, I’d have at least slipped one astoundingly adventerous article in between some of the really “girly” ones. (“How to fix a makeup disaster! How to survive like-liking someone in your class! How to bypass the Permissive Action Link and inertial fusing failsafes in a B-61 mod 10 tactical nuclear weapon! How to survive a prom dress fitting!”)
http://twitter.com/DrBezhay Meagan Begay

I think the ‘how to survive a sinking ship’ topic should be in both books, only in different context. But I guess the author knows that THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS SURVIVING A SINKING SHIP. ESPECIALLY your OTP.
http://www.facebook.com/people/Matthew-Palmer/100000744467456 Matthew Palmer

At least they didn’t have ‘how to turn a no into a yes’ in the boys book…
http://www.youtube.com/cherubicwindigo Laura

My Uncle has Burmese cats who are super smart and can do all sorts of tricks, including sitting (they understand the command in Spanish too). It’s not natural! But it’s totally adorable.
http://twitter.com/JRPaduch John Paduch

…wow. o.O

I don’t care if it was tongue-in-cheek, that shit is straight-up tacky and /facepalm.
Anonymous

Lol at ‘Surviving a Zombie Attack’ as the one incongruous entry in the girls’ book. ‘Brains make your hair shiny, and splattered across your shirt, will look great with your favorite pair of pumps!’
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1208921 Nikki Lincoln

Come on – we all know wide spread disasters like Earthquakes and Tornadoes don’t affect girls…..
So ridiculous.
http://www.facebook.com/Gorillazfan Emily Hill

Oh my god why do these things exist to tell you the truth I never really had zits in my teen years so the break out would not have helped
Anonymous

Darn. I’ll have to try to get myself a copy of the boys only one. x)
Anonymous

I like them. The boys only one seems interesting. I think kids would enjoy these. Most boys don’t want to read girly crap (nor do I). Separation is a good thing. People are too sensitive.
http://pulse.yahoo.com/_OD35QQZNBPZJXWTCBY7N4EE7VY Sarah

Please enjoy eating your own foot.
http://pulse.yahoo.com/_R7GVNIKWG3S2UTHEQOMSZXT4M4 Anna B

Those comments made me feel a lot better.

I don’t understand why Scholastic had to make the contents different, anyway. They could’ve just stopped with having different covers if they really wanted to “cater to boys and girls” (but I bet even that would’ve made me want to pull my hair out), but did they have to have different stuff inside? Seriously, why not just merge them, and possibly get rid of the asinine ones, like the cat thing.
http://pulse.yahoo.com/_R7GVNIKWG3S2UTHEQOMSZXT4M4 Anna B

On the up side, it was a troll that made Harry, Hermione, and Ron the best of friends.
http://pulse.yahoo.com/_R7GVNIKWG3S2UTHEQOMSZXT4M4 Anna B

Ah, but would they know what to do in a zombie attack?
http://twitter.com/TheWhaler Meg

the girl stuff might actually come in handy haha
http://pulse.yahoo.com/_HMXVDJOPQQC7D7HRBEZ6LRDIEM Vicky

I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
Anonymous

They really ought to take it a step further and make it “How to transform your cat into a lethal assassin of the unholy dead.” Cats might also enjoy being shark hunters, and these activities are less demeaning to cats than “sitting.” That’s the sort of thinking that gets you a military cat uprising, and we don’t have a chapter on how to survive that either!
Anonymous

i taught my cat to sit up and beg for treats! if only she could master the toilet, or clean her litter box…
Anonymous

my roomate’s mom got paid $ 14828 past week. she is making an incom e on the internet and bought a $481700 house. All she did was get fortunate and put into use the guide exposed on this web site

⇛⇛⇛⇛► (Click At My Name For Link)
Megan Sandwood

you are about half correct. Unless you consider “becoming rich” an
emergency. (Spoiler: “How to Survive Becoming Rich” is in the girls’
book. Good to know the author has faith that girls can become rich, but
only in a way that causes them severe psychological problems.)

http://www.rhinoplastynet.com/
http://DeadAmericanDream.blogspot.com AngryBroomstick

and I love when people try to tell bloggers that they are being too “sensitive” when bloggers bring up sexism on a website that’s clearly for WOMEN, where sexism is still a big issue in the geekdom.
Anonymous

I dunno, I think boys could benefit greatly from some the contents in the girly book (boys get zits and have crushes, too, after all.) Why not merge both books, write it all in gender-neutral language, and market the result to all kids?
VFSBEXSERY HTMLQDKMHQOG

They are also both available online. Now that you know they are out there, here is a survival tip from my own little heart: do not buy these books.

http://www.couponover.com/coupon/autopartswarehouse.com
http://twitter.com/panda_scott Amy Scott

I like the boys option for self expression, just not a journal. Check. =P
http://www.facebook.com/people/Jonathan-Schultz/100001957532060 Jonathan Schultz

Because guys don’t need to know that…
If you know what I mean… >_>
Ray Hakubi

Because that would defeat the purpose of writing a pair of ironic books about gender stereotyping. I blame the publisher more than the author here though. It’s their job to stop things this provocative getting onto the shelves.
Ray Hakubi

So make a masculinist blog. Honestly, guys and female masculinists complain about feminists speaking out all the time, but do they ever do anything about it?

>> Also, I totally just made up that word. Masculinist.
Anonymous

I doubt there was much “purpose” involved in this. Face it, Ray, sometimes people are just stupid.
http://www.wordflow.webs.com/ Invisible_Jester89

No see, my problem (and this site’s problem apparently) is that the girl version is stereotypically girly, and the boy version is stereotypically boyish. It’s not a very good survival guide if you’re promoting different things for each group. I get the point, really. It’s just that I don’t understand why the girls get a survival guide for embarrassment while the guys get a guide for surviving actual disasters.